Tag: sleep disturbance

rambling about sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I wasn’t so sure I would write today. I just woke up from a two hour snooze. It’s now half past midnight. I had an easy day but I am still sick. I have been sleeping in spurts and it is pissing me off. All because of this damn cold that I got in my throat. I keep waking up in severe throat pain. I am not in so much pain now but I just took some vitamin D and now my throat is back on fire. Guess it didn’t like the powerade I drank to wash down the pills. And because I have not gone to the bathroom most of the week, I took some fiber pills to hopefully get things moving. I am not looking forward to it. With my nerve damage, moving hard stools or moving stools in general is difficult. It’s very easy to get backed up and because of my illness, I really let things get out of hand. I have not gone since Tuesday, I think. But I also have not been eating as much so that is good too. Less to poop.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today but was unable to keep it because I felt so lousy, physically. I am glad I didn’t keep it because just a walk to the store for cough syrup left me totally exhausted. A trip into town would have totally wiped me out. I asked if we could reschedule for two weeks, but have not heard back from her. I hate it when she doesn’t respond to my emails or even acknowledges them with an ok. Just lets me wonder if she got the email or if she is pissed with me for cancelling. I will never know.

I spent the day catching up with my DVR and then tonight I watched my Sox lose to the O’s. Sox did not provide any run support to the starting pitcher so got the loss in a shutout. They couldn’t even get a couple of hits together. It made me wish I was there at Camden Yards. I went to Baltimore once last year and loved it. It is such a great city. I hope to go again to see a ballgame. It would be easy to get tickets and probably would cost less than going to Fenway. Just read on twitter that a guy got on the disabled list for a bruised thumb. Are you kidding me? Dustin Pedroia has been playing all season with a torn ligament in his thumb, and I mean all 70 games!! Some men are pure babies when it comes to injuries.

This weekend is Father’s day. I am not doing shit for my father because a) I am broke and B) he is an asshole. For the past few weeks he has been complaining of pain in his right side. His oncologist thinks it is just scar pain. So what does my father do, goes to his primary who then sets up an appointment to a surgeon to look at it. WITHOUT TELLING ME. I got the call this afternoon from his primary, not my father, and was like what the hell. I have to reschedule the appointment anyways because I can’t take him and I doubt my sister is going to take off work to take him. I told the ass that if it gets worse to call me. But does he listen, no. Damn fool. I know he wants answers to his pain but I think it is just a pulled muscle and those things take a while to heal. I just can’t stand him. I mean it’s not like he is disrupting my schedule or anything. But I just hate him so much I don’t want to be around him. For all the pain he has caused me, this is pay back.

I was really hoping to sleep tonight. But I just can’t get it out of my head that I am sick and my cough doesn’t help. I can’t take anymore meds because it has only been two hours since my last dose. My throat is hurting and it sucks because there is nothing I can do for it. I am kind of hot in my room so maybe if I turn on the fan, I can go back to sleep.

question of interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Interest

I wondered today why I keep telling my therapist I am suicidal when I really want to kill myself. I know that she can stop me with a phone call for the white coats but it is more than that. Maybe I am afraid that if I am no longer suicidal to her, she will lose interest in me and find me a bore. I doubt this is true but I can’t help but feel this way. I also wonder why I am suicidal. I know I am depressed but you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I hate myself. I hate my life. But I mostly just hate myself because I am not who I am.

Then I think maybe I am just suicidal to keep my readers interested. I know that sounds silly. I am not an attention seeker. I really feel like killing myself at times but something always holds me back, from going through with my plan. Lately it has been trying to see if taking the different pills I am on in large doses will be effective in doing damage. I don’t know why I think these things. It just comes to me so automatic that I really have gotten out of touch with what I truly feel and can think about something other than killing myself. The coping strategies I know about I have not put into use, though distraction is my biggest coping skill I use. If I distract myself from killing myself, that is good. Usually music will do it or sometimes writing/journaling/blogging. I write my therapist letters about how I feel and send them to her. I don’t know if she reads them as I usually save them up and when a bunch accumulates, I then mail them. They can be the most depressing things she ever reads. But it helps distract from acting on killing myself. I feel that the interest I have in suicide is also a factor in why I want to kill myself.

