Tag: mood disorders

my baby has left

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My baby has left

I dropped off my baby (laptop) today as it would be pouring tomorrow. It did rain later in the evening but after I dropped off the package to FedEx, so I made good timing. I had lunch at my favorite place and then had coffee at Starbucks. I tried their new coffee, Sumantra Longberry. It was good and gave me some juice that I needed to write. After I wrote several pages in my journal, I decided to look at the roots story but didn’t have the mindset to do anything with it. I bookmarked it and left.

I got a little wet by the time I reached the station to go home. I caught the train and then got a text saying the buses were moderately delayed. Wonderful. I wanted to call my sister to pick me up but I didn’t want to bother her. So I waited. There were lines of people waiting so I decided to wait for the next bus as crowded buses give me anxiety. The next bus that came wasn’t as crowded, though the bus driver didn’t know where the stop at the station was. Made me nervous. Because there weren’t that many people on the bus, I made it to my stop quickly to go home. It was raining steadily by then. I never walked down the street so fast to avoid getting wet. I wasn’t carrying an umbrella. I hate carrying them. I probably will tomorrow, depends on how bad it rains. I have to go to Stop and Shop to pick up my father’s prescription. Damn jerk didn’t pick it up last week. Just hope my hip isn’t hurting like it is now.

I had therapy today and it went well. I like it when we talk about stuff that isn’t full of air. She is listening to me better than she has the past month and I like it. I guess telling her how I really feel has made a difference. She didn’t push seeing someone new today. I think we are going to try and work things out, which is good. We were talking about Corrective Emotion Experience, or something to that effect. I told her I will be willing to try that form of therapy. We also talked about structure and it will be the first day of catch up from the week and then on Wednesday more like a therapeutic day. She wanted to go once a week but I can’t imagine that to be helpful. All the suicide preventative people that I have talked to or listened to over the years, all seem to agree that twice a week is better than once. But she doesn’t want me to stop all together. I will only do that if she forces me to see someone else. With me catching up with Shneidman’s anodyne psychotherapy, I am learning tricks to help myself and then passing that on to my therapist via text messages. It’s hard to put his words in 160 characters but I am trying. The bottom line is trying to alleviate the press, perturbation, and pain that leads to suicide. We haven’t talked about my suicidality in the past three weeks because we are still sorting through what to do with therapy. It’s on “hold” for now. I talked a little about it today. It didn’t stress her out like I thought it would. She did listen rather than freak out. Progress. Today I thought about the Commitment to living paperwork but I have to be there to construct it. There is just only so much you can so over the phone. I suppose I can blog it and then we can talk about it and agree to it as oppose to signing it. I am just thinking outside the box. I think the biggest hurdle is going to be keeping track of the psychache when I am in physical pain. When my physical pain is low, it’s easier to do a psychache scale. But when I am really hurting, forget about it. It is very hard to distinguish psychological pain from physical when you have the heightened arousal of actual physical pain. I have been good about keeping it down and using Gabapentin more has decreased my pain tremendously, even though I have regained the five pounds I lost. There is nothing I can do about that. It’s just part of the side effects.

My therapist and I did discuss trying to find a CAMS therapist in this area. I have to get the nerve to tweet Jobes to see if he keeps track of such things. I know for CBASP there is a compilation of therapists on the website but, unfortunately, none are in my area. The closest person is in Rhode Island and that will be troublesome. I can look again. There might be more people trained in this area of psychotherapy. For CAMS, I personally know one of the consultants and am thinking of asking her rather than go through Jobes. Then I thought about it…would I see this therapist just because I am suicidal? That would be a pretty specific therapist to see just for a few weeks time. (CAMS can be useful in as little as 8 sessions.) I think I will do that and see where it gets me. The worse she can say is no, she can’t help me.

Quote of the Day 28 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicide

Suicide is both a logical and psychological phenomenon. As a logical thought disorder it is fueled by an individual’s emotional turmoil and grounded in his psychological history.  Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Good Day in Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Good day in therapy

I had therapy this afternoon and it went well. We talked about my stressors over the weekend and the night where I was up till 0600. I told her in detail of what had kept me up and where I kind of didn’t know why I kept avoiding bed. I honestly don’t know what I was doing in the wee hours of the morning.

I told her that my application for Zipcar had to be put on hold because my laptop has priority at the moment. She seemed okay with this but really was again pushing for another therapist. She wanted to give me some names and I refused to take them. She wants me to have the best care, which she feels she is unable to do because of the phone. She said she isn’t going anywhere and she isn’t mad at me. I told her that if we continue, she needs to shut up more and let me talk. Not every problem needs fixing. I am using my old laptop to see if it can do what I want to do. My box came for my “baby” but with the battery still not charging, I want to make sure I can get by until the new batter comes in, which will be later this week.

