Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Others have anxiety, I become psychotic

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

My sister and niece took me out for breakfast this morning. It was a very cool day. We got to the restaurant and these two guys were competing to be heard in the noisy atmosphere. I thought I was going to go nuts. Well I did. Loud noises make the voices come out more than anything and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. While others would get nervous or have anxiety over that kind of stuff, I become psychotic. Lucky they were just finishing up their breakfast and they left a little while after we were waiting for our food. I was grateful for them to leave.

My day started early. I emailed my writing partner around 7 am to let her know I was editing my book. I guess it kind of frazzled me as I realized a whole couple of sections were missing from the printed manuscript I had and the edited version of my document. I was freaking out. Sure enough I had deleted so I panicked. I had to get the original version of my file to copy and paste what I really wanted in the edited version. I was beyond frustrated and have decided to go with an editor. I found one on Facebook and she is reasonably price. I talked with her today and is going to charge me only $250 for my book, where I was looking at other editing services it was 10 times that amount. I think I am getting a good deal. But then this is my first book, I have no clue what I am doing or even if this book makes sense. I have not made a table of contents yet, nor have a solid introduction or forward or something like that. I was hoping to get this published the end of November but it will take me some time to get the money for the editor and the editor can’t take me right away anyway. She has told me that she can’t get to my work until a “few months”. She posts on FB every day that she is working on her projects with other authors and I guess her business is booming from the sound of things. And she did cut me a deal as her normal charge was $350 (USD) for less than 100K words. I just hope I get my money’s worth. This is my baby and I will be trusting it to a complete stranger.

So today I spent a good few hours surrounded by my manuscript pages trying to put it back together. I was frazzled, which did me no good with the psychosis already looming in the back of my head. But I didn’t need a PRN (take as needed) medication. I handled the situation ok. I think what might have helped is taking a Benadryl earlier in the day for my stinking allergies. They are so bad that right now my left eye is swollen. I have been using eye drops and Benadryl and that seems to be helping. It has not been as sore as it was last night. It really freaked me out as I normally don’t get allergies that bad. And of course, my eye doctor is in Brazil and I can’t seem him for another week or so.

The only scary thing when I take the Benadryl is I am afraid of overdosing on it. I bought like a huge bottle to do the deed a few years ago and these capsule are small enough to take a large dose. Course now they are expired times four years ago but I still hold on to it because I don’t really believe that medication expires. I believe they might lose their effectiveness over time but they don’t stop working completely. I know I should just toss them out to the medication dump or something. I am no longer suicidal, or going with that method anymore. But I just can’t seem to get rid of them. And I need to have a couple of Benadryl around me anyways because of these stupid allergies. My regular Allegra doesn’t seem to work since it became over the counter. It says that it is the same stuff but I don’t believe it really is. Otherwise, it should have worked as I have been taking it while I was in the hospital and out of the hospital. I take it every night. But the Benadryl seems to be working more than the Allegra. I guess always trust the older medication than the newer.

I have been up since very early this morning. I had another weird dream where I was at my old job and I had to return library books. But when I got there to pick up the books they also handed me a ton of paperwork that I had accumulated since my absence from work. Very weird dreams I have been having.

I didn’t go out for coffee today. I had coffee at the restaurant when I had breakfast. I thought of going to Starbucks when I got home but I didn’t feel like it. I was already dressed and stuff but I just didn’t feel like taking a bus to the square. My niece is funny as she came in yesterday and said it was her Starbucks! She felt like I had invaded her private space or something…too funny.

Paranoid troubles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having a facial migraine all day. One side of my face is numb and tingling. I have had them before. They usually are caused by bright sunny days and being overtired. I have been up since very early this morning. I wanted to get my editing done on my book and get to Starbucks early to get a seat. I got there around eight-thirty this morning as I was up at seven. I got the migraine when I came home. I guess I am stressing about this book a little bit.

I’m getting tied up in the details and when I asked a friend about quoting she said it’s different than quoting for a paper or article. CRAP. I have to find out if I can use this information with consent or half my book goes bye-bye. Not helping my migraine today.

Then today as I was looking for my migraine medicine, I realized I have two packages of old birth control patches that I am never going to use. I called the pharmacy to find out what to do with them and they tell me to call my city for medication dump. Well, it’s too late now to call. I was annoyed because I was on hold for like five minutes but it felt longer than that because of this damn migraine. I just feel pressure all around me and I just can’t get a hold of myself. I hate feeling out of control. I don’t know what effect the migraine med and my anti-psychotic pill will have so I don’t want to mix the two right now. I just have to ride it out and I can’t tolerate it. I feel like I am being pulled into different directions. It’s not even eight o’clock yet and I am ready for bed, which I might do but am afraid I will wake up early in the morning again, but this time at two or three o’clock. I can’t win no matter how hard I try with sleep. My days of sleeping for more than 7 hrs straight are over.

