Tag: physical pain

a tired blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A tired blog

Every morning this week, I have woken up in some kind of pain. It could be my toes, foot, ankle. Mostly it has been my ankle. I had to get up and take my blood pressure meds. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I am so aggravated. Some days, I will need my strong pain pill to get through the day. But I haven’t left the house in almost a week. I haven’t showered. I want to today. I need to. But I don’t know if I can. I just want to lie down and sleep. I don’t want to do anything else.

I’m going to try and make coffee today. Maybe that will give me some motivation to do what I need to do. I am supposed to go to the post office to mail my former therapist her paperwork that she needs so that she can adjust my bill. I also sent her my new book as she hasn’t purchased it yet. I don’t think she knows how to, to be honest.

My settings on my word doc still are messed up. I tried googling them but all I got was what I am doing. How annoying. Then last night, my screen was making some kind of weird in and out colors. I hope my screen isn’t going like it did the last time. I don’t have money to fix or replace my computer. I know it’s old but it still does its job. I haven’t been on my laptop most of the week. I just have been using my phone or most things. One day, I was so “lazy”, I made a blog post from my phone because I didn’t want to log on to my laptop. I also have been staying off of Twitter as much as possible. If I tweet, I tweet and then I get off the app. There is so much shit going on between Trump and healthcare act, that it’s making me really sad. I honestly don’t know what the new healthcare act covers because there are a ton of shit it doesn’t. I don’t think the GOP thought of it at all. They just hated Obama so much they want to get rid of everything he did that was good for the US. Really sad.

I am really tired though I have a little energy. Maybe I will make some coffee if my mother leave the kitchen. I am not up for conversation. I want to make a bacon sandwich but it will be too much trouble. I really don’t have the energy level for that. I am going to order Chinese food today. I am going to order scallion pancakes because I forgot to order them last time. That is if my ankle will allow me to go down the stairs to get my order. That has been the biggest reason why I haven’t ordered food the past few days. I won’t be able to make it down the stairs. Being in chronic pain really sucks.

My friend’s birthday is coming up. I am thinking of taking him out to the Thai restaurant we always go to. It would be good to see him again. He is 80 years old. You wouldn’t tell as he looks to be about 60. He still gets around and is independent as one can be. I really love him as he is an intelligent fellow. He loves organ music. I have been thinking of writing his biography but I don’t know how to broach the subject. I have never written a biography book before. It would be interesting and a learning experience.

I have been thinking of getting my hair cut again. It’s not too long or anything as it’s been about two to three weeks since my last cut. But I really would like to keep on top of it. I like it when it’s buzzed. I might get it done next week. I hope this tiredness and lack of motivation lifts by then.

no motivation today at all

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No motivation today at all

I woke up congested from allergies and my ankle was being a brat so I took my pain meds and a benedryl. When I woke up, I felt a little better. My mother just got home from shopping so I helped with some stuff. I put the freezer things away first and left the rest for my mother to put away. She is better at organizing the fridge than I am. I then went back up to my room to relax a bit.

I was playing on my phone when a call came in. There has been a lot of spoofing with Massachusetts numbers so I let it go to voicemail. About a minute later, I got a message. Checked and it was the therapist I called on Monday returning my call. He did have a few openings for new clients so he wants to talk to me. I called him back and left a message. The phone tag has begun. I hope it pans out. It would be great to talk with someone again. I just worry about the copay situation because I get paid once a month. I hope he is okay with that, if this pans out.

I tried to go back to sleep after I left a message and my ankle exploded. I became really hopeless. I debated on taking the strong pain pill and did. It helped ease the pain I was in but didn’t help my mood at all. The benedryl wore off so now I am back to being congested. I will take another pill before bed.

My mother noticed that I haven’t left the house in a couple of days. I don’t care. I am debating cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really am in the funk of not wanting to leave the house. I think once I take a shower, I will feel better. I haven’t taken on all week. I keep saying I will take one today but I never do. Tomorrow I have to because I have to see my psychiatrist. If I do see her, maybe I will reward myself with some Thai food. I haven’t had it in a long time.

