Tag: mental illness

Fricken cold today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders

Just came home from the freezing cold. I usually don’t wear gloves because I don’t like them but today I needed them. I carried a bottle of Powerade home from Walgreens and my hand almost got frostbite! We were supposed to get 39 degrees today but it’s only 27 and feels like 20. I am so damn cold right now. My father has his pills set for the week, though I think he skipped a day and is lying about it. Oh well. I don’t give a shit. It’s his life not mine.

Still feeling kind of delusional. I might have to take an extra trilafon today. I was wicked paranoid on the bus ride home for some reason. I tried to sleep but I was so fearful someone was going to kill me it was hard to relax. There was hardly anyone sitting near me so I don’t know why I felt like this. I take my regular dose of the pink pill tonight and tomorrow night so that should prevent this psychotic episode from getting worse, I hope. I don’t get like this often, but when I do, it’s holy hell.

I haven’t had lunch yet. What I really want, I don’t have. I can’t wait to order groceries and get my steaks. I haven’t had a steak in a long time. I haven’t decided if I am going to share with my mother or not. She doesn’t like steak and always complains about it. But then, I am not paying the top dollar kind of steak so what do you expect?? I really would love a filet mignon but I just can’t afford it. Maybe for my birthday, if I live that long. I really don’t want to make it to my next birthday. It’s too much of an effort living the way I am. I have no life outside of family. I rarely see friends or former coworkers. I really just don’t to “be” any more.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep. I would make pancakes but my mother is cleaning the spice rack and has all of them all over the place. I guess, I am going to have to wait. I will just take a nap and sleep off this morning.

I woke up early again but was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t have coffee today and it’s kind of late to have a cup now. I would have made it but after going back to sleep, it was time to take a shower and catch the bus. I just made it to the bus stop when the bus came, early. It must have been behind. Or I read the schedule wrong. Either way, I was happy that it came and I didn’t have to wait long in the cold.

I haven’t emailed or text my psych team letting them know that I am delusional. I just hope it passes on its own. There is not much they can do for me anyways. My therapist is still on vacation and my psychiatrist is still out of the office. I will just manage it the best I know how.

A quote

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I came across this passage on the last page of the book. I found it meaningful because I have spent night after night, day after day, thinking about ending my life. I have even thought about ending my life when I wasn’t so depressed and hopeless, but I never felt the urgency to end it when I wasn’t in horrendous emotional pain, or physical pain as it has been the last few years. I posted this, during a chat last night. I guess you can say that I interrupted the chat. It wasn’t my intention. I forgot the chat was taking place during that time. I tried to participate in the rest of the chat but as usual, I didn’t. Yet a few of us had a discussion on the side about how we let our providers know if we are suicidal or not. My experience with my PCP is not to let on that I am suicidal, unless he asks me directly. I cannot bullshit my way out of a paper bag so I will answer honestly when asked a question. Most times, I get the third degree about my suicidal tendencies and my narcotic medication. He wants to make sure I am “safe” with it. What he doesn’t know, even though I have told him a million times, is I am more afraid of the Tylenol content than I am of the narcotic content. But I still get the drill of asking if I am safe with the medication. I really want to say that I have other plans that are more lethal but I don’t for fear of getting tossed in the psych ER.

I am feeling like a caged rat these days. I haven’t been able to get my coffee/latte at Starbucks in weeks because of the severe snow we have been getting. I thought I would be able to go out today but the buses are on a reduced schedule because of the holiday and still trying to get dug out of the snow. Plus, it’s a measly 1 degree out. So I am just staying in my room, again. I am listening to the radio today. Unfortunately, my favorite DJ is off today. We sometimes chat on Twitter.

I found out that my book is being sold on Ebay in the UK. I think it’s funny, but whatever gets my book sold, I am for. I am supposed to send out my book to reviewers, but because of my depleted funds and mail being disrupted due to the snow, I think I will wait until the end of the month. Hope by then, the storms will have gone away. Tomorrow and Wednesday we are expected to get more snow. It’s terrible. I don’t remember a winter this harsh. I just fear flooding when it all melts.