It’s a terrible feeling being watched by an unknown entity. Thankfully the voices aren’t chiming in with banter or I would really be losing it. Not that I would harm myself, just feel like I need to be back in the hospital again or something for fear of losing control. Maybe this book is just too much for me. I am starting to have second thoughts about it. I already feel like it will suck anyways. My therapist keeps trying to tell me that my book will be good like my blog is but my blog is different. I can write what I want to without being censored, per se. And I can quote pretty well to promote that things are not my ideas, least I hope that comes across. Maybe I am just worrying about nothing. My friend wants me to contact my idol about his stuff and the Aeschi model that I wrote. I just have to find it and make it in a document that is readable to him and pray he has time to read it and consent and then me not have a heart attack if he says yea or nay. This is the big leagues and I don’t want to fuck up on my first book. I would be utterly devastated if I got sued or something for what I wrote. I am like totally paranoid, and possibly with good reason. I wish I had my therapy appointment tomorrow but I don’t. I had to cancel because I am seeing my PCP. My monthly pain management appointment. I know he just is going to comment about my weight again. I put on a few pounds while I was in the hospital, I know I did. I haven’t weighed myself because I am too scared. I hate myself for it but sometimes I have no control over my eating. I sometimes eat when I feel it and other times I don’t eat at all because I have no appetite. Such is the struggle with depression. You would think a medical professional would know this but they don’t. They just want you in their set guidelines of a healthy weight, which is ridiculous. Technically I should be 125, at the most, and I haven’t weighed that much since high school. Medication is to blame and my back and ankle issues. It’s hard to exercise when it hurts. I try to push through it but it always backfires on me. Like today after I came home, my sister asked me to pick up my niece. It was a good walk from my house and now I am hurting because of the hills in my area. I don’t do inclinations too well with my bad ankle and there was no other way to get to my house without going downhill, unless I wanted to walk another three blocks or so. I know I shouldn’t be complaining because other people have it worse than I do with CES. But being in chronic pain every day changes you. For two and half years I have had pain nearly every single day, all day on some level. It gets worse at night, part of the reason I wake up in the middle of the night. My doctor calls this “inactivity” while I call it trying to sleep!! Sometimes I really think he doesn’t get it when he says he does. Did I also mention that he stresses me out going to see him? I never know what new thing he will come up with about my ankle pain or what kind of doctor he will refer me to next. I won’t go. I am tired of seeing new doctors and they always tell me the same thing, nothing is wrong with my foot or they don’t know why I am having pain as there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle. I have seen them all and I am DONE. I just want my pain medication and just send me on my merry way. The end.

stress and psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide

This was the first day that I have been out of the hospital. It was nice. I got to meet with my psychiatrist and we went over my medication plan. She doesn’t want me taking too much trilafon for a long period of time and I told her soon as I stabilize on the abilify, I should be able to come off it. So far today, I haven’t needed it so I am hoping that is a good sign.

I went to Starbucks today and typed out my admission experiences. I filled in where I felt I needed to. I thought it was cool to write it down but didn’t expect it to be so long, so I am sorry about that.

It feels so good to be back in my own bed, take my meds when I want to rather than on a schedule and also to have my pain meds when I need them. I flared up my pain over the last few days because I did too much. My ankle is pretty swollen and hurts really bad so I am hoping to stay in the house tomorrow and do nothing except edit my book, least the few pages that I have already done so. I feel that I need to get going or this thing is never going to get published.

I am glad the fog has lifted enough for me to write this blog. It was so painfully difficult to write while I was in the hospital because my head was out in outer space. The few lucid moments I had was when I was writing my experiences or writing to my therapist. I honestly have no clue what I wrote to her.

This hospitalization was a scary one. I have never felt unsafe on the unit before. Usually it is my safe haven. But the paranoia kind of got out of control and things went from bad to worse with in a few hours. I was needed more support than I ever did during this admission. I never was so scared before as I was this time. I hope that I never become as psychotic again. I told my psychiatrist today that I don’t want to mess with the abilify dose at all anymore. I can’t afford a melt down when the dose is lower. She agreed with me. I also have to work on my stress levels. I can’t get overwhelmed too much because it always causes havoc in my life. No matter how insignificant it might seem, I always become psychotic when a little stress enters my life. This book is a big deal to me and I know it is stressful but I have to take it in spurts and not do it all at once or I will end up back in the hospital. The sad part is that not too many staff knew about psychosis and so I wasn’t treated properly. They wanted me to use grounding skills, like if I was having flashbacks or other trauma symptoms. Psychosis is not a trauma symptom. It is its own illness and the staff didn’t get it. My treatment team did for the most part but the nursing staff could use a little more training. I should have written that as part of the exit interview thing I had to fill out before being discharged.

