Tag: mental pain

Monday Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday Blues

I took my father to his appointment. We got there early and they took him early, which was a shock as the last few appointments they were late. They had a piano playing so I couldn’t read. Live music tends to interfere with my reading voice. So I just played with my phone and texted my sister. My mother is not destined to have a new fridge. She ordered a new one but they had trouble getting it up the stairs. So again, no new fridge. My mother is very upset as am I. I wish she would just let me order from the Sears website but she doesn’t trust her information on the web. UGH. So annoying!

Things with my father went well until the last leg home. That is when he annoyed the hell out of me. My father isn’t happy until he pisses you off. And that he did. I am still fuming. I can’t fucking stand him. I try not to sit next to him on the train for this reason but there wasn’t another seat to be had.

Despite being mad, I am also feeling wicked sad. I keep thinking about Hyde and how sad he is, which makes me feel sad as well. I am the host. I feel what my parts feel. I just don’t know what to do. I do plan on doing something soon. I thought that would make him happy but it’s not. I think he is sad because he hasn’t been able to write dire things lately. I haven’t been able to let him “out” so to speak. I just haven’t been feeling that level of depression since I upped the trileptal or at least starting taking the full dose of it. I had to take it because I kept becoming hypomanic and the crashes were terrible. I could lower the dose again. Only problem is that I really don’t want the psychache to return.

I can’t live with both physical pain and psychological pain. Having both just makes me suicidal. I think that is what Hyde wants. He feeds off it. It is what fuels his writing. Sadly, it also fuels mine as well. Since being on the “right” dose of trileptal, I haven’t been able to write painful stuff. Actually, I haven’t been able to write anything for my book. I just don’t feel it. Writers have said that if you wait to feel it, you will never write. Well, that is my muse. High emotional stuff gives me things worth writing about.

I seem to write good blogs. My readership has gone up the last few weeks. I even have a consistent reader from Guam that is reading (hi!). I should feel proud of myself for be successful but I don’t feel anything. I feel like I should write more but sometimes I feel what I am writing is boring and mundane. My blog used to be about being suicidal. Now I don’t know what it’s about. My daily life and the struggle I have with chronic pain, either physical or psychological or both.

Speaking of chronic pain, last night Bill Maher made a comment that those that use opioids are “junkies” because of the stupid commercial they had during the Super Bowl about a medication for constipation. The asshole didn’t realized what the presence of the chronic pain community he pissed off, including myself. I didn’t participate in the hashing but I did call him a dick. That was all I could think of to say.

I just get frustrated every day because I feel like I write the same things only it’s a different day. I write because it makes me feel better. It’s like an itch that I have to scratch. If I don’t write everyday, I feel like I am missing something. There are some days when it’s hard to write more than 300 words and then there are days like today where I can write 600 or more. I keep track of my word counts because I am a number nerd, just like I keep track of my blog stats. It gives me something to focus on during the day.

Getting back to Hyde, I just don’t know what to do about him. I guess I should just try and let him out more if I am able. It’s just that there has to be circumstances to let him out and I am not always under those circumstances. He is a difficult part. And it hurts me knowing he is too.

Random 601

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had a good nap, a much needed nap. I was going to go to the post office to get some stamps but I will do that tomorrow. I can’t wait till they come out with the Star Trek ones. I will be buying several sheets of those.

I feel like I have wasted the day because I didn’t do anything but make my turkey sandwich. It was so good. My mother is making stuffed chicken breasts. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I am not hungry. Even though I ate around noon, I am still full from lunch. All week I just been having one meal a day. Today I have had two as I had cereal in the wee hours of the morning. I really wanted to make an egg burrito later in the morning but I never did. I fell asleep and then it was lunch time. I think the only reason I had two hours of sleep was because I was hungry. I didn’t have dinner or lunch yesterday.

My sister texted me. I need to watch my little niece, though she isn’t so little anymore but she isn’t old enough to be on her own, just yet. She’ll probably just play on her game. I will bring my tablet down and read Dostoevsky. I hope I don’t have to make her dinner. I suck at making it, even mac and cheese. I can never get the mixture right.

I am feeling a bit low today. I know I am depressed because my eating is off, all I want to do is sleep, and I just can’t focus on one thing for too long. Last night the window was talking to me again, like really talking to me. It freaked me out because I never had inanimate things talk to me before. Sure I have had TV and radios talk to me but not windows. It was just murmuring something and I just couldn’t make out what it was saying. My regular voices were really quiet. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am afraid to tell my psychiatrist or my therapist about this because I don’t want them to worry. They’ll probably tell me to take a trilafon. And I will start taking it once I move my damn bowels. I haven’t gone in three days so the window will have to talk to me for a little while. If it talks to me tonight, I will take it. I don’t want the window to start to tell me to do things. That will be bad. I wish it was like noises in the street or something but the window is in my back of the house away from any street or highway. It points toward my back yard.