I guess today would be a good day to work on my short story. I will try and work on it after I write this blog. The nice thing about this story is that it’s new. I haven’t posted it on my blog and I don’t think I am going to. Unlike my “Darkness will Win” post, that is going to be published. I am working on collecting a few blogs and short stories together to make my second book. I just hope that formatting goes easier the second go round. The first time it was a nightmare. I literally had to go through all 150 pages to make sure they were formatted correctly on each page. And for the life of me, I could not get the acknowledgements page to be on its own. Drove me crazy! The first copy of the Kindle was all messed up. Luckily, only a few people bought it. I fixed it best I could but I still think there is a blank page in there somewhere.

I haven’t had much appetite the last few days. I don’t know why this is. I am depressed but I am not “that” depressed. At least the day time sleepiness is gone. My therapist is on vacation this week. It sucks having her away. My psychiatrist is still out with her broken hip. I just communicate with her via email. I sent her a couple of emails and got no response as usual. I wish she would acknowledge the damn thing so 1) I know she got it and 2) I get a little feedback. I just feel like I am roughing it on my own these days. I stopped taking my antidepressant because it stopped working. I wasn’t going to increase it without her being in the office. Plus it was causing me to keep the weight on as it increased my appetite. I haven’t noticed a big change in my mood since stopping it. I really don’t miss taking it. One less pill to take at night.

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.

Random 743

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Had therapy today. About 40 mins in, I didn’t want to talk anymore. I get bored easily in therapy. Sometimes I can talk through, no problem. But other times, it’s like pulling teeth trying to come up with conversation. Luckily, my therapist asked some questions so the last ten minutes flew. We talked about my blogs that I sent her. She said she doesn’t know how I write on serious topics so well. I had sent her my Zero suicide and my Twitter rant. The Twitter rant was just a bunch of my tweets strung together to make a paragraph. I just rambled on Twitter one morning because I felt like I had to get things off my chest.

The zero suicide blog was again, something to get off my chest. I didn’t think it was that great but my therapist thought so. She said my writing is getting better. I guess writing every day does that to you.

I got another migraine today, this one not as bad as yesterday. I didn’t go out today because my bowels were unpredictable. And I would have to shower. I don’t feel like showering. I will have to sometime tonight or tomorrow morning as I have PT. My ankle is still smarting so I haven’t done any exercises. I tried doing the rolling ankle and it hurt too much. I wish I knew what I did to cause this damn flare up. But I was just sitting, watching the football game, when the pain started. Drives me up a damn wall. If I don’t have a pain syndrome, I must be losing my mind.

So there has been some problems with my royalties from other countries. I don’t understand what the problem is as there was GBP deposited into my account a few months ago, but yet the Canadian dollar cannot be processed. This was from August and I am just receiving notification of it now. I called my bank and found out that only USD can be deposited into my account. But that is what IS being deposited. And don’t they have the currency exchanged?? I changed banks so I am hoping that solves the problem. If not, I am not sure what I am going to do. My writing partner is baffled because she has had deposits from Australia in her bank with no problem. I hope that I don’t have to open an international checking account just for my royalties. It will suck because I never know how many books are going to sell in a month. Because of this mishap, I no longer can use my other checking account like I have. I will have to transfer money from my current account to the other. Which is a pain because it takes 5 business days to complete the transfer. This is the problem of being an author, an international one at that!

Ankle is starting to throb again. I just realized that I have to request my pain medication soon. I am glad I don’t have to have an office visit again until next month. That gives me some time to try and lose a few pounds. I have been trying but it’s been hard with this depression lingering over me and craving sweets, which have been abundant with the holidays. I just finished the last of the sugar cookies my niece made before she went back to college. College. My little baby is in college. I don’t know where the last 19 years have gone. She was a preemie and now is an adult. A smart adult. Going to college.