Tag: nerve damage

hot day in Oct

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hot day for Oct

I had a rough time trying to go to sleep as any movement of my ankle/foot caused pain. I eventually did fall asleep and then woke up after 8. I took my pain and BP meds. My bowels were awful. I kept having to go so I took some Imodium after the second trip. Then I fell back to sleep until my loud mouth aunts came to see my mother. Apparently, my cousins were throwing one of my cousins who was pregnant a brunch. No one told me this. I got up after the loud mouths left and had some sliders.

My sister made my mother a plate so she had that for lunch. I’m still full so haven’t made supper. It was nice out so my brother in law decided to work on our heat system. My room is like 90 degrees with the AC cranking on full blast. It’s so hot in my room. I think he is trying to get all the air out of the system or something. I don’t know. He was telling my mother towards the end of last winter that a plumber needed to fix the system so why he is doing this, I have no fricken clue. I hate the heat. I am not in a good mood right now.

The Red Sox have named a former player as their manager. They fired their manager, John Farrell, after they didn’t advance in the playoffs. I hope the 2018 season is better but only time will tell. I really liked John and will miss him.

I emailed my psych really late last night to tell her I had a date. I didn’t tell her what it was, I never do as it can change like the weather. I have therapy tomorrow. I had told him that the 30th would be our last session. I didn’t tell him why and he didn’t ask. I’m sure we will talk about it tomorrow.

I wanted to take down my recycle today but keep forgetting about it. Think I’ll just put it in a trash bag and when that is full it will be easier to bring down. I can just throw it down the stairs without having to carry it.

Because it’s been so hot in my room, I’ve been chugging water. Hope this doesn’t lead to being up all night going to the bathroom. I have been having a low pain day so far but I really haven’t done much. I mostly been sleeping other than going down to the bridal shower for some snacks. I was glad they didn’t have anymore donuts. Those are my nemesis right now. I had bought a pumpkin donut from the local donut shop. I left it in the paper bag for about 2 days and the grease was awful. It soaked up the bag and I was like eewww. Not buying them again.

spoonie day completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Spoonie day completed

I woke up in typical fashion after a night of horrible pain, low pain in the morning. I took advantage and showered. I also made oatmeal pancakes and coffee. I wanted to cut my toenails on that foot but didn’t want to push it. Now it’s impossible because I am flared up again. I got up to get my night meds and boom, my foot went out in pain. Great.

My psych wanted me to page her in the afternoon so I did. Unfortunately, my mother called at the same time she did so she got sent to voicemail. My mother wanted me to make her lunch as she was still hurting with her knee. I made her the sandwich and then paged my psych again. I was expecting a quick callback but nothing. Here it is almost six hours later and nothing. I emailed her to tell her I paged her but never got a response. I am going to email her again in an hour telling her I will be going to bed soon. I sent her a goofy email while I was drugged up with my pain meds and she is worried about me. I read the email this morning and it was not one I normally send. I told her I loved her and some other sentimental things, totally out of character for me.

I’ve been doing some PT stuff, mostly imagery. I haven’t used the app today. I probably will after I write this blog. I didn’t use it yesterday because I just wanted an off day of doing nothing. For the first time this month I had a day off from appointments and leaving the house so just stayed in bed. I was in pain anyway so there wasn’t much I could do. Now I will be on my bed the rest of the night. I hope I can sleep.

I’ve been feeling good despite my flare up just now. It was a relief to have a temporary low pain and still do things. My middle sister dusted and vacuumed for my mother ¾ of the house. She said she will be back in the morning to do the bathroom and kitchen. While she was here, she bitched about her kids and my crazy cousin, who is a kleptomaniac. My 2nd youngest niece hangs with her and I hope doesn’t get involved in the stupidity my cousin pulls. My cousin loves diagnosing people and I can only imagine what shit she has told my niece.

