Tag: disability

Monday’s activities

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s activities

I stupidly left the med alarm at like 6 am which scared the shit out of me so bad that I didn’t even take my BP pill. I just shut it off and then went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I slept through the night, for the most part. I wasn’t in pain, least not in my ankle or foot. My back was bothering me though because it had snowed this morning. My alarm went off around 0920. For the first time, the Bixby news thing worked. It gave me the news which was all about Cheeto’s dealings. UGH, not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. I’ll be turning that feature off. I dreaded getting out of bed. I wanted to make breakfast though, so I needed to. I know I could get something at Starbucks when I left later, but I wanted to use up the bacon I opened the other day before it went bad. I originally wanted to wash and change my bedding but that wasn’t happening with my back being sore. I thought about using the tennis ball to massage it out but never did. I figure I would take off the blankets and wash them when I came home. I’ll change the sheets tomorrow.

I made my breakfast and there was time to catch the bus for espresso so I went upstairs to get dressed. My mother called as I was changing wanting me to look up some vinyl siding guys as one of the panels blew off in the storm. I told her I would do it when I came home as my sister still had my laptop. I just used my phone to write up yesterday’s blog. I had a slight headache so took some Exedrin and ibuprofen. Then caught the bus and went to Starbucks.

I got my espresso and pulled out my notebooks. I should have just took out my journal as I was too cloudy to write a story or continue writing with what I had written so far. The sun poked out finally. I guess it wasn’t going to snow anymore. The snow from this morning was already gone but it was still cloudy when I left the house. I thought there was going to be a storm tonight but they have moved it to Wednesday night into Thursday afternoon/evening. We are supposed to get 8 inches. Lovely. I played with my phone and wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for therapy.

I talked with my therapist about this weekend. He played with his nails. I was kind of hyper when I first started talking then slowly lost steam. The brain fog had returned. The last few minutes I was telling him how today was the anniversary of the first time I attempted suicide. Twenty-seven years ago today my father called me a liar and I snapped. I couldn’t take the fights anymore between my parents and the name calling and everything else, really. I would find out just how bad my father would be the following night. I still remember like it was yesterday. My father fell from the pedestal I had him on and he never reclaimed it. Also weird to realize that I have been trying to end my life for 27 years yet I am still here. As suicidal as I have been, I haven’t really attempted to go through with my thoughts in years. So long, I don’t even remember the last time I did attempt.

I told my therapist that I was going to end it if my doctors didn’t do something for my pain. He said that I was angry. Yeah, I have anger toward idiots in the medical profession who want to help people but don’t do a damn thing to actually help. Like why spend thousands of dollars for med school if you don’t care? I don’t get it.

My new favorite country artist Cam posted on either twitter or Instagram about her first number 1 called burning house. I bought it today. I would have bought the album but I’m kind of short on funds. It’s a cool song. Her latest hit, Diane, is my favorite. Just watching the video I fell in love with her. Sadly, she is too young for me and married. But I can admire her from a distance. She is very pretty with her curly blonde hair. I’m starting to think I have a thing for blondes and red heads as most of the women I like have those kinds of hair. I’ll find my love one day, maybe.

exhausting Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausting Friday

I slept about 8 hours, though I woke up around 0430. I wasn’t happy. It has been more than 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds and I was starting to feel weird. I also had to pee like a racehorse. I quickly took my pain meds then rushed to the bathroom. When I came back to my room, my ankle was hurting. I stayed up for a couple hours before going back to sleep. I was hungry but I figure I would eat when I woke up next.

My mother was yelling on the phone when I woke up around 0940. I had no idea what she was talking about. I went to the bathroom and overheard her conversation. She was talking pleasantly to someone so she must have hung up on the person she was yelling at. I can only guess it was her sister. I checked the time when I came back to my room. I just missed the 945 bus so had to wait an hour for the next one. I needed to go to town for my prescriptions as well as to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I wanted to listen to the ball game as well.

I got dressed around 1030 and my mother wanted me to check on my niece as my brother in law was home sick. She had just got up and was okay. I left for the bus stop. It was sunny out but cold. I had a window before it started raining and I hoped to beat it. I ordered my Starbucks drink with the mobile app as I had a free reward. I got a snickers latte. I had it iced. I had to go through each thing to customize the drink. I then saved it to my favorites so I could order it next time I had a reward. By the time I was finished and put the order through, I was close to the Square. I had some pain in my ankle but it was bearable.