Other than my not eating right and my sleep being all over the place, I still feel pretty crappy. I think I am going to send last night’s blog to my therapist so I don’t have to go over again what hassle my father put me through last night. It was terrible. I still am mad at him.

Finished babysitting and now I am really tired. I still haven’t moved my bowels so I just took some fiber pills. Only thing I am taking tonight is stuff to move them. I really need to go because I am starting to get uncomfortable. Screw everything else. I know that is not a good thing to do but I don’t care.

I really hate when you are depressed that you don’t really feel depressed you just feel nothing. Like nothing is ever going to change. It’s not a hopeless feeling; you just feel nothing inside you. It’s like you can feel your organs of body but other than that you feel hollow. It takes strength to breathe because you have to force air in and out of your lungs. You really just want to stop your heart from beating but it just keep going. It annoys the fuck out of me when it just beats it merry beat, like ha ha you can’t die because I am still beating. People in the mental health world like to call this beating a purpose. How can it be a purpose when it’s just a fact of life? You can temporarily stop your lungs from taking air but you can’t stop your damn heart, not by ordinary means anyways. Maybe with a bunch of cardiac drugs but who has those handy?

Put on some of this or that, maybe I won’t feel so bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Put on Some of This or That, Maybe I Won’t Feel So Bad

I was going to say the hell with my plans and drop off the prescription at the pharmacy to be picked up tomorrow or Wednesday when I will get paid. But my ankle is saying “don’t you dare”. Just going down the stairs started a flare up and I give up. I am not going out today like I planned. I really wanted to have Starbucks and a breakfast sandwich but I need to restrict my activities if I am going to go out tomorrow night with friends. I honestly don’t know how I am going to manage this, with my ankle being so sore. I will bring my cane as I will need it for support. I haven’t left the house since Wednesday. And this week was supposed to be a big week. I have doctors appointments for myself and my father. If I can’t get the Zipcar for my father, I will be screwed. I will have to reschedule the appointment. I would like an earlier time anyway other than 1730.

I feel like crying, not because I didn’t get my check but because I am in a lot of fucking pain. This is like a week now that I have been in severe pain and it doesn’t seem to let up. Soon as I start walking around or even moving it to flex it, it hurts. I am so damn sad. All I can think about is the Eric Church song that is running through my head. The title of this blog is the second verse of the song.

I made breakfast. My ankle didn’t like that. It doesn’t like anything that I do. But I can’t just lay in bed all day. I have been doing that for the past four to five days. I am getting a little stir crazy. I was thinking about a story to write about having a narcissistic father but it’s still floating around in my head. I got a comment on my CAMS blog this morning by some clinician who was looking for a later version of the SSF. I told him I don’t know if there is one. There is an electronic version coming out in the spring of this year, CAMS 2. I don’t know if that will be DSM5. I will revise the blog once I get the new information.

Mentally I just can’t handle being in pain anymore. It’s dragging me down a deep hole and I am not sure I can get out of it. I am really pissed off that my ankle hurts so damn bad. It should have recovered after two days of staying in the house but it didn’t. It just got worse and worse. Not even the strong pain meds helped. I might have to take another dose. But I just took my regular meds so we’ll see if that helps. I don’t want to take them together because I will be really loopy. I was talking to a friend the other night via FB chat and I almost passed out on her. I told her I had to go lie down. She didn’t like it but I had to lie down before I passed out.

I think I finally figured out why my nose is all clogged up: the Heat! It’s the only variable that makes sense. I live, almost, in my room so it makes sense that the heat would cause my nasal passages to swell for whatever reason. I should dust it, but I don’t have access to it because there is a lot of stuff in front of it.

My hormone pill is ready to be picked up. I need to get that sometime today. I hope the pain meds do their magic so I can go out and get it. I will drop off the pain med script. I don’t have to go to Starbucks today. I can make coffee. The cream I have is still good until the 27th. Then I will be screwed. I might have to get some from my sister.

I didn’t sleep too good last night. I did wake up around 2300 but I wrote in my journal rather than write another blog. I didn’t go to sleep until around 0200 or so. Then I woke up every few hours until I said the hell with it and got up. I am really tired and feel like going back to sleep. I have no energy to do anything. Hopefully I will nap and then feel better. Because I feel like shit right now. And that isn’t just because my nose is clogged up.

Energized and then caput!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Energized and then caput!

