Tag: PTSD

Finally, a diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally a diagnosis…

Since we have been talking about all the different personality disorders that I have been given the past two weeks, I decided to ask my therapist what I have. I must have one, surely. Turns out I don’t. I might have traits of borderline but I don’t fit the diagnosis. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I kind of figured I did as my symptoms do fit. Now that I know this, I am kind of relieved but also kind of not. It’s a serious diagnosis, one you don’t really recover fully from and I have been in a steady state for the last fourteen years. Some days are better than others, but pain seems to dictate my symptoms. For example, if I can’t move my toes because of temporary swelling, I will freak out and panic thinking I am going to get cauda equina syndrome (CES) again. I am in a quandary as to what to do. And calming down is extremely difficult. It makes the pain worse the more anxious I become. The swelling just happens because I have nerve damage and usually have overdone it for the day. My foot is constantly being used so the more I use it, the more pain I have, which lead me to more symptoms of flashbacks and thinking of not wanting to go there. I don’t want to have CES ever again but I have a few discs that are faulty and I am at risk of it happening, especially since one of the discs touches my nerves occasionally. I also have a constant reminder of this condition whenever my bladder leaks, which is has the past three days because of my increase in activity levels. It’s not fun. I should be wearing a diaper but my dignity is not there yet. Plus, it has been super hot and I really don’t want to wear a diaper when I am hot and sweaty.

Besides flashbacks, I also dissociate a lot when my depression is really bad. It is not clear whether I do have dissociative identity disorder, NOS or if it is a symptom of PTSD. Or it could be both. I do give my therapist a run for her money. I don’t know the whole symptomatology of the PTSD as it has been a LONG while since I last looked at the DSM and the DSM has changed so I am not sure if it is now included or not.

I think the stress over the last two weeks have finally caught up with me as I am having psychotic symptoms. I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that I have been listening to Matchbox 20 incessantly. When I am not listening to it, the music is playing in my head, very loud. I tried listening to Adele to break the monotony but it didn’t work. The voices were demanding that I play MB20. So I am back to listening to them day and night. I plan on taking some trilafon soon. I will have to take some extra stuff for the constipation that will ensue. I hate being constipated but luckily there are things I can take to make me go. Otherwise, it could be days before I go. I have to be careful with my bowel regimen because too much and I have the opposite problem, which lead to accidents. I hate them more than my bladder leaks. It’s just degrading and demoralizing. It will also set off the reminder that I had CES and I will become depressed and feel despair. It’s the one thing I can’t control, like my bladder. And it sucks.

Burning up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve done my errands for the day. Now I can take my pain meds for my ankle. I don’t have to drive anymore. Today is National Burger Day so I am thinking of ordering my favorite burger from my pizza place. It has avocados in it and I love it. But the rest of the Chinese food that I had for lunch really filled me up and the heat is making me sick. I don’t know if I could eat anything right now. Maybe later. It’s close to 90 degrees in my room. I have to bring that temp down if I am going to be comfortable. I feel like I am burning up.

I was talking with a fellow blogger today. We get a long really well. I hope the situation she is in gets better. She suffers from depression, like I do and it’s interfering with her getting well, or at least doing stuff around the house. I just want to tell her to leave it, so it doesn’t stress her out but I understand how things can pile up and then become unmanageable. I did some cleaning around my room today, which made me feel good. If the recycle bin wasn’t already overflowing, I would throw out what I have collected. It’s just old water and powerade bottles that have missed the basket. I didn’t realize I was such a bad shot until I moved stuff around so my brother in law can install the AC. Good thing I don’t play professional basketball! I’d stink like yesterday’s garbage.

Meeting with my father was interesting. He was in an aggravating mood. Damn guy just wouldn’t keep his hands to himself. Kept fake punching me or moving his papers so I couldn’t see my phone. God, he is so fucking annoying. But he needed to have his blood drawn today. I probably will get results hopefully tomorrow. I hope they are normal. Last time they were high. Before that, it was low. I give up. I just do what they tell me and then relay it in child speak to my father. 83 going on 5. Bastard is probably going to live to be 100. And why not, he has me doing all his medical stuff for him to keep him alive. I bring him to the best doctors (aside from his PCP, who is a jerk). But to him, I am just his secretary. Next week starts his other stuff that I won’t be too happy about. Every Thursday in June there is a medical appointment for him. God help me.

I really am feeling low and sick. Heat is not my friend. Since my nerve injury, I have grown intolerant to high temperatures. I hope this doesn’t mean I am stuck in my house until the heat wave is over, once the AC is in. I will venture out for my mocha. I think it’s going to be cooler next week. I hope so anyways. It’s not even June yet and it’s humid and yucky out. So shoot me if I am the first person to complain about the heat. Least there is a cool breeze now and then. I have my window open to try and air out my room and get the air circulating. I am really miserable.