Waking up in the middle of the night really messed things up for me. I never reheated my pancakes. I just had a bowl of cereal and my mother made spaghetti and meatballs for supper. That’s good because I wanted to order food. I haven’t made coffee in a few days. I just don’t feel like having it. I really feel like I could sleep right now. I am just so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. It has to be the depression making me feel this way. I hate when I have depressions like this. It just sucks and makes me feel completely hopeless about things. I emailed my psychiatrist about feeling this way. I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to ask her for her permission to end my life. I know it sounds stupid and I know that the answer will be no, but I really want to hear her tell me that. I value her opinion on these matters. I just have my voices and myself telling me to end things so it will be good to have her say things opposite to what I am thinking. If that makes sense.

in search of pancakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In search of pancakes

I woke up at 0300 wanting pancakes. As I walked down to the kitchen, I wasn’t feeling up to it. I made a bowl of cereal instead. I was still under the influence of pain meds and neurontin. After I had my cereal, I went back to bed. I slept until 7, then 9, and I finally got up around 11. I had a headache and felt hungover. I needed coffee. I thought about going to Starbucks but I couldn’t see myself getting dressed and going out. I wasn’t feeling that great.

I made coffee and still wanted pancakes. I never made them. I figure I could talk to my mother about making them for supper. But then I saw chicken on the counter so I knew pancakes were not going to be made. I took my coffee up to my room and then played on my laptop, reading Facebook and Twitter. I wanted to take a nap but dinner will be done soon.

My pain came back when I came back to my room. It was nice to have at least two hours being pain free. It’s not horrible pain. Just enough to tell me I have an ankle and foot. I had emailed my psychiatrist as I got wicked upset last night. The pain was out of control and I decided to double my dose of the strong pain pill to get relief. I didn’t care that it was going to interfere with my sleep. I just wanted relief. And it did interfere with my sleep as I was up every two fricken hours.

I called one of the three therapists today. I couldn’t call all three as I just wasn’t up for it. My former therapist texted me back about the billing issue. She said there was some paperwork that I needed to fill out. I told her I never got the paperwork so she is going to mail it to me. I don’t understand why I have to fill out this paperwork as when I first got Medicare they were processing her claims okay. I don’t know what happened after that as I never got another statement from Medicare about the claims they were billing. I didn’t think much about it until now. I just know I am not paying her anything until this gets straightened out.

I am really exhausted and I haven’t done anything today except make coffee. I haven’t eaten anything. I just plan on stuffing myself with chicken cutlets for my one meal today. I am kind of sad I never went to Starbucks because I just lost my stars reward. I am sure there will be other chances to get rewards. Tomorrow I think I am going to get a roast beef sandwich at Kelly’s or maybe a cheeseburger at Five Guys. I will decide when I get there which restaurant to go to. Course it all depends on my pain level because it’s a walk to get there. The weather is supposed to be warmer than today so we’ll see. I haven’t had Five Guys in a long time. I used to go there all the time when I had a car. I miss having a car, sometimes. I don’t miss driving in traffic that is for sure! I still have my Zipcar account but haven’t really used it at all in the last few months. I should reserve a car for a couple of hours just to drive around town and shop or something. I need to get Sox PJs as the ones I have are wearing thin. I can’t find them online. I need to go to Target or Walmart to get them. I miss shopping but it tires me out. Much easier to shop online.

Hope tomorrow I am up for making pancakes. I am so craving them.

Reading and other things on my mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Reading and other things on my mind

Early yesterday morning I was drinking coffee and reading Neil Gaiman’s new book, Norse Mythology. It is excellent so far. I am really enjoying it. It has to be the first book that I can say that about in a long time. I wanted to get back to it when I got home from my activities but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to read. Later today when I make my coffee, I will read some more. I hope to be finished with it by Sunday. It’s not a big book.

Pain is keeping me up. I took my meds but I don’t think it will help as the pain is coming in spurts rather than being constant. It flashes for a minute or two and then stops. It is very annoying. Now I am dealing with burning pain so I took some Neurontin. I also took some Ativan and a trilafon because I am agitated and hearing voices. The voice is a cartoon character and it keeps telling me to “do it, you know you want to” over and over again. I have tried to shut out the voice but it keep invading my thoughts so I took a trilafon to ease it. I hope the psychosis isn’t because of the hypomania I had earlier today. I am hoping to get the voice under control or I will have to call my psych, who probably will want me hospitalized. Thing is, I don’t know what exactly the voice is telling me to do. Very weird and frustrating.

I am very tired but not sleepy. I am having anxiety due to PTSD because I am afraid to lie down for fear of the pain getting worse. And because I can’t lie down, I can’t sleep. It usually takes me several tries before I can lie down and actually sleep. It’s so frustrating. I wish there was a ritual or some kind of routine I could do to ease the anxiety but the pain is unpredictable. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Or I will be just to the point of going to sleep and the pain will intensify. So damn annoying.

I wish I could sleep sitting up but it hurts my back after a while. Eventually, I do lie down, but only when I am exhausted. I am hoping the Ativan works soon as it’s past my witching hour where I stay up all night. I really don’t want to fall asleep at 0400 or later. That will just suck.