Tag: mental illness

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

BookCoverImage

Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

Pink Pill Part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

This is what I wrote prior to the blog, “really don’t care”

14-4-14 Pink Pill Part 2

Not doing good. Just realized, I’m becoming delusional over a blogger. I’m convinced this blogger is out to get me somehow though the actual odds of this happening are quite nill. I haven’t been taking the pink pill, mostly because I keep forgetting to or I just thought I can get away with taking it every other day. The pill is expensive for me. But I really need it to keep the delusions away. Luckily, the voices haven’t started up, but I think that is why I have been in a gloomy mood the past few days.

I also have not been taking my mood stabilizer. I haven’t had the inclination to refill my weekly pill box so just been taking what I feel like taking. I think I might end up in the hospital soon if I don’t start taking all my pills. Psychosis for me always means ending up in the hospital.

I don’t know how skipping the pills got started. My editor sent me the first read through late Friday night and I couldn’t sleep so worked on the edits. I wasn’t feeling good and didn’t take everything that night, except my hormone pill, which I have to take to avoid my menses. But I don’t know when the delusions started. I never really do, they just creep up on me. I guess I am hearing internal voices that are saying that this blogger is out to get me when I know there I is no likelihood of this actually happening. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress with getting my book published in a week. I thought I was handling everything okay. Until the conversation with this blogger became more frequent.

I’m also feeling suicidal. I feel this should end. I can’t sleep. I am in awful spasms from the pink pill. It likes to turn my muscles into a rubber ball. With my suicidality up, I am thinking of taking more meds than I should. I already took my required dose today but I want to take more so I can sleep. But I know I will be betraying my pdoc and I can’t risk that, not without calling her first. But it’s late and I hate calling her at this hour. I’m getting to be a wreck. I can’t handle stress like a “normal” person. I just want some sleep so I took some Neurontin. It works in a pinch. Also will help with the burning pain that I am feeling.

And the only reason I am a wreck is because I missed a few days of the pink pill. Weird that out of all my meds, this pill is the one I am most dependent on. Because when I am on it, no delusions, no paranoia, and no voices.

It amazes me that all I need is 10 mg of the pink pill and I am sane. It’s the only pill that works for me. I have been on others but none work like this drug. It is my savior. Savior from hospitalizations. Least I hope so…

a longer blog: breathing hurts

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Longer Blog

I have been trying to nap the last few hours. I got the review approval from Amazon but then I realized I forgot to put in my references so had to go through the entire process again. Now I am waiting for another approval to get a proof. I am surprised the editor didn’t pick up on that, but then maybe she isn’t too academic like I thought. This book isn’t academic in the least but I still reference a few books to stress my point.

I told my therapist the other night that I planned on taking some medication tonight. I am struggling with resistance on doing so. Taking the meds might kill me or give me a heart attack as I am very sensitive to this drug. Just 0.25 mg will cause my heart to race. I told her I wouldn’t do it but didn’t promise I wouldn’t. I just feel so awful. I know, my book is about to be published. I should be feeling the opposite but I am not. I feel like I am never going to get out of this rut that I am in.

One thing that I have learned about the book “Writing The Breakout Novel” is that people read books through word of mouth more than reviews. So I just need a thousand people to spread the word on my book so I can be a millionaire. LOL Doubt that will happen but, you never know. I hate feeling nervous. It is not helping with the feelings of suicidality. I have tried everything today to try and chill. Music, Ativan, TV, and reading. I started reading “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” and finally got back to it. It’s a weird book. I have trouble reading old novels and let’s face it, “Uncle Tom” is not new. It was written before the Civil War by a female which is unheard of in those days and sold more than 100,000 copies. I just have a problem with the language of the book as sometimes I have no idea what the author is trying to say. It’s southern Afro-American dialect and that can be tough. I had a friend that used to clown around speaking that way and I could never understand what she was trying to say. She was from Georgia.
But the good news is that I can still use my tablet even though it is not hooked up to the Sprint network. Course I never used it on the network. I always used the wifi settings.