Overall, I say it was a good session until she started bringing up her consulting group telling her this was no good and that I would be better off with someone else. I had a feeling someone else was behind the idea of seeing someone new. I am grateful her phone has been having difficulties so she hasn’t called the center number I gave her. It’s in my area, though it will take two buses to get there. I wish I could just walk down the long street but I just can’t. It’s too hilly and my ankle would not like it at all. The other people she was suggesting I see were DBT based therapists but not strictly DBT. I have no idea if they would take my insurances. The whole idea fills me with tremendous anxiety. This is why I haven’t seen my neurologist because I am not sure how much I will have to pay to see her.

We also discussed how I was doing and I told her about the email I sent to my psych. I still haven’t heard back from her, but she is away so might not have a chance. I told my therapist that I am just frustrated with the depression coming all the time and not being able to breath sometimes because it is so heavy. I also told her I told my psych that I am frustrated with the depression and that nothing can be done about it.

I have figured out a way not to get distracted on the phone with my therapist and that is by putting on the “do not disturb” function on my phone. It worked today, though I didn’t get any phone calls. Yesterday while I was on the phone with Dell, I must have had three phone calls during the hour I was on the phone. I never get phone calls, only when I use my phone. Yesterday was also the record for calls. I used my phone quite a bit. I am glad I have unlimited minutes because I am sure that I would have used more than 450 yesterday alone.

My therapist proposed having a schedule where we get caught up and then we work on something. She wants me to continue texting and blogging her with ideas that I have that could be helpful for us. I told her it would be nice if we collaborated more on stuff rather than her always talking about spoons or how stressed I am. That isn’t really helpful to me because, duh, I already know. I also told her to drop the subject of my father as my arrangement with him is not going to change. Even if I am sick, I would have to do his meds. Though if I am really sick, I don’t think exposing him to my virus will be a good idea. He is not a well man and can’t take it. But as long as I am healthy, I still plan on going over there every week, even though it’s a pain in the ass to see the ungrateful bastard.

We talked about the possibility of going to the commuter rail that does go to her town but she said she is no where close to the downtown area. I guess that is where the train will let you off. I have never travelled there so I don’t know the layout. But even if I were, it would be an all day affair and I just don’t think that is worth it for 50 minutes. So that idea is shut down. I’ll just have to figure out how to get Zipcar.

an experiment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An experiment

Next month I will be doing an experiment to see if getting a T pass is really worth it or if just putting money on my card is. With the Pass, I can use the bus and train multiple times a day and it doesn’t cost me anything. If I put money on the card, every time I use a bus or train, it will cost me. I haven’t kept track of my uses and this is going to be a challenge because I hate paperwork. But I am willing to try it anyways to see if the $29/month is worth it

I got the new battery for my older laptop. The thing that stinks is it won’t come until next week and I didn’t want to pay for expedited shipping. I did that once and it was the same as if I had regular shipping, so why pay extra? I backed up most of my files yesterday, either using my thumb drive or dropbox. I like dropbox because I can access my files on my phone. I put the new story I am working on it so now I have access to it wherever I go. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. Using dropbox is better than carrying around your laptop. I love it. I also uploaded the excel sheet for my experiment. Just hope I remember to use it when I am traveling.

I slept for about five hours. I woke up in pain. I am still hurting so took some medicine to calm things down. I hope I get back to sleep soon. I really don’t want to be up this early and stay up all day. If I go to sleep before 0600, I stand a chance of not waking up with a hangover, which is what I am hoping for. I have a little bit of cream left so I can make coffee and pancakes. I really am addicted to my oatmeal pancakes. They are just so yummy. It’s my favorite breakfast food, other than egg burritos that I make. I am out of the flour tortillas. I hope to get them with my grocery order but it doesn’t look like I will be having one this month. I overspent, sort of. Most of my money went to fixing my laptop and ordering a new battery. I also needed to get household items at Walgreens/CVS like soap, aspirin, etc. I have no idea where the money went. And what stinks is I won’t be getting my royalties this month for last month’s earnings. I will get it next month. I was very curious to see if the pages that were read I got compensated for. But I got to wait till next month to find out. Bummer.

I can’t wait for baseball tonight. I got to find out what channel the game is on. No one answered my inquiry on Twitter. I think the game will be on Fox but I am not sure. It will be interesting watching these teams match up. Both teams have had several days rest so that also makes it interesting. I am rooting for the Mets.