I had to sit at one of the bar seats when I got to Starbucks as the table seats were all taken. This kind of puts pressure on my ankle so I just wrote in my journal for a bit before leaving. I didn’t want to aggravate my ankle and cause a flare. I left for town and knew I would miss the first inning of the ball game. There was no way I would be home by 1.

The trains were on time and I got to my doc’s office for my prescriptions. Neither secretary was seeing anyone so the one I was talking to didn’t do anything as the other had already went to get my envelope. I told her she wasn’t fast enough. They laughed. It had started drizzling when I left despite it still being blue skies. That changed by the time I got back to the Square. It was getting really cloudy. I timed it right so I didn’t have to wait long for the bus. I went to Walgreens and there was a wait. The regular girl wasn’t at the register. I stood waiting for like 20 minutes, all the while my ankle talking to me. I paid for my scripts and then went home. It started to rain by the time I got to my street. Great. I had to get my mother’s stuff out of the basement freezer and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

I got a bag to put the stuff in and then went to the basement. The freezer wasn’t making any noises and some items were not frozen. I thought this was odd. I got the stuff with enough that I could carry and then told my brother in law. He thought someone must not have shut the door tightly last time they opened it. I wasn’t convinced. I put the stuff I brought upstairs away and then rested for a few. I then went back downstairs to make sure I got everything and grabbed a few more things. I then went back to my brother in law and told him something is not right. He said the breaker might have been tripped and it was. He said he had the flu and I stayed clear of him. I don’t want to get sick. I went back upstairs with what I grabbed and then went up to my room. I was hungry but didn’t know what to have. I listened to the game for a bit. They scored three runs in the bottom of the 4th inning. I knew they would win so I went back downstairs to make something to eat. I was getting exhausted going up and down stairs. My legs felt like jelly. I made some sausages that had thawed out. I asked my mother how to make them as I never made them before. She told me to split them and then put them in the oven. I did. After 20 minutes, they looked like pancakes, they had flatten out. When I told my mother this, she laughed at me. UGH. I told her that was my lunch and dinner as I didn’t eat and then she said what am I on a diet? I said if I was I wouldn’t starve myself! Fucking ignorant bitch. She really pissed me off.

It’s really cold in my room. I don’t know if my mother touched the heat again. Going to be cold until Tues or Wed when the temps will be in the 50s. Crazy weather. Supposed to have periods of rain though. Just hope my spine doesn’t act up. I hate it when it aches. I can’t wait to see my therapist on Monday. We have a lot to talk about. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. I also see my psychiatrist Wed. I will need a refill on one of my psych meds then. I think now, I have all my psych meds on the same refill schedule. Only took me 4 months to get them together. I hope I don’t wake up before 6 am tomorrow. I hate waking up that early and then getting sleepy a few hours later. Then I feel like shit the rest of the day. Doesn’t matter what time I go to bed. Sucks! I know it wouldn’t happen if I was on a longer acting pain med. I think my sleep would be better as I wouldn’t wake up in pain.

shaky arms are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Shaky arms are back

Appliances that I ordered for my mother came this morning. I didn’t get much sleep. The delivery guys were fast and installed the washer. Thankfully there were no problems, other than the washer need “high efficiency” detergent. I just told my mother to use less detergent. I don’t know why she would use more than a quarter of a cup anyways as the damn thing is so sudsy. She wanted another washer but they didn’t have one that were the size or price range she wanted. She said she would use less. I told her after 10-20 loads, she could just use white vinegar to prevent mold and mildew. She agreed.

I made a sandwich and then went up to my room. I had made coffee but it didn’t help my poor sleep. I took a nap for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling weird. I used the bathroom before my bladder burst. Came back upstairs and then my arms felt like spaghetti. Not what I wanted to feel. It was side effects to the Invega. I quickly took an Ativan before they became worse. I don’t get this way often like I did when I was on the abilify. I hate this feeling. It is the worse.

