There are two basic, albeit contradictory, truths about suicide: A) Suicide should never be committed when one is depressed (or disturbed or constricted); and B) almost every suicide committed for reasons that make sense to the person who does it.–Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
Tag: mental pain
Saturday Blog 35
Saturday Blog 35
Blake Shelton came out with his number one hits collection. Rather than buy it, I just thought I would make a playlist. Turns out I have all of the songs except two. So Monday when I get paid, I will get them. I figure I have the songs anyway, why buy the same ones? I am surprised that “Don’t make me” wasn’t a number one hit.
I finally made the bibliography list for the pile of research articles I have. I have them in alphabetical order. The hardest part was creating the actual reference in EndNote. Some of the authors that were the same weren’t recognized so were created as new. It annoyed me. Took me a couple of hours to put together but it’s done. Now I have three more folders to do.
A Twitter friend said that she read two books today. That made me feel bad because I haven’t been reading “Order of the Phoenix” at all the past few days. I read a couple of chapters today, so I will call that a success. I hope to finish or be close to finishing the book tonight. The writing is powerful and gives me anxiety so I have to take breaks from it. Next book I am reading is on the Lusitania. It’s a fairly mid-sized book so it’s going to take me a while to read it. I know I have all this time in the world to read, but I just don’t have the concentration ability to actually do it. Today I am kind of forcing myself to read as I listen to Blake Shelton, when I really want to watch the Nebraska game and just zone out. But watching TV makes me sleepy afterwards and I want to save my energy for the OSU game at 2000. I found out today that baseball won’t resume until Tuesday. If there is a game 7, it will be in November! I don’t know how the MLB can draw out the post season like this. I don’t ever recall post season games going past Halloween. They are usually done by then. I guess the one day play off games really messed with the schedule.
I’m still feeling really depressed. I am tempted to email my pdoc to tell her I am sinking. Then I think, what good will that do? She can’t do nothing about my mood. There is no magic pill she can give me to stop the psychological pain that I am feeling. I am thinking about restarting Zoloft but I am not sure I can with the fricken nausea it gives me. I might be fine for a month or two, but then I always get the dry heaves and sometimes I vomit. Not good. And it always happens when the medication peaks so I didn’t always put two and two together. Before I did, I seriously thought there was something wrong with my stomach acid pill or my stomach. Then when I stopped the Zoloft, everything went back to normal. I wasn’t nauseous anymore. Other than telling her maybe a low dose of Zoloft might help, I don’t think she will be helpful for me. I have to email her next week to let her know how my appointment with my therapist goes. Maybe then I will ask about the Zoloft. Even if it’s a placebo effect I am looking for, so be it. It’s better than being without an antidepressant.
hurting big time today
Hurting big time today
I went to my father’s like I do every week. This week was different as he wanted me to go to the card store to get some cards as next month is birthday month. There are several birthdays between my sister, my aunt, cousins, and friends. I am going to be broke. I should have bought some cards myself but of course, didn’t think about that till now. I will have to find my way the next time I go to Walgreens. On my way to the card store, I tripped over the stupid sidewalk. The city my father lives is not known for level sidewalks and I kept on trying to look out for this stupid store that had cards for 99 cents. Fucking A. My ankle is really hurting me now and I am not happy about it. Mostly because my father didn’t even thank me for going for him. He is such a bastard.
I was hoping to wake up early so I could make pancakes but that didn’t happen. I really just wanted to stay in bed and screw my father but he would have been really pissed off. One of his meds I have to fill probably Monday so he doesn’t run out. I am so tired of going over there. Least I don’t have any where to go to tomorrow. I can rest my hurt ankle that I really hurt. Least I didn’t fall. That would have been worse.
I still didn’t get this check I am supposed to have. I probably won’t get it until next month. I really want to get my sister’s something for their birthdays but I don’t have any extra cash. This check would be awesome because I could take them out for dinner or something. I don’t know. Just throwing ideas out there. They always give me a lot of presents for my birthday and Christmas and I never seem to be able to give them anything. It hurts me. It just reminds me how fucking broke I really am. You would think after three years I would be used to it. I am used to it till birthdays come flying around. It sucks.
I got no appetite again today. All I had for breakfast was a yogurt and for lunch a granola bar with some vitamin water. I would really have loved pancakes but maybe I can make them tomorrow. Last night I promised myself I would read Harry Potter. Another promise broken. I fell asleep and that was it. I am never going to finish this book. I am having a hard time reading it and I don’t know why this book is different than the other Harry Potter books, except I despise Umbridge. It’s not one of my favorite books I guess.
I am in the type of depression where I just want to take my pain meds or some other med that causes drowsiness and just sleep. I just don’t care. I don’t mean to take the meds more than what I take, but just enough to get me to sleep. And waking up now between 3 and 4 in the morning is really pissing me off. I go back to sleep and I don’t want to do anything the rest of the day. Today was the biggest struggle. I just really didn’t plan on going to the fucking card store for my father. Extra spoons wasted. What am I talking about??!! I got no spoons!! I really just want to be fucking dead. And I am trying hard not to come up with a reason why I shouldn’t go ahead and kill myself. Yesterday, there was a jumper on the train tracks. People kill themselves every day. Why can’t I be one of them??
Quote of the day 22 Oct 2015
I have proposed the view that suicide is prevented by changing our perception of the situation, and by redefining what is unbearable. Perceiving that there are other possible ways of seeing things, redefining the impossible, bearing the unbearable, swallowing the undigestible bolus of shame or guilt. Edwin Shneidman
midnightdemons7 
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