Tag: mental pain

Am I a writer?

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

I haven’t done much more than drink coffee and take a shower, which both seem to be an accomplishment given how I have been feeling lately. The weird mood has ceased and I am back to my depressed self. I am not thinking about harming myself but it is in the back of my mind. I am listening to the same country music songs over and over. It’s a compilation of artists that suit my fancy, from The Band Perry, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan and Blake Shelton to Daughtry, Goyte, and Rob Thomas.

I should be working on my introduction but have decided today is my Sabbath and I am not going to work, other than write my daily blog. I thought about doing some editing but I am just not up for it. I should make a table of contents. I might do that later.

I just can’t seem to get motivated today. I woke up in pain. I don’t know if I was sleeping wrong or my foot just decided it was time to get up, but it has been throbbing since eight this morning. I guess the pain meds that I took before bed wore off. But the pain didn’t deter me from taking a shower. And I rested after I took a shower because I am not going out today.

Thanks to a fellow blog reader, she found me the blog that I was looking for yesterday. I added it to the grief section of my book. I still have to come up with another three thousand words or more now. Just 3,000. Oh boy. I don’t know if I can do it. I know the ending is partly done as I am going to stick in the future blog in it with what I got already. Now I just have to work on the introduction and call it a book. I started the intro yesterday but didn’t get too far. Words were coming out like I was pulling teeth. I only wrote a page and a half and that took quite a bit of effort. I don’t know why words come easily to me at times and other times it so painful. I know when I am feeling content, I don’t write at all. It’s only when I am darkly depressed or slightly depressed that I can express myself. Reading Touched With Fire again is confirming this. Though I don’t really consider myself a writer, if only because I have not published anything formally. I know my therapist will bring up the paper and poem I had published when I was a teen but I don’t really count that as writing. Well, maybe. If I could find the book I am sure I could tell.

Thing is, I never wanted to become a writer. Sure when I was reading Star Trek: TNG books, I thought I could write one but it always seemed out of reach for me. I wanted to study medicine, to help other people. But when that went up in smoke, I just quit. I suffered and I managed a job that at times I hated for fourteen years. I wasn’t making big bucks working at the hospital. Decent money sure with benefits and all, but it didn’t make me happy. I did the work of three people and still managed to do it accurately. It makes me sad that I can no longer work at that job, least not when my foot is still the way it is. And because of my mental illness, I am not sure I can really hold a job again. I probably could hold a part-time job, but even that will take some doing. I know that I can’t work as a barista at Starbucks because there is too much standing and lifting. But I might be able to get away with it for a couple of days a week. But I don’t know if I want to go back to retail. I swore after my days of Somerville Lumber, I would NEVER go back. I couldn’t stand the bitchy customers who would argue over a nickel or penny difference. I so wanted to reach in my pocket and give them a dime, just so they would leave!

But when the time comes for me to look for work again, I hope that I am well enough.

dark clouds circling upon me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, psychache, suicide

I just got finished reading some more of Touched with Fire. I keep reading this book and wondering, is this me? Because the descriptions of the melancholy and the mixed states could be more like me than I have been letting on. I am not saying I need to be on more medication or anything but wow, I never thought I was truly bipolar until I read this book again.

I came across my favorite quote from Tolstoy, “I myself did not know what I wanted. I was afraid of life, I struggled to get rid of it, and yet I hoped for something from it”. I think that is going to be the first line of my book, if I can get it approved. I don’t know how to do that but I will figure it out.

Funny how I wrote a hopeful blog about seeing my future and now all I see are dark clouds circling me. I am tired. I am in pain. My foot is hurting me as if there is no tomorrow. I have taken my meds but they have not kicked in quite yet. I want to end my life because I just cannot go on this way. This heaviness in my chest must cease if I am to survive. I am sure that if I see my doctor he will tell me that I must lose weight. But it is not a visible weight that you can see that is on me. It is to the left of my sternum, under my ribs that I feel this pressure just above my heart. It stifles my lungs. I have to force air in and out to keep myself breathing otherwise I fear I will stop and suffocation is no way to die. It is a painful way to die. I don’t know when the heaviness began. It seems to have reared its ugly head when I was reading about my melancholy and my mixed states. Now I am flooded with emotion that no one else can feel. It is a powerful feeling to write when you feel you are dying. Maybe I have another diagnosis called hypochondria. But this weight is too much to bear. It bored down on you like a heaviness you just cannot explain. Its tightness wraps around your heart and tries to squish it. My whole left side feels weak. I am too tired to fight it. If it is going to kill me, let it be quickly. But maybe the heaviness is trying to stifle the thousand wounds that have been inflicted upon my heart. Either way it is very unbearable and despairing and frightening. I know it is not a sign of a heart attack because I would not be so lucky to die of that. I am not sweaty. I am not short of breath. I just have a 100 pound weight on my chest that no one can see. And I am afraid should it be long continued it will kill me.