I did have a good staff member that did understand. She wants a copy of my book so I will send it to her when it gets published. So far she is the only one that seemed interested in my work. I had a few patients that were interested so I gave them the website to my blog as there will be information as it becomes available for it. I am hoping to get it done within a month or by the end of the year. It all depends on how quickly I can go through the editing process and have at least two people read it to make sure there aren’t horrible grammatical errors or repeats in information.

I still can’t believe how much I was doped up while in the hospital. But it was a good thing. I didn’t harm myself or barricade myself while I was there. I did try to manage what I was eating but that was difficult. I did go to bed after I took my meds because my day always started off early and most nights I was there I woke up around 330 in pain. I am so glad I can take my pain meds now and not have to bother anyone with it or tell them my scale of how bad it hurts. I can just pop two pills and be done with it. I do have to find another flavor or powerade or Gatorade though. The ones that I have been using suck after the first sip. My taste buds have been awful lately. Nothing really tastes good. Even the coffee and donuts I was eating today was terrible. I know part of the reason is because I am still depressed. I just hope this phase passes soon. This is the first depression in which my taste buds are affected.

hospital admission 10-2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My hospital admission 10-2013

Day 1:

Lost a few blog followers today. Kind of sad about this. But I know there are days where I can get as many as 5 new followers in a day so I am not worried. I just have to wait for that day. I haven’t had much sleep in the last 36 hours. I had a late admission to the hospital and didn’t get transferred till 4 am. To say that I am tired is an understatement. Hope to get some sleep tonight.

Day 2:

Woke up in a grumpy mood and the first thing they tell me is they need vital signs. I wait where I am supposed to. This idiot student person takes them and almost gags me with the fricken thermometer. I am not happy. No sooner had I had breakfast of sausages, another MHC (Mental Health Counselor) asks if I had vitals. I say yes and she acts like she doesn’t believe me as she then asks who took them. Fuck you.I wanted to scream at them.

I’m in my “corner” of the hospital that is vacant at the moment where I won’t be bothered.
No med changes have happened yet. Wish they would. I just want to leave even though I just got here. I don’t care anymore. I am already sick of the routine already.

Hope I don’t have any meds this morning . Unless the MD fucked up again. He changed my abilify instead of the Ativan order. I wouldn’t mind an Ativan right now.
Just had a check in with the MHC. Told her I was grumpy and paranoid. She wanted a student to sit in on our conversation but I wasn’t up for it.

I got my morning meds. It was my anti-inflammatory medication. Guess they don’t have my extended release form so I will be taking it three times a day.
JACHO just removed my space. I am not happy about this. Hope that when they are done the space is back. Still have not met with any member of my treatment team yet. Lunch will be here soon. I am getting hungry.

I just listened to some music in my room. My tablet doesn’t have any playlists yet so I am just shuffling all the songs. I am still in a grumpy paranoid mood. My fricken wristband that you have to wear is too tight on me but they need to scan it to give you meds so I am stuck with it.

Just got kicked out of the kitchen because they need to clean it. Today is just a pissa of a day. I should have just stayed in my room.

1300: Starting to feel wicked agitated. Told staff and they had me write out my feelings. Then I got asked if I wanted to go to a dissociation group that is invitation only. Wonderful. I feel like flipping out and they want me to go to group. Wish I was home. I could take an Ativan and lock myself in my room and just zonk out. Urges to cut are strong today. I can’t stand listening to the voices in my head telling me to cut anymore. I am thinking about drawing marks on my wrist with my red pen. I don’t think that will fly too well. Fricken group starts in like 5 mins. Meds are starting to kick in and writing has helped a little but anyways. Going to write my therapist a letter.

Day 3:

Had a sucky day. Night before had a lot of noise going on in my head. I didn’t feel safe even though I usually feel safe while on the unit. Felt paranoid most of the day.

Day4:

Woke up early today. Had breakfast and coffee. It wasn’t Starbucks but it isn’t acid either. I’m still feeling paranoid. Can’t believe that I’ve had to see my contact person twice in a shift. That almost never happens. But I guess I just needed extra support today. I changed my birth name on the unit to my initials. I couldn’t take seeing my name postered around the unit anymore. This is the start of a holiday weekend. Just lovely. They had therapy group today but I could only stay a few minutes. Voices kept making fun of everyone in the room and I couldn’t take it anymore. My hospital band keeps digging into me. It is very annoying I got a few friends on the unit. Last time I met someone that we did keep in touch, least on FB. We kind of drifted apart but still say hi every now and then.