Yay! My psych called me back. Unfortunately, she changed our appt time to the 30th after I told her I was stopping treatment after Oct. I just don’t want any appointments in November for reasons I didn’t tell her. I felt like I bullshitted her while talking for the first time in my life and it didn’t feel good. We talked about the transgender stuff and she told me the hospital will be expanding care in the future for transgender people. That’s cool and about time! Monday I will legally be G Collerone and I hope that will be on my death certificate. That will be very important to me, but then I’ll be dead so I won’t know. I’ll haunt my family if not, haha.

random Friday blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Friday Blog

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. I woke up around 8 and took my blood pressure and pain pills. Then I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth as standing hurt too much. I haven’t done it in two days now and really don’t care. I wanted to go back to sleep but it was difficult. Then my loud mouth aunt came over and forget about sleep. While I was trying to doze, I got an internet call. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message. It was the courthouse wanted me to call them back. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone so I waited a while.

I was really hungry as I didn’t eat anything in about 24 hours. I didn’t want to eat with my aunt and mother in the kitchen so I waited for them to go to the living room. I was just in an off mood and didn’t want conversation, at all. I made four sliders and had some Fresca, which is a diet soda, the only kind I drink. It was yummy. I then went upstairs where my ankle/foot acted up again. I called the courthouse and left as message as no one answered.

My loud mouth aunt left after about a half hour so I finally fell asleep. I slept for about four hours and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up, there was a message from the courthouse. I need to go in on Monday! I won’t be going early, just around 11 or so. It is going to be a long day because I have therapy in the afternoon. Think I will take the bus to Harvard Square and hang out there for a bit. I don’t know how long it will take at the courthouse. I am excited as I will finally have the name that I want.

I’m still depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I need a shower but I hurt too bad to stand. I’ve been trying to do the PT stuff but it’s hard when you are in so much damn pain. Last night when my pain was high, I took pics of my feet and ankle. My PT wanted me to. So I did and then I sent them to her. She responded that they were for me. WTF. I hate looking at my feet let alone someone else’s. I haven’t done the app thing because I just don’t feel like doing a damn thing today. I just want to die. It will be soon, I hope.

PCP appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP appt and other things

I woke up in pain, again around nine. I used the bathroom and took my pain meds. Then I just laid in bed. I didn’t want to go back to sleep as I knew that would mess me up. I really didn’t want to go but this appointment was the next step to getting my transition started. My mood really sucked so I had to push myself for most of the day. It was exhausting and pain didn’t help matters.

I got to Starbucks and a woman approached me. We had met during my last hospitalization and she is now living in the area. I asked her if she still had my number. She did and she said she’d call. I doubt it. I haven’t heard from her since I left the hospital and I totally can’t think of her name. But it was good bumping into her.

I had something to eat and my espresso. I tried writing but was distracted. My ankle bone was really hurting. I tried to do some imagery exercises the PT wanted me to do to distract myself. I only got so far. I then started doing some of the belly tightening exercises she wanted me to do. That didn’t help me either. I did like 5 of them before I stopped. I didn’t feel like doing anything else. I used the bathroom before leaving and went to my appt.

I got there with time to spare. Supposedly my doc was on time, but I didn’t see him till 20 minutes past my appt. He read my psych’s note and found I wanted to be called he and G. I said yes. I told him I needed the notes from today so I could go to my next step for transitioning and he almost started to talk me into going there for my healthcare. Don’t think so buddy. Least not for now, anyway.

I then brought up that I wanted to be put on a longer acting pain med. That is when my being fat came into play. He said because I was obese, I might have a sleep disorder and that is why I wake up in the middle of the night not because of pain. Yea okay. He wants me to have a sleep study done before he thinks about going on a longer acting med. Fine, whatever. Did I mention I was hurting NOW?? I emailed my psychiatrist. I think she is fed up with me because she hasn’t responded to any emails I have sent her the past week. I’ve sent her whacky things the past few days, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep due to pain.

My suicidality has increased. I don’t know what the point in sticking around is. My doc said that the neuro says I have a nerve injury and, just like I thought, that pain meds are not good for it. It will be only a matter of time before he takes me off them. I hope I will be dead by then.