nerve pain sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, suicide

I woke up this morning and it felt like my little toe on my nerve damaged foot was cutting into my other toe next to it. It was really hurting but I just cut the nail so I knew it couldn’t be the cause. I was feeling kind of crummy and decided to shave my goatie off as it was annoying me and then take a shower. Whatever was causing my toe to hurt, was worse when my foot hit the water. As much as the shower felt good to the rest of my body, my toe hates me now. I asked my mother to look at the toe as I can’t bend down to see it nor have the agility to look at the stupid thing thanks to four back surgeries. She said that it looks like I have a blister forming or a corn. Great. Now I just have to wait and see what forms and what kind of pain I will be in over the next couple of days.

I hate having nerve damage. My toes are extremely sensitive because of the after effects due to Cauda Equina Syndrome. I got this syndrome more than ten years ago and I am still dealing with it. I hate waking up in pain or staying up in pain almost every single night. The doctors have nothing to do for me. I just take pain meds and hope for the best.

I really am tired of dealing with the nerve pain. Everything intensifies when I try to touch my toes. Cutting my toenails are the worse. I have to wait till the nerve pain is down to a minimum in order to get a hold of my foot to do the deed.

This leaves me very depressed. I miss my old self where I could do the things normal people take for granted. Like taking a long hot shower, taking a long walk, or just standing for more than ten minutes. I have since my original diagnosis have another painful diagnosis of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is fun (said with severe sarcasm). My toes and foot become as cold as ice and then when they warm up, I am in such severe pain all I can do is think about death.
Not only is physical pain exhausting it drags you down mentally. You feel like you are a loser because you can no longer do the things you once were able to do.

I hope my pain is not going to be exhausting tonight. I am hoping to catch a nap now as I am overcome with exhaustion just from taking a shower. I hate when that happens.

ramble 56

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Tonight will be the first week without baseball. I already miss it. I know it will be back in 90 days or so. But how can you go from watching 170 or so games to none? The experience is depressing.

I tried my hand at editing again today. It made me depressed reading my life and what I wrote. So I deleted a lot. I know it was probably wrong but oh well. And then I came to a part that made no sense what so ever. It was like some blogs got smooched together or something and that is probably what happened. So more editing is in my future. But I am glad I got some of it done today. I am thinking of adding the blog I wrote the other day, hodgepodge of blogs, to the book. It has helped so many people in my blog and the AAS so I feel that it is necessary to get the word out. Think I will put it in where I emptied all the other junk.

I keep having dreams that my book is going to be super successful and then I have moments, like now, that feel that it is going to be a flop. I might be ok for the first few months but I don’t think it will after that. Oh author’s doubt is high today.

My suicidality is a little lower today. I am still angry at my therapist and appreciate the feedback I got back on it. Maybe on of these days I will stay on the national hotline long enough to see if they will help me. Samaritans doesn’t seem to keep you on the phone that long. Course the last time I called was years ago, though I have called the National Hotline (800-255-TALK) a couple of times. The hard part is waiting on the line when you want someone to pick up. I guess they are routing your call to the nearest call center or something but it still sucks. I found that texting is better. There is a text number 20121 and you just text 121help. I find that better than talking to someone sometimes. Most of the times I just talk to my blogger friend or another friend or blog. Blogging has been the most helpful to me because I get to express what ever I want to say without being judged by anyone. I might not get any likes or comments or both but least my thoughts are out there. Sometimes it helps someone because they are going through the same thing. There are days I don’t get a response to something but then I do and it validates what I feel. And I think that is the important thing.

My pain levels are scattered today. I woke up with my left calf muscle feeling tight. No matter how many times I tried to stretch it today it just won’t get lose. I should try a hot pack on it or something. I plan on kneading it later. Sometimes it is tight because I have little knots in it.