Tag: drinking

Mixed Drinks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Mixed Drinks

As I was writing my last blog, a blogger friend that I have known for the past three years was having a hard time and I think she cut. I tried reaching out to her but got no response. I have been thinking about drinking all night. If I didn’t have to get up early tomorrow, I might seriously be considering it right now. I just feel so bad. I know what it’s like to have intense emotions you can’t control. Or to be in so much pain you want to cut to release it. It has been many years since I last cut, but sometimes I still get the urge. It’s just like drinking, just a different drug.

Thing that bothers me is that not only did my friend not reach out, I also gave her my number during our last Facebook message. Told her she could call anytime. I tried messaging her but I think she either blocked me or deactivated her FB account. I feel like I lost a friend to mental illness and there is nothing that I can do about it. It is not a good feeling to sit with.

I am not usually a drinker. I will drink occasionally. Tonight I had some wine after dinner. Not much, just a few sips to taste the new wine that my brother in law’s nephew brought over. It was good wine. But it turned on the drinker in me. I usually binge drink, especially when I am feel low. I usually resist the urge but tonight the urge is strong, even though I am still feeling full from all the good food that I ate tonight. I think if I drink, I might puke and I don’t want to be doing that. I already have been sneezing my head off for whatever reason. With every sneeze, my right side seizes with pain. I think I might have a hernia. Whatever the pain was, it seems to have abated for now.

I need to get some sleep but both my whiskey and gin bottles are staring at me. If I have the gin, I know it will burn going down. The whiskey has honey in it so that scares me because I can drink more than I should with no problem as it’s sweet. It’s not harsh like whiskey usually is. That is why I have just a quarter of a bottle left. It’d be no problem finishing it off. I won’t mix the gin with the whiskey, that is just gross. I am not sure even how it would taste. But I need to stay sober at least till tomorrow night. Then all bets are off.

Random 747

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally got a hold of my psychiatrist via email. She wants to meet at the same time I am to meet with the new ankle doc. Great. Doesn’t look like I will be seeing her this month. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. I don’t have that many to fill this month because I spent all last month filling them up and then some. I am hoping to afford everything and still be able to pay my bills.

Ankle and foot are really hurting today. I thought I would have a day of not having anything to do with him but my sister wanted me to bring him something as she was unable to. So now I am hurting. Friday I have to watch my niece. Which involves me picking her up from school. That should be fun. But I am not going out at all tomorrow so I am hoping I can sleep all day. It would have been good to see the ankle doc tomorrow but the damn idiot had an emergency so had to reschedule. I am not happy about this. I had psyched myself up for the appointment and now I have to wait another two weeks. What a let down.

My game came back online finally. It was having problems loading so I couldn’t play for almost a day. But I kept myself occupied with other things, mostly crappy writing. I haven’t written in my journal in a long time. It has been at least a week since I last wrote. I should update to the current events but I really don’t want to. It’s like it is fine when I am bored but if I am not bored, I just don’t do it.

I drank again today. I am glad I did because I was able to nap. My therapist was flipping out and wanted me to tell my “prescribers” that I am drinking. Um, that is a no. I am not telling anyone that I am drinking and I am not going to tell her anymore that I am doing so. What is the point if she is always going to harp at me. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. The only person I am hurting is myself. I am not a driver anymore so it’s not like I am drinking and driving. I just have a few shots of gin and I am good for the day. Nothing wrong with that. People drink all the time. And I am a limited drinker. When I get tired of drinking, I will stop, on my own, without any intervention. I have been doing this for years.

Why am I drinking? Because I can’t stand my father. It is how I cope with him. It always has been this way since I was a teenager. He would supply the alcohol and I would get buzzed. And that is all I do. I drink to get a little bit buzzed and then I relax a bit. I don’t drink to get drunk, unless I have a really bad day or I am hurting really bad. And besides, alcohol has been the only “drug” that I have not tried for my ankle pain. The alcohol makes me forget about the pain for a little while.

Cocktails

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

Cocktails

Lately I have started drinking again. Nothing major, just a shot of gin here and there, but the last few nights I have been wanting more than that. I actually have been craving the alcohol. I have been a binge drinker in the past so I am trying to stop it but I don’t think I can. And with the amount of pain meds I take, drinking that hard would be a disaster.

I have had a hell of a day. I really need to shower because not only did I crap myself, I also leaked. Fun. I swear next week I am getting the damn diapers so I don’t have to worry about soiling my underwear anymore. Oh and the weather decided to be back up to almost 80 and be muggy. I thought we were done with this shit. So I guess it was good I didn’t shower this morning like I wanted to because I would have to shower again tonight. I am waiting for my pain meds to kick in so I can stand long enough to do this task.

