Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Off Track

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Off Track

It’s only been day 4 of my diet and I am not doing well. I was craving pastrami and fries after my nap today. I gave in. I couldn’t bear to drink another shake. I should have bought different flavors rather than the same one. It’s getting old very quickly. Tomorrow I see my psych so I am not sure how the diet will go then. It’s going to be challenging because in the evening, my sisters are having a birthday party for my mother and niece and that means cake. I am a cake addict so it’s going to be difficult to resist the temptation.

Because I had to take another strong pain pill last night to get relief, I was waking up every few hours. I am exhausted today. I wanted to go to the post office to mail my books out but after I took a shower, my energy went down and I needed to nap. Then I didn’t want to do anything after the nap. I still feel like I can go to sleep.

I emailed my psych twice last night. One was to send her the blog I wrote and the second one was to basically bitch about the pain I was in. If I said more than that, I don’t remember. She didn’t respond to the email and she didn’t call me so I guess it wasn’t that dire. I gave in and texted my therapist to see if she had any times available today. I just feel like I need to talk to someone, someone that understands chronic pain that I go through. I had sent a message to my support group that I was just looking for someone to listen and not really give advice. What I got was advice. Did you take this or that? I got very annoyed. Not even my support group understands my pain syndrome.

There was a bank robbery in the town over from mine. They think the guy fled to my town. I am hearing helicopters so they must be searching for him. He escaped from prison. We are told he isn’t dangerous but you never know. People will do things in desperate situations. I hope they catch him. HOLY SHIT! They caught the guy near my street! Glad he is in custody. They caught him as he was trying to rob another bank a block from my house. Mass State Police has him now.

My migraine is back and the noise from the helicopter is not helping. I am getting agitated and more annoyed. It’s not helping my headache. And I can’t sleep. It’s probably some damn news helicopter. Assholes.

I’m in a bad mood again. I was feeling okay this morning but during the afternoon my mood went from good to bad. Pain isn’t helping. It’s just making me feel hopeless. I try not to let it get to me but every day I have the same pain or a different kind of pain and I can’t do anything about it. I have to take several meds to control it, which mess up my bowels. I haven’t gone in the last three days because I had to take my strong pain pill each day. Even going pee is trouble some because I just retain the urine. It takes a few minutes for the flow to start because of my nerve injury. It’s troubling me because I know if I bring up these side effects, I might not be prescribed the meds anymore, which would be terrible. The benefits out weigh the side effects.

I just took some ibuprofen for my damn headache. I think the helicopters are going to be in the area a while. What they can see in the air is anybody’s guess. They probably won’t have a news conference for another half hour or so. I am glad I don’t have to be near the area where the barracks are. That place must be swamped with news vehicles, making the evening commute a joke. Having your ankle and head hurt at the same time really sucks.

I have three cases of the protein drinks that I like. I have half of the ones I don’t. I usually just have one of them a day. I foolishly bought three boxes of protein bars. I like them and they come in handy when you are hungry but don’t want to make something to eat. Each box has six bars in it. Before the diet, I bought a box to try them out and kind of almost ate a bar each day so I had to buy more. They are really good. Maybe I will take some protein bars with me tomorrow to stave off hunger so I don’t cheat.

A day gone to hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A day gone to hell

I woke up not feeling good. I was a little nauseous after dealing with the stupid phone company to turn my phone back on. I then had a shake, thinking it was because I was hungry but the shake just made the nausea worse. I figure I would skip the diet today and have real food. I went to Starbucks and had a breakfast sandwich and my espresso. I started to feel dizzy and then sick so I waited for the next bus to come before heading home. The dizziness got worse on the ride home. I knew I was in trouble.

I got home and there were packages on my door. They were heavy and I knew I couldn’t carry them up the stairs without passing out so I took them in the house and then went upstairs. My mother was in the middle of a coughing fit and needed water. I quickly got her some. The dizziness was coming and going. I needed to go to my room and relax. I made it up the stairs without incident and then took some meds and laid down. All this did was set off my ankle pain. So in addition to my head ready to explode, my ankle bone was being pounded by an imaginary hammer. I took some pain meds and prayed for death at this point.

The migraine went away but then I was left with a residual headache. Took some Excedrin for that and I still don’t have relief but at least I can tolerate light. I also took some more Zofran as my stomach was still queasy. It’s quieting down but I still feel sick. I don’t want my ankle to act up again so I am just lying still and praying the pain goes away and that the pain meds don’t make me sicker than what I am.

All of this is not helping my suicidality. I wish there was a way for me to get arsenic pills or hemlock. That would be easier than the unknown of taking a bunch of pills and praying for death that may not come. I never should have gotten rid of the lethal meds I had in my possession at one point. I thought my suicidality would be over with once my pain meds were increased and I had adequate coverage every month. Stupid me for thinking that. Bargaining is my worse enemy. I don’t know why I bother hoping for things anymore when I know things are going to be the same or worse than what they are.

I can’t stand being in chronic pain anymore. And if my doc decides to prescribe me the extended release medication I would like, I have to finagle the bagel to afford it for a few months. That is if I want to live that long. I wanted to send a letter to my psychiatrist about my plans. But I am scared she might flip out on me. I see her Friday. I can try and talk about it then. I won’t bother telling my therapist because she won’t be my therapist that much longer.