I called my therapist today and asked her to answer my text about the abuse and whether I should write about it to her. She still hasn’t answered me. I hope she got the text. Both our phones have been acting up lately. My phone is having trouble answering phone calls. I ordered a new phone today. I will get my glasses next month. I need a lifeline and it is my phone. If I can’t get phone calls, what the hell is the purpose of the device? Today I was trying to call my father and the damn launcher crashed. I couldn’t do anything until it went through it’s shut down phase. Then things were alright again. It just kills me that this is happening just three years after my last upgrade. I guess the phone is only as good as the OS (operating system). I know they came out with a newer Android OS. It is on the newer phones. My cousin has the S5, which is what I will be getting. I can’t wait to use it. But it won’t come until possibly sometime over the weekend of next week. I had to order it because they didn’t have the phone in stock. It was kind of a hassle because they wanted me to “lease” the phone and I didn’t want that option. I wanted a 2yr agreement. Turns out I saved a dollar by ordering it in the store rather than online. Too funny. I complained about the customer service being not too friendly with my request. I hope that I have everything the same as I do. I know that I will be paying a little more each month with the new upgrade, but to me it’s worth it. It’s my phone and I can do what I want with it. I just hope I can do what I want with it, like putting music on it and such. The phone is going to have a 64GB external SD card so I can load my pics and music. I should probably do that tonight so I don’t have to do anything when the phone comes in. Just plug in and hope it all works!

Therapist just got back to me. I have some writing to do that is not going to pleasant. Writing about past abuse rarely is pleasant. I won’t go into graphic details because that could be triggering. And I am already a little post, PTSD with my foot. Because I couldn’t move my toes the other day, it set me off big time. My anxiety was through the roof. I just am now back to my “normal” level of heightened awareness. Plus, bruising my last toe pretty good really got me freaked out. I think I will wait a few days. I don’t have to have this done till at least Tuesday. That should give me time to think about what I want to write and stuff. I just hope it is helpful to me. I also know that I don’t have to do this. My Ativan supply is limited until I get a refill next week so I really have to think about what I want to write. Ativan is the only med that helps with my PTSD symptoms, which is mostly anxiety and overthinking. I used to really be on guard every time my foot swelled up and I couldn’t move my toes. I would think that I was getting CES again but I would have no other symptoms such as numbness, pain in the legs/back, loss of bowel/bladder, etc. But I would just go nuts and flip out. The Ativan has helped me so much that I don’t flip out as often anymore. I don’t take it all the time, just when I need it. The funny thing is, it really is just my brain on fire when the symptoms of PTSD occur. I really have to ground myself with distraction, or talking with the voices (mostly because my agitation level is up) or I have to take pain meds to quiet the pain flare. It doesn’t happen as often anymore, but when it does, I am a wreck. I have to continually tell myself it isn’t going to happen. It’s hard because the brain wants you to go crazy and you are fighting yourself with not going crazy. I hope this makes sense.

Ankle Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I love Grubhub. I just ordered dinner, as a treat to myself because I have been in pain the past few days. I have been hardly eating because it’s painful to go down the stairs. While I was downstairs washing what is left of my hair (had a haircut today), I stubbed my last toe on my good foot. It’s pretty swollen but I don’t think I broke it. I put ice immediately on it. I now have the ice pack on my bad ankle as it’s swollen too. I did too much today. I went to my doctor’s office and they screwed up my prescription for my blood pressure medication. I was supposed to get a hard copy and instead they sent it to the mail in pharmacy. I didn’t want that because it costs too much. The retail pharmacy where I filled it at was just $1.72! For a month’s supply. Last month I paid $10! I don’t get it. It is made by the same manufacturer but I don’t care. I saved big time. But while I was waiting, I had to stand for a good twenty minutes, which just aggravated my poor ankle. I came home to my foot and ankle swollen. So I am glad I have the ice on it now. I hope it will ease some of the pain, too.

I really wanted to get pad Thai and spring rolls from my favorite Thai restaurant in Boston but I didn’t want to wait around. I was already hurting and I forgot to call before I got my haircut. I love my haircut. It is a military crew cut. My mother is going to flip but I don’t care. If she says anything about being a boy, I will tell her I am one! I am tired of being the one getting hurt by the comments. She always has to snicker in these snide remarks and makes me feel like an asshole. I am not giving in to her snide remarks this time.

My day went fairly well, despite being held up by an incompetent medical assistant that can’t read. My psychiatrist had to cancel the appointment this morning so that went well for me as I didn’t have to rush around. I don’t see her till next week. I am tempted to give her an update but something keeps holding me back. I don’t know why, I have given her updates before our appointment so she knows ahead where my head is. I think it’s because I am afraid she might tell me to go to the emergency room for the pain I have been experiencing and I don’t want to do that. There is nothing they can do for me, other than to rule out a clot or something. I know I don’t have anything broken. Hell, my foot isn’t even red, despite being swollen. My little toe on my right foot hurts more than my regular pain right now. That is the toe I stubbed in the kitchen. It got snagged on one of the kitchen chairs. And it hurts big time. But with the ice, the swelling has gone down a little bit so I don’t think I broke it.

