Tag: psychosis

slept awkward

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Slept awkward

I had woken up to take some more pain meds and moved my pillow but instead of taking my meds, I fell back to sleep. My neck was in an awkward position and it was hurting. Now I am up because I can’t go back to sleep and my ankle/foot is being an asshole.

It’s 0300. I took some Ativan to try and get the kink out of my neck and to go back to sleep. It’s still hot and humid in the house, but freezing in my room because of the AC. I love it. Because I am up now, I don’t think I will be leaving the house to go to the ER for an admission in three hours. I’d have to go early in the morning so I can be seen and the process begins. Last time I went though, I was still there for about 14 hours in the ER. I am feeling slightly better than I was on Friday night, but the pain is driving me nuts and I seriously thought about killing myself again. I just waited it out because there was nothing I could do. I was maxed out on my pain meds so I couldn’t take more, except the strong pain pill. I didn’t want to unless the pain didn’t go away. It did settle down after a few minutes. Sometimes it is in these bursts for some reason. It’s awful because you’re screaming in pain. And you just want to seriously die on the spot because it is so awful.

I’m going to try and change my sheets today. I wanted to do that yesterday but I got lazy. I did a lot of stairs on Saturday while going to the wake and my calf was tight. I didn’t want to aggravate it with wrestling with the sheets. I just hope I don’t sleep all day.

My sisters and nieces came home safely. I saw one sister, the one that lives on the first floor. It was so good to see my nieces. I didn’t want to let them go while hugging them. I missed them so much. The pictures were beautiful. My sis brought back some cheeses and olives. She also had a ton of little gifts. I got a dish with a wine stopper, a key chain, and a piece of lava rock from Mt. Etna. That was really cool. I am glad they had fun and saw all my cousins over there, or most of them anyway. My parents home town was very barren as there are no jobs there so my cousins are in the cities outside of there. It still is a very beautiful place. My sisters and nieces saw my father’s last surviving brother. He probably won’t survive the year because he is not eating. He lost a lot of weight since I last saw him. He has dementia. One minute he knew who my sister was and the next he didn’t. It is hard. He is close to 90. There are strong genes on both sides of the family.

Going to try and go back to sleep. Hope I am successful.

moon went hiding, stars quit shining

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Moon went hiding, stars quit shining

My new favorite song is called Hurricane by Luke Combs. I have been listening to it for most of the evening. I have been trying to distract myself from the pain in my ankle but nothing seems to help it. I just had a bowl of cereal, some granola mixed in with cocoa pebbles. It was good. After I ate, I shaved my head. I wasn’t going to but I decided to do it because I felt frisky. HEHEHE

My friend texted me and we texted for an hour or two before my meds kicked in. I fell asleep until around 0930 or so. I went to the bathroom and saw that my mother made bacon. She left me some so I ate that. Then I went back to sleep until my ankle woke me up, screaming in pain. It was a little after 12, more than 12 hours since my last pain med dose. I got up to take a pain pill and wanted a burrito. A new Mexican place had mailed out their menu and I wanted to try their burritos. Only problem was they didn’t open till 1700. So I went on Grubhub and found a place down the street from me. There are a ton of Mexican places that end of Broadway. Soon as the delivery came, my cousin called me, saying my mother had groceries. FUCK. That meant going up and down stairs. Asshole can’t be bothered with that. I had a couple bites of the burrito and then went downstairs.

There were only a few bags. I finished eating. The burrito was good, though they didn’t give me the sour cream I requested. I had some of their chips and guac, which was good. I also ordered a cake and it was good, though I don’t think I will order it again. The cake was kind of dry, even though there was condensed milk on it. I didn’t care for it.

I had to go to Walgreens to pick up a photo and my prescription. I waited as I was sweating in the kitchen as I had my lunch. I cooled off some and then was getting lazy so decided to leave before I got too lazy. The stupid app refilled another prescription, including the one that I needed/requested. I hate this feature and I don’t know how to undo it. I got some bandaids as my mother needed the ones that I have and my photo.

I came home and I was really sweating. I didn’t feel like showering so I just put cold water on my face and neck. It helped cool me down some. My things from Amazon came. I had ordered a Moleskin notebook and it was smaller than I thought it would be. I should have read the dimensions before buying it. But I still can use it.

I’m still thinking about going into the hospital tomorrow. I’ll decide in the morning, if I don’t wake up in pain.

solemn Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Solemn Saturday

I woke up before 0500 in pain. I took some pain meds and then set my alarm so I could go to the barber’s early to fix the back of my head. I fell back to sleep and when the alarm sounded. I shut it off but didn’t get up. I slept for 45 minutes and then got ready. It was already humid out and I was dreading it because I had to wear pants in this heat. I found a button down shirt in my office and grabbed a tie. I had to go to a wake after I got my haircut.

