Tag: lack of sleep

Saturday Blog 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20

Last night I was refreshing the Twitter suggestions to follow when I came across a former therapist. I haven’t seen or heard from him in over ten to fifteen years. I didn’t think he would follow me back but he did. I always liked him, but he was kind of not all there when it came to suicide talk. Which is why I had to “fire” him. I then starting thinking about whether or not I wrote about him in my book, Midnight Demon. I started thumbing through my book and I couldn’t believe how short the chapters were. I know it’s a short book (just a little over 150 pages) but I have no recollection of where he would be written. So if he gets my book and reads about himself, oh well. I gave him a paper that I wrote and he retweeted it. Other than that, we haven’t had any other contact.

It’s really humid in the house today and it is making me grumpy. I hate humidity more than I hate the heat. It’s cool in my room because the fan has been on for the past week. I also keep the door to my room closed. Only time I keep it open is when I am not in my room.

I really have not been having a good day. I woke up around 0630 after falling to sleep around 0230. I stayed up till around 0800 and then some band woke me up. I have no idea where the hell they were playing but they were really loud. I needed coffee so I made a cup. I still feel like a migraine is coming on because I cannot tolerate sound. I think I will wait until the headache comes before I start medicated. It could just be because I have little sleep that I am more irritated than not. I hate being so sleep deprived. My mother thinks they were playing on the street behind us. I hope this isn’t a weekly thing. It will drive me crazy. The music wasn’t bad but the songs all sounded the same, unless they were playing the same song over and over. I have no idea. Because the amps were so loud, you could barely make out what they were trying to sing. They stopped about an hour ago so I can go back to sleep after I do my writing.

I didn’t get too many likes for my short story. I did get a lot of views on it though. I guess it’s either one or the other. Like the other night, my stats soared really high. I had 201 views in one day. That almost never happens. The most I have been getting is around 50. I do know that it was a person in the US. And they kept on coming back to my home page. It was really good to see my numbers go up. I passed 41,000 views. That means that 41,000 people have read my blog. I feel so lucky that people read my blog and can get something out of it. But most of all, they come back to read my future posts.

Last night I got really pissed while poker. I had a pair of queens and the damn game was acting up. It went to the bottom of the screen to play some stupid ad and I lost the hand! I was so pissed. Now I am weary of playing. I tried a new game today, Household. It seems very similar to Pioneer Trail, the game that closed last month. I had to try another game because I am very bored and reading only gets you so far. I really like reading but I can’t do it for long stretches of time. I just lose interest and get impatient. Last night I read two chapters of “the Idiot” and the second chapter was a challenge. I am thinking of reading “Lethal Code” but it might activate my delusional self and I really don’t want to be delusional again. I have a tendency to believe what I read is true and seeing as the cyber wars are reportedly true, it might just get my imagination running. I still have to write a review for the “Graveyard Book”. I really want to write one for this book but every time I think of something, my mind blanks when I open a new document. I might have to handwrite it and then type it up. I have it in my mind what I want to write. It’s just getting started that is the problem. Once I start, things usually go smoothly.

Cranky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Cranky day

I didn’t sleep last night, not well anyways. I went to bed around 0100 and then woke up around 0400, went back to sleep, and then woke up when my alarm went off at 0630. I had to be up early for the grocery delivery. Luckily, my time was the first so I quickly put everything away, had some breakfast, and then went back to sleep for a few hours. I wish it was restful sleep but it wasn’t. I woke up more tired than awake. I hate losing sleep. It is the most frustrating thing in the world when you can’t sleep. Then I had therapy. I am glad I don’t have a gun because I probably would have used it on myself today. I just did not want to hear her talk and talk and talk. I brought up the blog and she wanted me to read it to her. That wasn’t happening. I was not in the mood to read. Then she said that seeing my psychiatrist should be a goal I should look forward to. She has lost her mind. Why the hell would seeing my psychiatrist be a goal?? It doesn’t make any sense and I was too tired to argue with her so let it go.

We also talked about my incontinence. It really made me want to die last night. And then today, I peed myself again. I am not liking my bladder these days. Monday I am supposed to meet with a friend and go to a museum. I will be wearing diapers because I really don’t want to be wet while walking around a museum. At 39, I am wearing diapers. Just shoot me now.

I went to see my father, who called twice during therapy. I didn’t answer because my therapist is more important than he is. He can wait. So after therapy, I go to his house. He isn’t fucking there. I call the house and no answer. I am bullshit. I really didn’t want to go to his house in the state that I am in anyways and he isn’t there? WTF!! So I leave. I go to a donut place and get some donuts while waiting for the bus that never came so I decide to take the train home. Wouldn’t you know, I get to my stop and my father calls wondering where I am. UGH. I go to the other side of the tracks and go back to his house and fill his pill box. I then try and scramble out of there but he wants me to call his doctor’s office. For what, I have no fucking clue. He doesn’t know why. He can’t explain it. Just that he wants ME to call. So I call and the secretary tells me they will send the paperwork to his doctor. I tell my father that and he isn’t satisfied. I think he wanted me to go to his eye doctor’s office and find out what he needed. The hell to the no I was not doing that nor did I offer. I just wanted to be on the bus home so I could sleep.