I woke up around 0700 after waking up at 0500. I was going to go back to sleep but wanted coffee badly and something to eat. I don’t know if I am hypomanic or not but I feel really good and energetic. That was until I hurt my foot and had to take pain meds. I was feeling goofy and ecstatic, which I rarely feel. I still feel good and in good spirits but I kind of lost my energy after eating lunch. I was going to go out today but I was so fearful of a flare up that I decided to stay home and watch movies. I have seen one movie today, The American President. It is my favorite movie. My next movie is going to be Bull Durham, but I am not sure when I am going to watch it.

I went down the stairs like a normal person today and paid the price. Just stepping in a downward motion caused severe pain. I usually go down the stairs step one step because of this but because I was feeling “high”, I decided to go down step after step. Wrong move. I couldn’t believe it. It kind of brought my “high” down a few notches. I limped to the kitchen to get whatever it is that I needed to get. I am just so feeling mixed feelings. I think I am in a mixed state more so than hypomanic. My moods have been shifting. I also want to do many things but I can’t because of bloody pain. Right now, my ankle/foot is throbbing up a storm. I am sure I will become depressed again once the pain meds kick in. They usually make me drowsy anyways. I only took one pill so hopefully it won’t make me too drowsy like two pills will. I don’t want to sleep like I did all day yesterday. It is so hard to put the brakes on my high energy levels when I am in pain. I almost never have energy and I want to use it up. But I don’t have the capacity to read. I think if I did, I probably dissociate. I just feel really weird. It’s not like me to have energy and feeling good. I don’t know what to do with myself. I probably would tackle the corner of my room that is aggravating me.

Because I am still waiting the decision on my SSD, I wanted to pay double for my cell phone and cable bill. I checked to see what my cable bill was and it went up six fricken dollars. I am like WTF. I checked my previous bill and it explained that the broadcast and sports fees went up. I don’t watch TV so I went to my mother to find out what channels she watches and to see if I could get a downgrade for my bill. I did. I am saving a whopping $17. It’s not much but it will be better in the long run. I hated paying over a hundred dollars for TV and I hardly watch it. I only watch it when my games are on. I can’t watch my shows because I am usually too tired to watch them and I can’t record them anymore because I don’t have TiVo. Another reason I changed packages was because they took away my CMT channel. The whole reason I went to the preferred package was to get country music. Now that I no longer have this, screw the package I am on. I hope they take away the sports fee because I no longer get the MLB channel anymore. It was a hard decision to get rid of a sports channel I love but I hardly ever watch it because they mostly show games I don’t want to see. Only time they will show things I want to see are the no-hitters in progress or something. That is exciting to watch.

Starting tomorrow, we are supposed to get a huge snowstorm. I really don’t think it’s going to be anything more than a few inches but they keep changing their stories as to how much we will get. I know we are getting something because my pain is through the fucking roof. My spine is aching, my hip pain is killing me and don’t get me started on my ankle/foot. That has been bothering me all damn week.

It’s weird to be in a positive state of mind. I just don’t understand it. Yesterday I was in gloomville, today I am the opposite. I haven’t changed my meds or anything, though I did take my night meds really late last night. I had fallen asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up till 2200 or so. It’s so going to mess around with my hormone pill by taking it late. I usually take my meds around 2000. That is because I am usually wiped out. I don’t think I will be wiped out today. I am still in an energetic mood. I so want to do something but I am in too much pain to really stand on my feet or walk. I might use my grabber to clean that area of my room that I is aggravating me. Most of the stuff just needs to be picked up and thrown away. I have decided that if it has been sitting in a place for more than 6 months, I don’t need it so toss it. Shit on my desk needs to be gone but I can’t reach my desk because of the damn shit in front of it. Once I can clear a space, I can put my printer on my desk rather than have it on my desk chair.

I hope this feeling good lasts a little while but I have a feeling taking my pain meds is going to knock out the feelings. It happened when I was in the hospital after taking remeron. I got a little hypomanic and then was down after taking my meds. It sucked but they probably would have discharged me if I was hypo. The crash was horrible though. I think I felt more suicidal than I did when I first came into the hospital. It was bad. Then Robin Williams died and so did I. I had no reason for living. Things just sucked all around. But things got better with the antidepressant. I gained weight, which my PCP was thrilled about and I haven’t been able to lose it. Docs don’t understand that when you are immobile like I am that meds can cause weight gain and then it sucks trying to lose it. They give you the rap like it’s not good for this and that but do they offer ways to lose it, no. Like you are just supposed to wish it away or something magical to happen to make you down to their expected weight guidelines. Bastards. I am lucky I don’t get the shit from my psychiatrist. I would go off on her because my psych meds are the reason I gained so much meds. And the Neurontin doesn’t help. I have been eating since I have been up this morning because I took a dose of meds yesterday.