I took my night meds early tonight because I didn’t take them last night. I just hope I don’t have breakthrough bleeding because I took my pill late. I woke up at 1:15 am from a nap because yesterday was such a crazy day. I didn’t think I was going to sleep that late, but then I started working on formatting my book and I didn’t go back to sleep till six this morning. I was literally burning the midnight oil. But that what the demons do to me. They keep me up most of the night.

The hardest thing that I had to write was the description of the book. But I am proud of it. I don’t know why I still want to kill myself. I guess it never really goes away no matter what success you have in your life. If you feel like ending your life, it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Sometimes, family will hold you back but they can only do that for so long before you start feeling like a burden to them. I just can’t seem to get out of this rut that I am in and I am trying. I haven’t felt hopeful in weeks. I don’t feel depressed. I just don’t want to live. Breathing hurts and I want it to stop.

The invisible weakness

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, writing

I spent most of the day wondering what to write today. I thought I would play with my dragon software that has been laying idle now for a month but had a yearning to listen to Garth Brooks so nixed that idea.

I have been reading the book “writing the breakout novel” by David Maass. Though I never attempted to write a novel, he is giving me ideas for my next book. I am thinking of writing about the most traumatic point in my life but fictionalizing it. I think I can do it. I don’t know if I can write a book about it, maybe a short story, but who knows. I will outline the chapters and such. This book helps with all of that. I could have a breakout novel or novelette.

On another note, been stewing on this all week and I finally can’t hold it in anymore. I have had trouble with my left ankle since 2009/2010. I can no longer stand for long period nor walk long distances like i used to. The reasons for this is not clear as every single test (xray/mri) has come back normal. The only thing that my doc still refuses to believe to this day (and I brought it up to him on Monday) is that I have nerve damage that flares up when I do too much because my ankle becomes fatigued. Because of this, I have gotten an AFO in 2011, took 2 bloody years to figure out that when I am fatigued, my ankle goes from a scale of 1-5, a 4 to a 3/2. AND HE STILL REFUSES TO BELIEVE THAT NERVE DAMAGE IS CAUSING MY PAIN. He thinks I haven’t found the right doctor yet. I have seen 10 of them over the course of 2010 to 2012, specialists from orthopedists, podiatrists, physiatrists, you name the specialty and I have seen them. But because NOTHING shows on the xray/MRI, they don’t want to treat me. Frankly, I know what is causing my pain as long as I don’t exert myself but that is hard to do. Just doing normal activities, standing to make an egg for example, will tire me out or standing to take a shower. I finally got disability but my doc thinks I could be more functional! Yea, if I could go back in time and fix my CES and not see the damn chiropractor! I am just so frustrated, actually beyond frustrated.

So when I bring up the fact that I have nerve damage in my foot and weakness, he brushes it aside as if it is nothing to think about. HUH??? But he still writes out my pain medication script and for that I am grateful because otherwise, the day he doesn’t do that is the day he signs my death certificate, far as I am concerned. My therapist and psychiatrist know this. Actually, I think my psychiatrist knows what is causing my pain but psychs don’t prescribe narcotic meds. It is a shame. Because if she could, and I wouldn’t have to deal with my PCP idiot, I would be a lot happier. I wouldn’t have to go through the rigmarole every month. There isn’t a doctor out there that wants to help me anymore that knows about nerve damage and weakness. If there was, I am sure I would have found them by now. I have seen at least five ankle specialists alone but because nothing shows up on the Xray, they just think I am fine. Well, I am fine. The damage is not in my tendons or bones per se. It is with the muscles that support my tendons and bones. When those muscles weakens, I start getting fatigued. The more fatigued I get, the more I try to walk improperly and that in turn causes me pain. I just wish my doc could understand this formula but nope. It has to be a PHYSICAL structure that is causing this. I am starting to think that if he were a psychiatrist, he wouldn’t believe I have depression because he wouldn’t be able to see it. Same thing. How I wish weakness (physical or mental) could show up on an X-ray. Maybe more people could be helped.

Right now, after all the little walking I did to get my mocha and a half gallon of milk, I am hurting. I have therapy in two hours and I am contemplating taking a pain med. But I am in a messed up mood anyways, so what difference does it make if I take it or not. Pain will only get worse and I rather deal with this level of pain than see it get worse.