Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Rest Stop

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, disability, mood disorders

Rest Stop

This song has been in my head the past few days. It’s a song by Matchbox20.

I got notification of my grocery delivery won’t be delivered until after 2000. Sucks. I hate late deliveries. I just hope that I won’t be too tired. I made coffee today so I didn’t go out. It’s hot out anyways. There is a cloudy overcast so it’s not really sunny but it’s not cloudy either but it’s really bright. I hate bright days.

I listened/watched the ballgame that was playing. We lost 2-1. I was bullshit because if they didn’t have bad base running, we probably would have gone to extra innings. But the bats were silent so we didn’t get shit and lost the game.

Last night I was in a tough spot. Voices were driving me up a damn wall and so I reached out to a friend on Twitter. He shared with me a song called Topeka by Ludo and it really resonated with me so I bought the single. I thought about buying the album because I really liked the music but then I didn’t know too much about the group and if the rest of the songs sucked, I would be out money. It happens sometimes that there is on good song on an album and then the rest suck and then you are stuck with the rest of the CD. Happened to me more times and I just learned to pick and choose.

I was kind of suicidal last night. Pain was a huge factor. I had got all nice and cozy in bed when my ankle said fuck you, you aren’t sleeping. I took my pain meds like two hours before hand so I couldn’t take anymore, unless I wanted to take my strong pain pill. I didn’t want to because my bowels have been so messed up all week and I am just getting them back on track. So I bitched on Twitter my low mood and was cursing the world about my pain. I swear if it wasn’t after 2200, I probably would have gone to my spot and tried to kill myself last night. I swear I am getting closer and closer to doing it. I wrote to my therapist and told her she was basically useless in trying to stop me this time. And there is no stopping me this time. I told her I would understand if she didn’t want to see me anymore. It would hurt but she will be better off in the end.

Another song that keeps coming to my head is Daughtry’s song “No Surprise”. I really have to make an effort in there being no surprise that I kill myself. That is why I am working on the explanations of dying. I still have time, I think. I knew I would wake up in a better mood so I didn’t bother to email my psychiatrist. I was planning on paging her today about the trilafon situation. I am going to run out some time next week if she doesn’t call in another script and there is no way I can refill the script the way it is written. It would be too soon. I am so frustrated.

I need to change my stupid sheets this weekend. It’s always such a hassle because stuff accumulates on my bed and I have to take the shit off to change the bedding. I hate changing the sheets because I always hurt my back and it takes a day or two to recover. Last time it went fairly well because I was quick. But this time I need to wash the comforter so I need to place a blanket in it’s place until it’s washed and dried. Not my favorite chore to do.

Yesterday as I was feeling frivolous, I bought a membership to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. There is a Frida Kahlo exhibit coming up in the middle of Sept that I really want to see. It might take me a few visits to see everything because of my leg/ankle. I didn’t want to have to keep spending $25 a pop per visit so I figured a membership would do the trick. Plus it’s good for at least a year and I can go see other exhibits. My favorite ones are the Egyptians. I haven’t been to the museum in years. I remember the last time I was there, I got lost trying to get out. It must have taken me an hour walking around before I found the exit. That was before my back surgeries. I really miss walking around places. Don’t take it for granted. You never know when it’s going to be taken from you.

Shopping, Haircut and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I ordered my groceries and paid my bills this morning. It was too early to go to Starbucks so I just tried to sleep. Then my sister called me saying that my mother had gone shopping and would I help bring the stuff in. So I went downstairs and carried the bags up. She bought some of the same things I bought so I took them off my list. By the time I helped put the groceries away and stuff, I missed the bus I wanted to take so had to wait another hour.

I tried to take a nap but it was useless. I wasn’t tired after all the activity. I played on the laptop and then before I knew it, it was time to get dressed and catch the bus. Luckily Starbucks wasn’t crowded. I wanted espresso over ice but instead ordered a cold brew. It was watered down so much that it didn’t even taste like coffee. I was disappointed. Next time I will get the espresso. I wrote in my journal for a little while and then got my haircut.

I was going to get my T-pass for the month but it was close to the next bus leaving for home so I will do that tomorrow. My mother wanted me to go to Walgreens to get her stamps. If she had called me earlier, I would have gone to the post office. I don’t know why she likes Walgreens over the post office. It’s the same stamps at the same price. Doesn’t make sense to me.