Today my therapist and I were talking about lethality. I don’t think I am lethal in my suicidality where she thinks I am because it’s not like I am saying I am taking one aspirin and calling it an OD. I am saying I am thinking about taking the bottle. But then the feeling passes but the thoughts don’t. I don’t know if this is making sense. I have been up since 0600, with weird dreams a few hours before that waking me up every 90 mins, which is the standard dream cycle. I am waking up because the dreams are disturbing but I can’t recall them when I wake up. Even now I don’t remember what the dreams were about. I know one of them had me in my old house I grew up in. But that is all. Frustrating as hell because this has gone on the past three nights and I have been waking up early despite going to bed around midnight. It just sucks because being sleep deprived always gives me a migraine, like I have right now. I want to take a nap but I think that will just make my sleep even more disturbed. And the more my sleep is disturbed, the more suicidal and pain I get.

lack of sleep is a costly thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep but then it’s early for me. I have been thinking about all the nights I have not been able to sleep because of pain, because of worries, because of things that keep running through my head.

Tonight I feel suicidal but I am not going to act on it. I just don’t feel the lethality of my thoughts anymore though if given a chance to actually act on them I might do it. I just don’t care anymore. If I live, if I die. What difference does it make. I still will be doing the same thing tomorrow that I am doing today, nothing. I realized that because I don’t sit down, say in a chair, it has helped my leg get better. I don’t know how better as the pain is less but when I walk or have a long day, it will flair. Even on days when I don’t have long days or walk it will flair up. There is no rhyme or reason as to why this happens. But it bugs me. I need something to do because I am going out of my mind. I have MASH DVDs that I can watch but I don’t watch them. I have other programs I can watch but I don’t. I can clean my room but that just overwhelms me. I try to go out at least once a day but even that seems to be too much of a hassle for me. I am becoming a hermit and I don’t like it. I know tomorrow I will have to go out to pick up my prescription. I probably will get a soda as I have not had one in a few days. I might get a tonic water to avoid the calories of a soda as I am watching my weight. I also might mix this tonic water with some gin and have a drink. I love gin. It tastes so good but I can’t have too much or I will get sick.

I just tried stretching my legs. It felt good. I wish I could remember to do it every day. Maybe then they won’t be so tight. Right now it’s nine thirty in the evening and I am thinking of going to bed but it hold no good dreams for me. I dream about work or killing myself. And this saddens me. I hate trying to go to sleep. Unless I am severely exhausted, I will fight it till the end. No matter how many pills, I take to get to sleep it seems my body always fights it no matter what. It is so frustrating. My lovely Neurontin that I love to take to zone out no longer works for me, even at high doses. I used to be able to sleep a good twelve hours, now I’m lucky to sleep five. That is my interval, four hours maximum. Where I used to sleep till 10 am or later, I am now waking up between six and eight in the morning. I hate this. I need something that makes me sleep longer but I don’t know what to take to let me sleep. Maybe some benedryl. I don’t know…

And this is all if I don’t have pain keeping me up. If I have pain then I am not sleeping at all. I writher in agony until the pain meds bring me some relief. Then soon as they wear off I am in pain again it starts the cycle all over again. The doctors don’t get it. They see me at 2-3 in the afternoon when I am not at my worst pain and think I am doing ok or better than I was the month before and give me my pills and say have a nice month before coming back to tell them the same story of losing sleep because of pain. Pain that wakes me up. Pain that keeps me awake. They don’t care. I am the one paying the price and they don’t care. They think that 2-3 pills a day is an adequate dose to keep me from withering in agony but they don’t see the price it is costing me. Lack of sleep. Lack of ambition, lack of motivation to do things I normally do. I tell them all this and still all I get is lose weight and be more active. I’ll be more active when I am dead…

about sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Sleep is a wonderful thing unless you don’t get it.

Past few weeks I have been having some major troubles sleeping. I don’t know why as I take enough meds to knock out a horse. I sleep in 3 hr increments so I had a total of nine interrupted hours of sleeping, this is after I fell asleep at 6 am this morning. Now it is nine o’clock and I am still tired and want to go to sleep but I know that I won’t.

I knew I wouldn’t do much of anything today once it hit 4 am and I was still awake. I had something to eat, peas and rice, and now I am so full. I guess that is why I am so sleepy. For the first time all week I don’t have heartburn.

Tomorrow starts my motivation of a friend. I hope that I will be able to keep to task. My friend has faith in me so I hope I don’t let her down.

Going to finish watching M*A*S*H. I love the show. I got the whole season collection at a good price. Now I can watch it any time I want to, wish is now.

Until tomorrow and thank you for reading.