I don’t expect any visitors this weekend. I am still not sure how I am getting home. It worries me because I know that I have to take a shuttle, a bus, a train, and then another bus to get home. I am looking at at least a 3 hour commute. But I don’t want to worry about that now. I’ll worry about that closer to discharge.

Every night since I have been here I have woken up early and needed pain meds. I have them every 6 hours as needed. I really want to rip this medical band off. It’s starting to dig into and activate my urges to cut. Every time I come here some alarm goes off. Granted the first time I was here it was kind of my fault. A suicidal patient put a bagel in the microwave for twenty minutes and left it. We had to evacuate the floor. We were the only two laughing our heads off. After that we weren’t allow together anymore. She tried to kill herself at least two times on the unit. It was sad. I never knew if she made it.

Talked with my mother today about general stuff. I didn’t ask who she told I was in the hospital. I really don’t care at this point. Noise finally stopped. Hope it stays that way. The noise/alarm was telling me to die.

I took a two hour nap today. Hope it doesn’t affect my night time sleep.

Day 5:

Woke up after having an almost solid eight hours of sleep, which is hard to do usually in the hospital because of checks. Just had a check in with my contact person. A contact person is someone you talk about your day with, go over your goals for the day, go over any problems, etc. I like my contact person. She seems to be the only one that gets psychosis.

I can’t really say I am having a good morning. My Sox lost last night. I couldn’t bear watching the game last night because Lester wasn’t on his game. Hope today they have better luck. But if they don’t swing the bat, it’s going to be hard getting runs.

Just had breakfast. Tea with some banana muffins. I don’t usually like banana muffins but these are mini so they aren’t that bad. This is what is usual for weekend breakfast. They serve like a continental breakfast.

I hate waking up so early. It’s going to be a long day.

Day 6:

Felt sleep and psychotic most of the day. Then I kind of lost it tonight as I felt scared and wanted to barricade myself in my room. I told a staff member before I did anything as I didn’t feel safe. I just feel really scared because the normal voices aren’t there anymore. The contact person had me take my meds early and see if that helped. I’m back in my room. I wish one of the roommates would come in so I don’t feel like blocking them out. Also had delusions of the staff cutting my arm with the blood pressure cuff.

My friend thinks this is a grief reaction to my transgender issues. But I don’t think so. I think it’s just the pressure of getting my first book done has just messed with me. I think if I was working or had a job this probably wouldn’t have happened. Any time I get stressed, I become psychotic.

I need a pain pill but I can’t get one until 12 or so. I hate having to wait around for stupid schedules. I hope tomorrow is better. I really want to feel safe. What set me off tonight is that on of my normal voices is gone temporarily. The medication got rid of most of my voices, good and bad. Now I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s very lonely in head right now and I don’t like it. It’s a very weird feeling. Also another patient had physical contact with me today that set me off. She touched my arm and it just made me feel really paranoid. I know she didn’t mean to do it and I told it not to touch me. This is after she told me that I looked like her dying sister.

Day 7

I’m kind of pissed. I had a rough weekend and now they are talking about discharging me. WTF. I am not feeling too stable but if they push the issue, I will go home. I rather sleep in my own bed anyways. But the weird thing is that the staff told me this like I accomplished some kind of goal or something. I am wicked pissed. I am not really feeling safe to be home yet. Last night I was so scared I almost barricaded myself in my room. But whatever. It is what they perceive it to be. I hate day shift. I really do. Always have.

Not really hungry today. But I forced myself to have a bowl of cereal and made myself a cup of tea. Tea was better than the cereal.

I hope I will be able to go home by T ok. I’ll ask my sister if she can pick me up but if she doesn’t, I’ll just have to go by T (public transportation). It’s a cool day today so I hope what I brought to wear will be warm enough.

I talked to my treatment team and they are not discharging me because I had a rough weekend. I feel relieved.

Day 8:

Went on fresh air break, where we walk around the grounds of the hospital for a little bit. It was good to get outside. I haven’t felt like writing much today. My brain feels foggy. I had two cups of strong tea and I am still sleepy. I guess the Ativan is kicking my butt. My plan of taking my pain meds with my night time meds hasn’t worked. I still woke up at 03:30 in pain. I hate not being able to take my pain meds like I do at home. Two pills seem to work better than one. I will hopefully be discharged tomorrow. I think that I will be taking the T tomorrow as no one can pick me up. I am already dreading the commute. I’ll make sure my headphones are charged so I can at least listen to music during the commute.

I wrote my therapist another letter. She loves getting them. I talked to her yesterday and she was so excited, the weirdo. It was funny.

The paranoia and voices seem to be less today. I am jut really tired because I woke up again at 3:30 and then again at 08:30. I tried to nap during the day but it was unsuccessful. I have a new roommate and she reminds me of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter. Only difference is that she doesn’t have blonde hair.