I had to deal with my father today, which is mostly the reason I drink. He just brings out the best of me because I have no other outlet. Today I spent all morning and most of the afternoon waiting for the stupid visiting nurse to deal with him. The nurse on Sunday got all his fucking meds wrong. What a fucking airhead. And today’s nurse had to look at all the bottles because I could be lying. No, I know what my father is taking, thank you very much. I go to each and every one of his medical appointments. I am his “secretary” when it comes to his medical stuff. Thing is, I am supposed to schedule his PCP appointment some how in the next two weeks and to fill him in on what has been going on. Yea, like I don’t have my own medical drama going on. Because I forgot and my app remembered, I didn’t take my blood pressure meds this morning. I didn’t think I was going to be all fucking day with this man and his stories. I spent the better part of my life with him and now as an adult, I realize I don’t have to have him in my life, but yet he is still there. Why I don’t know. Guilt is one reason. Responsibility is the other. And being the oldest, it falls on my shoulders. Today I was tested and tried. And that gin that I have been staring at since I got home is calling my name.

So I called my therapist and told her the pickle I am in. She flipped out on me. She didn’t like the thoughts of my pain meds being mixed with alcohol of any kind. I got reprimanded. Hell, I even got the don’t take any of my pain meds lecture. That is when I zoned out on her. I need my pain meds if I am to survive in this world. And when my ankle was telling me to fuck off today, I had to take something for it. Now it is a little bit more happy so I can possibly take a shower today and get out of the stinking clothes that I am in. My father made peppers and eggs and the smell got into my clothes. It is making my stomach do flip flops, which it has been doing all day because I got a migraine. I should have known today was going to be a bad day when I started gagging when I was at the bus stop this morning. And the coffee didn’t help me much. It helped with the headache and drowsiness, but did little to calm my stomach.

I am sure that gin is not going to help my stomach either. I hope tonight I can keep my word to my therapist that I won’t have a sip. But it does help me sleep good so I am weighing things in. Beside yell at me, there is nothing more she can do. I don’t know why my father aggravates me so much. Even at his medical appointment, he had to go on and on about his work history. The doctor, who is a really nice guy, was obliging to his stories that I have heard only a million times.

Now my mother is making broccoli rabi. I cannot stand the smell or taste of this damn vegetable. Maybe I will have just one sip of gin to calm the damn nerves…

feeling like crap

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like crap

Again I woke up at 0430 in the morning in pain. This is stressing me out big time because it’s disturbing my sleep. I haven’t done much all day except try and sleep and keep of my ankle. My father wants me to visit him in the hospital but I am too wiped out. There is no way I can go. I already canceled my pdoc appointment today because I am just wiped out physically. I am really tired. But I am eating which is good. I haven’t really eaten much the last two days. Mostly from worry, mostly because I didn’t have time to eat. Or I just didn’t know what I wanted to eat. Last night I made Elio’s pizza. I won’t be having that again any time soon. The only good thing about it was the crust. I felt like I was eating ketchup with something that is supposed to be cheese on a crust. Maybe I cooked it too long and that was why it didn’t taste good. I don’t know. But I am back on track today.

Did I mention how tired I am today? I slept for most of the day and would still be sleeping if people didn’t keep calling me. My aunt called but I have no idea why as I accidently erased the voicemails she left me. I don’t know how the hell that happened. I never delete a message without hearing it first.

Last night I was feeling poorly. I feel it is my fault my father is sick. If I had got his medication right, he wouldn’t be sick. Least that is my rationale. So I had a few shots of gin last night with my medication. I took my pain meds and Ativan and then a couple shots of gin. Then I thought about it some more and decided two wasn’t enough, so I had four. That knocked me on my ass so I finally fell asleep before 11pm. I just didn’t care last night. I feel really guilty. I know realistically, there was probably nothing that I could have done. He could have had the ulcer anyways, but I just feel bad because if I just kept on top of his meds, this could have been avoided. The doc said that it was a big ulcer so I don’t think I am fully to blame for it. Something that big takes time to form, longer than the missed meds.

I learned a few things about this experience. I don’t ever want to under go an endoscopic procedure. It just takes a lot out of you and the thought of a tube going down the throat doesn’t make me want it more. I am going to get a health care proxy, though I don’t know who that will be.

I still feel like drinking gin. Despite waking up early, I slept pretty well last night. I am not advocating for drinking before med especially when you take psych meds but drinking is how I deal with my father. Always have been. He just annoys me enough to just want to drink. And the only time I do drink is when I get into scuffles with my father. It doesn’t have to be gin. I could drink any alcohol beverage, but gin is all I have right now. I ran out of my whiskey.

I just had a foggy notion of emailing my pdoc and telling her I am drinking gin more. But I stopped myself from doing it. I was talking with a blogger friend that is in crisis. She really needed someone to talk to and I don’t know how the gin came up. But she knew that I was dealing with my father if I was drinking gin. Funny how people know me so well. Yet my therapist of almost 14 years can’t figure me out for shit. Maybe she is going through some difficulty in her life and it is affecting her work with me. She seems more distant on the phone lately.

Think I am going to drink some more gin and then pass out. Hopefully, I will feel better in the morning.