I took an Ativan so my PTSD doesn’t flare up on me with all this pain. I’m already starting to feel anxious, which isn’t doing me any favors. I am glad I didn’t finish my coffee. I keep burping it up. I hope I don’t puke. But I need to lie down before my head explodes or I just pass out from my pain meds. I need sleep. But I am scared my ankle pain will increase once I lie down. Such a dilemma. I really don’t want the imaginary hammer to come back, pounding on my ankle bone. That wasn’t pleasant. It literally took the breath out of me it hurt so bad. Such is this stupid pain syndrome without a name.

day 1 of dieting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Day 1 of dieting

The day is going fairly well. I had my first two shakes for breakfast and lunch. I am keeping track of my calories with my fitness pal app. I did cheat a little by having a few strips of bacon that my mother made this morning. I didn’t want them to go to waste.

I took a shower and immediately felt exhausted. I don’t know why it can either make me tired or woken up. Today it was the latter. I am really trying to stick with the diet today. I have three more shakes to drink. I had to take my pain meds because prior to taking my shower, my foot started hurting like a bitch. I waited for it to work a little before I took my shower.

I’m still without a phone. I should have it turned on tomorrow. If not, I am going to go ballistic. I want my damn phone dammit! I swear I am never doing this again. It’s just torture to have a phone and no one can turn it off but the jerks at the insurance company until they confirm the replacement phone has been received. So ridiculous.

Shake three has been drunk. I think I like the Orgain drinks better than the Pure Protein. I also find them more filling. I have 530 calories left for the day so I am doing good. I had to have something solid so I had a yogurt and some fresh pineapple. I have no idea where the pineapple came from but it was good. I love pineapple but I can’t eat too much because the roof of my mouth will become raw. I found that out the hard way. The nice thing about this diet is that I don’t feel bloated like I thought I would. I am keeping up with hydration with a bottle of water after each shake. My kidneys are going to be in shock because I hardly drink any water except for when I am really thirsty. I mostly drink Powerade. But I am only drinking that when I take my meds. I can’t take my meds and drink water because it’s just gross.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night as I couldn’t sleep because of pain. I was afraid of lying down and having the pain increase. It sometimes happens. I knew it was my PTSD flaring up so I took an Ativan to calm down. As we were talking, I was telling her my plan. She said she did what I wanted to do and obviously survived. That just threw a wrench in my works. Now I got to come up with some other plan. Fuck. I am not happy.

No one has bought my new book yet. I haven’t been promoting like I did my first book. That is the hard part of self-publishing, you have to do the promoting. It’s hard because I am in pain all the time or just depressed. Plus you can only say the same things over and over until you get tired of them. And all you’re really saying is “buy my damn book”. I thought my second book would sell better because it isn’t so dark, but then it hasn’t been out a week yet. I am going to place some tweets out today if I can figure out what to say.

My therapist is back in the office tomorrow. I hope my phone is turned back on so I can text her. I really missed texting her. I know it’s going to be hard when we no longer see one another. I got a Zipcar so I can see her next week for our session. I hope it’s not too emotional because I really don’t want to cry and drive. That would not be good because I have a long way to drive.

The pain demon has struck again. My damn foot exploded a little while ago. All I did today was empty the recycles. I have been in my room the majority of the time, only leaving to get a protein drink or go to the bathroom. Maybe the shower was too much. But that was hours ago. I don’t know what flares up my pain anymore. I have given up trying to figure it out because what causes me pain today won’t tomorrow. I just don’t fucking get it. It is so annoying. Now my pain meds are making me sleepy again. Doesn’t help that I turned off the ceiling fan so my room is a sauna again. My indoor thermometer needs new batteries. I was going to get them but why bother. I am only going to be around for a month or so. I can’t imagine going on longer than that. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I have had enough. I quit. Strike three has been called and I’m out.

New Year’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Day 2017

I woke up in pain and it immediately put me in a bad mood. I took some meds and checked my messages on my phone. Mostly they were emails and some FB messages as my phone is still off. It’s so frustrating. I have to wait two more days for my phone to be turned on. After I checked my messages I went back to sleep. It was difficult because my loud mouth sister came up to wish my mother a Happy New Year. Then she kept calling me through the What’s up app, which I couldn’t figure out how to answer the call. It kept giving me some kind of stupid message and I don’t understand it. She’ll have to give me a tutorial before she leaves for her trip.

I went back to sleep and thought it was only a few hours I slept. It was more than that. I woke up around 1400. So much for want to do something today. I reheated some Chinese food as I need to eat as much as I can. Tomorrow I am going on a diet and I can’t eat the stuff. I was hungry so I finished the orange chicken and a bowl of rice. Then an hour later I had some more rice. I am full now.

I found out that my friend’s step dad was taken off life support. I wish him a peaceful passing. He was a great guy. I am going to miss him.

Last night as I was in mad crazy pain and couldn’t sleep, I wrote my psychiatrist an email but I wrote it in word doc first. I didn’t send it because if she tried calling me, she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me. That wouldn’t be good. I basically was honest with her about how I planned on ending my life some time soon. I don’t know how she is going to take this news but we’ll see. Probably not good. I read the last bit of it as I sent it to a friend to read over and I didn’t like the ending so I need to change it. It’s a work in progress and I have time to change it. I see her this Friday so I can bring the letter with me as there is no guarantee that she will read the email before I see her.

I’m not going to let my therapist know of my plans. We are ending and there is no point. I will see her next week and will hash things out. My feelings on the matter haven’t changed. I am going to miss her. I still can’t believe we are over. She will be my last therapist. I have made the decision not to continue with anyone else. It’s just too painful to be talking with someone and then it not work out. She was a great supporter in the things that I did. I just wish she was more of a therapist than a friend.