On the way home as I got off the bus, my ankle kinked up on me. I had my cane with me so I didn’t have to drag it along for the next few blocks. I am reluctantly carrying it with me even on days that I am not hurting because I just don’t know what will set it off. Better safe than sorry. On the last block that I hate walking down, there were two bookcases that I so wanted to grab but there was no way I could carry one of them down the street, let alone two. They would have been perfect for my room and best of all, they were free.

I came home empty handed and took a shower. I wanted to get the excess hair off my head and shoulders from the haircut. My ankle didn’t like it but I needed one. I thought about shaving but I didn’t want to aggravate my ankle more than it already was. My mother was cooking dinner so I just had to wait for the food to be done. I was sweating when I got out of the shower even though I used cool water. It’s kind of warm today. I just went upstairs and cooled off in my room. I also wanted to give the pain meds some chance of working before going back down the stairs for supper.

I’ve had a long day and I am tired. I am trying to stay up to at least hear the game but I don’t know if I will be too successful. We won last night and are still tied for first place because the stinking Blue Jays won as well. I want first all to ourselves so I hope the Jays lose tonight.

Mixed Messages

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Mixed messages

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight. I told her the deal with the trilafon and I realized that my psychiatrist is giving me mixed messages. She is okay with me taking up to 8 mg of trilafon a day but yet she is only giving me 4 mg a day scripts. I have 30 pills to play with. Some days I need 12 mg and I have told her this. I don’t know what to do.

The voices are telling me, of course, not to take anything. Fat chance of that happening. I take it when they are not “looking”. Today I was having musical hallucinations so I had to take something. 4 mg just doesn’t hold me the whole day anymore. It never really did. 8 mg is the magic number. I know that she is hesitant to put me on a higher dose because of side effects. Trilafon can give you nasty side effects worse than the 2nd generation anti-psychotics. But I never had those side effects while taking it. Granted, I have never taken the drug longer than a month at a time and my psychiatrist is being really careful with me. For the first time in over 20 years she did a mini neuro exam while I was in the office, checking for tics and TD and stuff.

I just need more pills so I am not anxious about running out of meds. I am good right now because I just filled my script but in a week or so, I am going to be running low. I don’t see her for three weeks and I have approximately two weeks of meds. That isn’t going to stretch.

I have never been good at asking what I need. It’s easier for me to write an email than it will be to page her and tell her what I need over the phone. Trouble is that sometimes she doesn’t answer the emails right away and there is no way for me to know if she read it at all. Least with me talking to her on the phone, I can get an answer right then and there. But it’s hard for me to say that I need more pills. I don’t know why that is but it is. I feel like I am asking too much. But in reality, I know that I am not. I wish I wasn’t in the predicament. If my doc had just written the script for twice a day, I would be set and wouldn’t be in the conundrum.

Another Two Errand Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Two Errand Day

I was watching my niece for most of the day while my sister went to the beach. My niece didn’t want to go. I had to mail my disability paperwork and pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. My niece didn’t want to walk with me so I went by myself. My ankle didn’t want to go either but it had no choice. I was pretty sore when I came home. I didn’t want to go up two flights of stairs to get a pain pill as I was sweating and I knew that exertion would cause me to sweat more. So I dried off and then sat on my sister’s bed with the fan going as I didn’t want to turn on the AC as every window in the house was open.

Last night I wrote a very depressing letter to my therapist, basically telling her I was going to kill myself and she should let me go, that there is no point in continuing sessions. I really don’t want to resume therapy next week when she is back. I was talking with someone in a Facebook group about this and apparently, we both feel the same when our therapists go on vacation. She didn’t know my background though or that I was planning on ending my life.

I also wrote to my psychiatrist because the pain was bad around midnight and I was having a hard time trying to sleep. I haven’t heard back from her either. I plan on writing her another email saying the pain is better, at least for now anyways.

I’m finally getting my pizza tonight for my babysitting duties. I am so excited, LOL. I hope they make it greasy and cheesy. I have been craving this pizza for weeks. I need my pizza fix and I didn’t get it this month. Mostly because I miscalculated my funds. I hate when that happens. I am going to try to do better this month.

I am ordering groceries tomorrow so I don’t have to eat out. I just hope it lasts a month as I can’t go weekly shopping. I just don’t have the funds. Besides, ordering online is so much easier than having to go to the store and drag the bags up the stairs. Only thing that I will need to buy at the meat market are burgers.