I called my mother and told her to hold dinner for me. I would be sleeping for a few hours as I didn’t feel good. She didn’t ask what was wrong, thank god. I am feeling restless so I don’t know if I will be able to get back to sleep. I got to wait for the Ativan to kick in. My ankle pain is rearing its ugly head. I just feel like giving up. Last night I was swimming in despair. I wrote some stuff in my journal and then vented to a friend via email. I don’t remember what I wrote. She wrote back in the morning with the words in all caps “Don’t kill yourself”, so I must have written something to that effect. I have been feeling a little suicidal at night. I think it is this time of year. Being in severe pain doesn’t help. I put on an ace bandage thingy and slept with it. For the first time in a month or so, I was able to stand without too much pain so it obviously helped.

Now my ankle/foot feels like it is made of strings. Fuck! I hate this type of side effect the most but it is the least concerning. It doesn’t happen often, so I am grateful for that. I just emailed my psych about this to keep her in the loop.

I closed my window because it was bloody cold in my room when I woke up. Holy crap! It wasn’t snowing or raining yet. That wouldn’t start until the afternoon. When I checked the mail, there were flurries. They didn’t appear to be sticking. My mother had turned down the heat because of yesterday’s high temps. I turned it up as it was cold in the house. I must have been cold during the night because my comforter was on me. It’s still chilly in my room but it’s bearable. I like the cold anyways. My ankle and foot, however, doesn’t. They are warm under the blankets right now. I have made sure to keep them warm. Last thing I need is that icy coldness that CRPS brings. Takes forever to warm up and then when it does, it burns.

I have to go out tomorrow to get my prescriptions at my PCP’s office. I don’t get paid till Monday so I won’t be able to get them until then. I just calculated all the meds I need to get next week and it’s going to be roughly $60. I was hoping to fix my laptop this month but I don’t think I can afford it. I’m still waiting to see what my premium is for my medical insurance. I haven’t received the letter yet, which is odd because I usually get it the beginning of the month. I somehow messed up my finances as I don’t have that much money left over after all my bills are paid. I think I might have to shrink my grocery bill somehow. I wanted to make a chili cornbread casserole. The ingredients are not too expensive, except for the beef. I will have to go to the butcher shop. I like their meat better than the grocery store. You can definitely taste the difference. I might buy a 3 lb bag of beef. Then I can make my dirty gravy. My mother is not a chili fan so I will most likely eat this thing, if my brother in law doesn’t have some. My sister might as she likes hot stuff.

Ativan is kicking in so I am going to rest now. The spaghetti feeling is fading. I am glad.

warm day in February

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Warm day in February

A very unusual day today as temps reached 70 degrees. I don’t ever remember the temps being that high this time of year for Boston. Despite the nice weather, my pain didn’t decrease. Standing was difficult all day and the bones in my ankle joint hurt really bad. I woke up in pain and just stayed in bed though my phone kept on ringing after 10 am. I was getting annoyed. My mother wanted me to turn down the heat and I said yeah, if I went downstairs, which wasn’t happening soon. She came home a little while later with my loud mouth cousin in tow. Fuck. I was hungry so I went downstairs as I had to use the bathroom. As I was making something, my cousin said I was always eating. Fuck, really? It was noon time so excuse me for wanting some food. Just because he doesn’t eat, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. It made me so mad. I had to suffer with him and my mother call me she/her and my birth name. I kept my mouth shut because he is a judgmental fuck and doesn’t like anything to do with LGBT. I just ate and wanted to make coffee but couldn’t stand being around him. I went back to my room and of course he had something to say to that, too. I waited for him to leave before going back down to make coffee. I made it a little strong but it was good.

I read Harry Potter for most of the day. The pain in my ankle did not drown out at all. I took some ibuprofen as it was bone pain and I just ate so I could take the max dose. When I was done with reading an hour or two later, I was still in the same level of pain. I was tempted to call my PCP as the pain is getting worse than my “normal” pain. I haven’t done anything that I recall. Only thing that stopped me was that I knew he wouldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t like he was going to change my meds or anything. I am so tired of living with this pain and just going on this existence. Like what the fuck is the point?

I’m going back to the Wizard World. I really want to finish this book this week.