Tag: psychological pain

How Country Music Touches You

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide

How Country Music Touches You

I have been listening to Pandora for most of the day. I have it on “Terri Clark” radio and I have been listening to all the “old” country that made me fall in love with country, not the rock/rap stuff they have today. A couple of songs in the morning really got to me. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I was very tearful. The songs they were playing was about relationships ending and I couldn’t feel like I was losing my therapist because of the current transportation issue. I was going to see my therapist today but my father interceded. Asshole had an urgent matter that had to be dealt with on his NOW terms. So my sister needed the car to take him where he needed to go. I was pissed that he didn’t call me, because what the hell do I take him to his medical appointments for?? He just is an ungrateful bastard.

So what would have been the last time I see my therapist turned into no trip out there after all. And the songs they were playing just had me thinking that maybe our relationship is over now. But then Faith Hill’s song, “You can’t lose me” came on. I cried harder and when I told my therapist, she said that is our song now. I was already bawling so cried some more. I swear I bawled the first 20 minutes or so of our session. I was just so weepy. I have been up since 0430 so already it has been a long day. I had coffee which gave me the ups but by 11, I calmed down and was just down. Then the songs played and I was weepy. And of course my therapist had to ask how I was doing. Doing awful. I told her the thoughts of suicide came into my head today, just out of the blue, like what if I killed myself. But the thoughts didn’t hang around. My mood just wasn’t “depressed enough”, I guess.

I don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. My therapist doesn’t know that I secretly want another therapist. I just don’t think she is good for me anymore and now that we are not going to be seeing each other face to face for a long time, I can’t help but wonder if the phone is really going to work. I so wanted to be in the same room with her just so she could possibly hold me while I was crying. Realizing that, just made me cry more. I have stuffed animals at her office, a 3 ft bear (Johnny) and two smaller bears (Bucky and Amelia). I miss seeing them, and obviously, my therapist. But finding a therapist, as I learned, is so difficult when you are chronically suicidal. It shouldn’t be like that, but sadly it is. I had called 10 therapists when she first moved to Framingham (the town she practices out of). I couldn’t find one to take me on. Then when I was in the hospital, they found me a center that I could go to. Well, the nitwit was downright scared of me. He was just so nervous. It didn’t work out and by session three, I said goodbye.

I am so drained. I could write about how it sucks not finding a therapist to expand their horizons and just take a chance but I am not in the damn mood. I am tired of trying to find someone that I can count on in the mental health field. Yet there is a therapist that piques my curiosity. Only trouble is, I love his tweets and if I become his patient, I lose him as my twitter buddy. His policy. And I like our relationship as it is right now, though he doesn’t know me from Adam. It’s just that I like his personality. And after reading his blogs, I think that he would be a good fit for me. But I don’t think I can ever cross that boundary. Besides, I am so terrified that he will find an excuse not to see me it prevents me from pursuing the matter. And all the while I was thinking this, I felt like I was cheating on my therapist.

I am at the stage where right now, I really can’t leave my therapist. We are in the middle of important work with dealing with my ex and all she put me through. We didn’t talk about it today. I was too emotional to get into it and she respected my space. Plus, I felt like I was crying over the grief of that relationship, which I never did before. I usually just drank her away, or tried to.

When I was in the kitchen, eating a brownie, I noticed my ankle and foot were swollen again. Pissed me off. My toes looked like Vienna sausages. So I just kept them up. Now they are hurting me. I hate being in pain every single day. Today I looked at a couple of doctors that specialized in the ankle. I couldn’t find a one that wasn’t a surgeon. And a surgeon just won’t deal with you if they can’t cut you. So I am back to square one. I am so frustrated having to find a therapist that is within a 5 mile radius of my house and a foot/ankle doctor that is the same. Why is it so hard when I live in the academic capital of the world??

missed meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

here is a blog that i think all of us can relate to:

http://www.mentalparent.com/mental-illness/missed-meds#.VBigf44pDFp

ramble 628

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I had therapy today. I have to say that this new development has my therapist’s curiosity piqued. We tried talking about it today but there was nothing new. Things have settled down some and I think I am back to being “me” again. She didn’t have a chance to read the letter I wrote her last night. I just told her the contents and thankfully, I didn’t have to read it to her.

Though it is still early for the poll to close, the majority of people that voted (9) wants me to continue this blog. So I will write every day, even if I don’t feel like. But there maybe some days that I am unable to write. Tomorrow is one of those days. I am hoping that the stress of the day won’t stir things up. I have my father’s appointment in the morning. I hope the doc is on time or close to it, as last time we were there almost all morning. Granted my father was late getting there so that didn’t help matters. If we manage to get out before 12 I will go to my second home (Starbucks) and also will be bringing my laptop so I can blog, possibly, or write in my journal. I have slightly given up on the short story collection book that I have been working on. I found out they don’t do well. I still haven’t heard from the agent. It has been a little more than a week now. I am half expecting an email saying “sorry not interested” or something to that effect. I have 3.5 weeks left to know of an interest.

Funny thing is, I don’t think I have told my therapist this bit of information, LOL. Since we have been dealing with the DID stuff, I really have time to tell her or mention it. I guess if something happens by chance and I do get an agent, then I will let her know.

I have to take a shower today. Thing is I don’t want to because my ankle is acting up. I took some pain meds so if it calms down enough and I have a window of no pain, I will try and take advantage and shower. That is how my life has become. Usually taking it in the morning is better than during the day or evening. But sometimes if I take a morning shower, it drains me and I won’t be able to do anything the rest of the day. And tomorrow I need all my spoons with me so no shower. It has to be tonight at the latest.