I left with time to spare and as I was at the bus stop, I pulled out my wireless headset. I should have stood up but I didn’t and one of the sides came undone. Dammit. I had to go back to the house to get my wired set. I was hoping to fix it but I couldn’t because the screw prevented me from putting it back into place and I didn’t want the wire to get undone.

The bus came and I went to the barber’s first before Starbucks. He fixed my head and trimmed the top. He cut the price as I saw him last week. I just gave him a bigger tip. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a sandwich. I still had plenty of time before the wake was supposed to happen. I was going to take the train but then I thought one of the buses in the Square would take me to the green line and I could connect to the blue line easier than going from red to orange to blue.

I was still really early by at least an hour and I just rode the train from one end of the line to the other until it was time to get off. I walked to the funeral home and the voices started harping on me like I didn’t know where I was going. I grew up in this town so was very familiar with the lay out. However, I am used to the starting point being the house I grew up in so it took me a while to get my bearings. The voices kept on doubting my judgement. I was getting so aggravated. Some stores and stuff had changed in the 25 years since I was in that area. I saw my elementary school and once I did, I knew where I was and where the street to the home would be.

I was sweating pretty good by the time I got there. My friend’s mother was appreciative that I came. I had known her when I was a teen as she did some workshop with the youth network I was involved in. I said hello to my friend and offered my condolences. I saw his wife, who was another friend of mine and said hello. I saw their beautiful daughter but she didn’t know me so I didn’t say anything to her. It was sad and my friend’s mother was very upset. I guess it wasn’t a planned death, the hardest kind. I had known my father was going to die. It was just a matter of time and so I had time to prepare. As I left I told them if they needed anything, they knew where to find me (FB).

I left and stopped at a gas station to get a bottle of water. I was so parched in the heat. By the time I got within a block of the train station, my foot exploded. Fuck and I wasn’t anywhere near home. I didn’t take any pain meds with me. I just didn’t think. So I hobbled to the station and the train came soon as I walked in. Score. The same thing happened on my connecting train home. I had to wait for the bus though. My feet were not happy.

I came home and hit the shower. I was soaked. Everything went in the hamper. I don’t think anything was dry. The shower was so refreshing. My feet didn’t like it but I didn’t care. I took some pain meds when I got up to my room. I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone on how many pills I take a day and it was 12 hours since my last dose. I waited a little bit for it to work before making something to eat. I was hungry but I wasn’t. I decided to make hot dogs rather than to order out.

After dinner, I fixed my Bluetooth headset. I was grateful it wasn’t broken and I needed to get another one. This one is pretty good with stand-by time and length of use. Only thing that sucks is that it takes a full 2 hours to charge but it’s worth it. I generally use my powered USB port so I can charge it and not have to be on the laptop to do it.

wake up tired and try again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wake up tired and try again

Voices have started while I was cleaning up after dinner. I was going to respond to them, but my mother was in the kitchen so I couldn’t. Thank god I held my tongue, which is really hard thing to do when you are hearing voices. The music was going on as well and for a minute or two, I could have sworn it was entertaining the voices.

I guess the stress of finding a lump and not knowing what it could be was more than I thought it was. I am really tired from going out to my appointment and being in pain. Now I am listening to an Eric Church song on repeat because I find it soothing and keeps the stuff in my head quiet. I can concentrate.

I emailed my psych to let her know I took a PRN of trilafon to help the voices. If that doesn’t work, I will take an Ativan. If that doesn’t work, I have her on speed dial. I don’t know if she will get the email tonight or not. For some reason my computer is slow and it’s annoying the fuck out of me. Ever since I got the new modem, my Twitter tweets haven’t been refreshing like they did before and Facebook shows the last four days of stuff instead of today.

Sox are losing right now so I am not going to follow the game. I can’t listen to it because the voices will come back. Least the cacophony of music has stopped. I like listening to just one song because it forces my brain to focus on one thing. The song I am listening to is called Mixed Drinks about Feelings. I kind of wish I had some whiskey but that is ok. I can’t drink with my pain meds anyway. It would be too dangerous, not that I am a drinker anyways. I did and still do like a shot every now and then.

My pillow is calling me so I think I will call it a night and hope that a trip to the ER doesn’t happen this weekend. I found yesterday that a childhood friend lost his father yesterday. The wake is tomorrow. I’m not sure if I will be going as it’s in my hometown and I am not sure I can walk in this heat. I will need a haircut as I fucked up my hair shaving my head. Still haven’t mastered it. I will though, one of these days.