Except I couldn’t sleep. I took my cousin out for dinner. I was craving roast beef and onion rings and didn’t want to eat by myself so took my cousin with me. Now I am home, in pajamas, writing this blog post. I was kind of short with my cousin, who likes to bust balls. I didn’t care. He kept asking if I had any “dishes”, meaning women. How the hell am I supposed to meet someone when I hardly leave the house. And the second place, I am NOT looking for a relationship. That was how it went the entire time we were out. I should have went by myself.

I have a week left to play my game. Then it ends. I am going to miss it. I keep playing just to pass time. I am not going to listen to the baseball game tonight. I am too tired. I am going to take my meds early and then call it a night. I am not going to play my game like I did last night. I just don’t have the energy. I just hope I sleep tonight till tomorrow morning and not until midnight. There will be hell to pay if I wake up around midnight.

sleep interrupted

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep interrupted

I went to bed early because I was tired. I took my meds like I normally do and fell asleep around 9ish. Then I woke up around midnight in pain. WTF. This is the third or fourth time in as many days that I have been waking up in pain. It’s all the same pain, in my left foot or leg or ankle, but mostly in my foot. It is driving me crazy.

I had woken up early this morning with leg pain. I tried my best to ignore it but it got the best of me so I took my pain meds. I went back to sleep.

Now it’s close to one in the morning and I am very tired but I am in a lot of pain. I didn’t do anything today to warrant this type of pain. Only thing I can think of is the weather change.

I wasn’t planning on writing a blog today but seeing as I am up, I thought I would. I have to vent because this is just ridiculous. I should still be sleeping. But because I am not, I am just so sick of it all. I just took some more pain meds to try and calm this pain down. I feel so out of sorts. I still have Pearl Jam’s new song in my head though everything seems to be quiet for the moment. I just want to sleep. What is so wrong with that??

I have been thinking of paging my pdoc the past few days. I see her Friday so I am hoping I can just wait it out. Later today, in the afternoon, I have to go with my father to the hospital to visit my aunt (his sister). She is having heart trouble. I haven’t seen my aunt since her birthday last November. I am not looking forward to seeing her as I hate going to the hospital. But my father wants to see her and he gets confused on how to get there so I have to take him.

question of interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Interest

I wondered today why I keep telling my therapist I am suicidal when I really want to kill myself. I know that she can stop me with a phone call for the white coats but it is more than that. Maybe I am afraid that if I am no longer suicidal to her, she will lose interest in me and find me a bore. I doubt this is true but I can’t help but feel this way. I also wonder why I am suicidal. I know I am depressed but you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I hate myself. I hate my life. But I mostly just hate myself because I am not who I am.

Then I think maybe I am just suicidal to keep my readers interested. I know that sounds silly. I am not an attention seeker. I really feel like killing myself at times but something always holds me back, from going through with my plan. Lately it has been trying to see if taking the different pills I am on in large doses will be effective in doing damage. I don’t know why I think these things. It just comes to me so automatic that I really have gotten out of touch with what I truly feel and can think about something other than killing myself. The coping strategies I know about I have not put into use, though distraction is my biggest coping skill I use. If I distract myself from killing myself, that is good. Usually music will do it or sometimes writing/journaling/blogging. I write my therapist letters about how I feel and send them to her. I don’t know if she reads them as I usually save them up and when a bunch accumulates, I then mail them. They can be the most depressing things she ever reads. But it helps distract from acting on killing myself. I feel that the interest I have in suicide is also a factor in why I want to kill myself.

Today my therapist and I were talking about lethality. I don’t think I am lethal in my suicidality where she thinks I am because it’s not like I am saying I am taking one aspirin and calling it an OD. I am saying I am thinking about taking the bottle. But then the feeling passes but the thoughts don’t. I don’t know if this is making sense. I have been up since 0600, with weird dreams a few hours before that waking me up every 90 mins, which is the standard dream cycle. I am waking up because the dreams are disturbing but I can’t recall them when I wake up. Even now I don’t remember what the dreams were about. I know one of them had me in my old house I grew up in. But that is all. Frustrating as hell because this has gone on the past three nights and I have been waking up early despite going to bed around midnight. It just sucks because being sleep deprived always gives me a migraine, like I have right now. I want to take a nap but I think that will just make my sleep even more disturbed. And the more my sleep is disturbed, the more suicidal and pain I get.