I was singing to one of the Luke Bryan songs on my MP3. I was just mouthing the words because I know my mother wouldn’t be able to hear me anyways. She now thinks I am “happy”. She also bitched that I don’t help her around the house. Well, I got a bad ankle so I can’t do much. She said she was “lazy” and doesn’t know why. I can tell her why but she wouldn’t like it. She is overweight and depressed. And for someone that has COPD, that isn’t good. But does she do anything about it? NOOOOO. She also is in chronic pain with her knees and back. Does she take something for it? Nope. Not even so much as an aspirin. Fucking kills me that she is so stubborn. There are medications out there to help her and she just doesn’t want to be on them. I can understand. I was there where she was. But I wouldn’t be able to function, at all, if I didn’t take the pills I take, including my psych meds. Sure, I have problems paying for my meds, everyone does, but she also has diabetes and her insulin is ridiculously expensive. It pisses me off that her test strips are free but her insulin costs an arm and a leg. She needs her insulin more than she needs the test strips!

Today is National World Suicide Prevention Day. One of my groups, the depression and chronic illness one, a woman was saying all she thought about was suicide 100%. I gave her the suicide number to call as well as the text number in case she felt more comfortable with that. I then find out through one of the admins that we lost two group members through suicide the past two weeks. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force them to drink.

It is weird that a month ago, I was wallowing in the depths of suicidal depression and it wasn’t until I started back on an antidepressant that I started feeling better. I still was suicidal during the first few weeks, and especially after Robin Williams died. I remember writing to my writing partner, saying it was my turn now. I was in the hospital so there was no way I could try. And after I left, I found I didn’t want to try. I still had the ideas in my head, but the motive behind them were not as strong as they were the first couple of weeks in the hospital. So even though I didn’t get the support I wanted, the hospital did do something.

Normal vs Abnormal

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Normal vs. abnormal

I realized today that since having a nerve injury, I don’t know what is normal anymore. I don’t know what it is like to not live in pain every day. I don’t remember what it was like working a full time job while suffering from chronic pain. I also don’t know what it is like anymore to go to the bathroom and not find surprises. This is what my life has become since getting Cauda Equina Syndrome and being diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).

I can also say that I don’t know what it is like being normal without having voices in my head that talk to me all the time. My therapist and I were talking about this during our last session. I have to hear a “voice” while I read. It narrates the words. It usually is male as I frequently buy books that are authored by males. But it is the same male voice that hear. Without this voice, I cannot read. The words just do not make sense. Apparently, my therapist has told me that this doesn’t happen with someone else. She doesn’t have a voice that narrates when she reads something. I find this curious and so does she. As she puts it, “someone” has to “read” to me. But I have always heard the voice. Maybe it is just my muse reading to me. I don’t know. But then, I have lived my entire life since the age of five with hearing voices and keeping it covert. I guess the only ones that know I hear voices are the people that read this blog and read my memoir. Few family members know. I think my mother thinks I was “cured” I first hospitalized at the age of 16.

I was thinking about this whole normal vs. abnormal thing because I don’t remember what it was like having a normal bowel movement. I have to take stuff to go where as before, I just went whenever. I might have been constipated but if I don’t take stuff for it now a days, I can be backed up for a week or longer. And then I am really uncomfortable. I also don’t remember what it was like to actually feel the stool leave my body. I don’t have that sensation anymore. It has slowly come back but if I have loose stool, I really don’t feel it. Just like I don’t feel when I leak urine. My boxers will be wet but I don’t feel it. It’s not until I actually urinate that I notice I leaked.

I also don’t remember what it was like showering and feeling invigorated by it. Lately, it just has been an energy draining experience. I might have energy to take a shower, but then by the time I am done, I find that all my energy is gone. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day when we met up for coffee. She said that she would say this to her daughters, and they wouldn’t understand how it could be so draining. I thought I was the only one to feel this way but apparently, those of us with chronic pain also feel like this. I haven’t showered since the day I met my friend (three days ago). I plan on taking one tonight, before bed, so that if it does drain me, at least I will be going to bed anyways.

Also, since having the nerve injury, I find that I cannot tolerate heat. I never could stand the heat before my surgery, but after it I found that if I wasn’t in cool surrounding, I get very irritable and cranky. I don’t know how my mother can stand the humidity of the house today as the temp is in the 90s. I barely made it home but thank god for an AC’d bus. Waiting for it in the heat was very unbearable but there was not much I could do about it. There was a kid, probably around 4, that was playing with his ball at the station where I was waiting for the bus. He was annoying me because the ball was going all around me. I know that if the temp was cooler, I probably wouldn’t have been so annoyed. But I wanted to get out of the house as I have not been outside since Thursday when I met with my friend. My ankle does not like me right now, but I don’t care. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest it. I have plans for Monday to have lunch with my Aunt. I hope she doesn’t cancel on me again. We have been rescheduling this meet up for months now. I know she wants to chat about my book and about me. I am kind of nervous about it because although she is family, we aren’t exactly close, least I don’t feel that way. Then again, even with my sisters I don’t feel “close”. Some days I feel more like an outsider than part of a family, and I live with them!

I have decided to look over the letter that I wrote to my therapist the other night. I am going to type it up and then “blog” it so she can read it and try to make sense out of it. I will send it to her, too. She like having an archive of my letters. She is a weirdo, that is for sure.