Therapy went smooth. I didn’t talk most of the session. I did bring up the abuse that has been running through my head the last few days. I just have difficulty talking about it because she keeps telling me it’s not my fault when I know that it is. If I had “listened” to my mother, I wouldn’t have been abused. It’s a long story that I don’t wish to publicize on this blog. Time ran out conveniently when we were arguing about this. She wants me to write it in my journal and I may just do that. I just wish some people on Twitter would have the decency to censor what they tweet about childhood sexual abuse. Just mentioning, triggered back memories I was happy not remembering.

It is so damn hot in my room. I need the AC in by tomorrow. This is getting ridiculous!! If I didn’t hurt my foot, I would have my brother in law install it tonight. But I can’t move the stuff I need to because I can’t stand. UGH, another night in a sweltering room. Even my sheets are hot, like they just came out of the dryer or something. I so wanted to take a shower tonight but between pain in both of my feet, that is kind of impossible. I just want to fucking scream. Sox better win tonight or I really will be an unhappy camper. They lost last night, 2-1. Buchholz got no run support, again. Story of the season, I tell ya! It sucks!!!

Therapy Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy Tuesday

I had therapy today, like I do every Tuesday. It started off with talking about my father’s appointment woes. I thought I had an appointment with his PCP this Thursday but apparently the incompetent staff forgot to put it in their calendar/scheduling. So there is no appointment this week. I am so pissed. Their next time that I can do is fucking June 30th. I have to wait another month to see this asshole. I hate this office so much. If I was still at my job, I would have found him someone at MGH so fast or at least put him on a waiting list for one. This is just ridiculous. So we discussed this in therapy for the first fifteen minutes. I was aggravated and needed to vent.

We then talked about my pain and other issues. I wanted to bring up some abuse issues but it was getting close to end of session and I don’t know where I will be tomorrow in the beginning of our session as I will be traveling home, I hope, if the bus gods agree with me. I have to finagle the bagel a little bit tomorrow. I want to get my haircut tomorrow before my psychiatrist’s appointment. My therapist inquired about what is on the agenda for tomorrow with her. I have no idea. I need a few refills and I need to pick up my prescriptions at my primary care office. I have such a busy morning tomorrow. I just hope that I fucking sleep well and not wake up at fricken 0400 like I did today. I won’t go back to sleep if I do because I will just be groggy and won’t remember all that I have to do. I should have just canceled my therapy appointment tomorrow. That would so make my life easier.

Then we talked about what I am working on with my writing. UGH, I hate this question more than being asked what my psychache is. It is because I usually don’t have anything that I am working on. This time I sort of am. I am writing a review on a research article. I am trying to make it interesting but now I am getting to the guts of the paper, like stats and stuff, that is important in a review. After I typed it all up, my brain spazzed and I lost interest. Then my perfectionism mixed in and I thought the paper was junk (what I was writing, not the article). I’m going to have to do this review in spurts when my brain isn’t so jumbled.

The last part of our conversation was about my friend that attempted suicide twice since I last talked with her. I feel really bad that she didn’t try to get in touch with me before she did it. I feel so helpless. But she did what she did and there is nothing I can do about it now but give her support as best I can.

My country radio station has an idiot DJ between 2-7. I really dislike him. He talks too much yet tries to be cool but fails miserably at it. I miss Steve Kelly and Keith Stephens. They were the evening crew and they were awesome at what they did. I was hoping I could get used to this jerk but I just can’t. I love the music so I just try and block him out while he talks.

I am feeling really depressed, which wasn’t discussed today. Sometimes I have a hard time telling my therapist this. It’s like I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to worry her more than what she is worrying. She did lose all my texts that I sent her. To make up for it, I have been texting her stupid shit, just quick updates on how I am doing and such.

It’s really hot in my room and I can’t stand it. And this is going to continue the rest of the week. I so want my AC in my room in the window but my foot is killing me. Just trying to move my toes is painful and it’s setting off panic attacks for me. It is the one thing that triggers PTSD for me. I feel like paging my psychiatrist but I am seeing her tomorrow. Most she will tell me is to take an Ativan. Heat is not helping me because it is annoying me, even though I have the ceiling fan on full blast. It is just moving the hot air in my room. I think I am going to cry. I am just so frustrated and I can’t go down the stairs to get anything. Hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I don’t think I can make the stairs. I just took a pain pill, though I don’t remember taking it. I could take another one in an hour or so. If I feel sleepy, so be it. Yesterday I had to take two pain pills and fell asleep around 1730. I woke up around 2130 to take my meds and then I stayed up till at least 0030. I remember writing in my journal around midnight and then feeling sleepy after a page or two of writing. Despite going to sleep so late, I still woke up at 0400. I hate waking up this early. I had coffee when I got up. I needed it. I should have waited until my mother left the house so I didn’t have to talk to anyone but I didn’t. Hate people trying to talk to me before I had my coffee. I don’t care what you have to say until I had at least a half cup of coffee in me. You would think my mother would know this by now but she is oblivious. To her, I am just grumpy and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. GGRRRR. So annoying!!