Tag: suicidality

for want of a nap

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today is my down time day. I really just worked a little bit on my manuscript and then had to take a nap, except I didn’t fall asleep because I was friggen freezing in my room! I still got this damn cold that just won’t go away. Today I decided to increase my fluid intake because I think I was dehydrated. Dark urine is usually a good indicator. And now I am peeing my brains out. Every half hour I have to friggen pee. WTH!!

Bad news of today is that I really want to cut again. Not sure what triggered it as my manuscript was focused on my psychiatrist and there is nothing there that would make me want to cut. I guess I am just feeling annoyed and have to get rid of the feeling the only way I know how. But I have a possible wake/funeral to go to so I don’t want to be marking up my arm. I wrote my therapist another letter this morning as I was up at 0430. I was able to get back to sleep around six and sleep till ten so I was glad about that.

I really feel like I am losing my mind, or what is left of it anyways. A friend wanted to get together today but I told him I had stuff to do, family stuff. I was debating seeing my aunt who is really sick but seeing as I am sick, it probably would not be a good idea to see her. This is the second time in my life that she has been ill and I get a friggen cold and can’t see her. It’s just really tough. Plus, I don’t want my last memories of her to be sick. I heard she had a really hard time yesterday. I hope today is a better day for her.

I have been feeling really sad because I know my aunt is going to die soon. The hardest part is the waiting. They gave her 5-10 days to live because she is so sick. I hope that it is sooner just so my cousin (her daughter) doesn’t have to suffer longer than she has to watching her mother die. It has to be the toughest thing in the world to see. It just breaks my heart. I love them both so much. But my aunt has lived a long life. She is 91. My fondest memories of her is her always making food whenever we stopped by to see her. She would literally make us something and would get so mad if we didn’t eat it. Most of the time we almost always ate before coming to see her so we weren’t that hungry. But because she only speaks Italian, it was hard to explain to her why we didn’t want to eat. Or that we spent every holiday over her house growing up. After my parents divorced, we kind of were out of the loop about my family. My cousin had another baby and we didn’t even know about it. My other cousins had kids and we didn’t know about it until after the fact. These kids don’t know me and I find that sad.

Now if I could only take a nap I would be happy…

really vulnerable right now

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, psychosis, suicidality

Had a painful day today. I am very sore from my fall that I took yesterday. Walking is more difficult now because my knee and thigh are involved in giving me pain.

I feel lousy because I still have this cold. I don’t know if it is getting better or worse, but it definitely isn’t going away. I have been taking vitamin D supplements to try and boost my immune system. And no that is not a typo, I meant D. I participated in a trial of vitamin D to help boost immune function and it does work. Since I have been taking it, I have not had bronchitis or pneumonia. It does lessen the effect of the cold but I have been lax in taking it every day.

Voices are still around taunting me. I am trying not to listen to them but it is so tiring to do so. My defenses are already down because of this cold that I got and my pain threshold has been increased. I am just really vulnerable right now.

I emailed my PCP’s office the other night and got a response. I had to laugh and ask myself, did they even read the message?? I told them the nerve block didn’t work and I was not going to see another specialist ever again for my ankle problem. Or have another test done. The nurse writes back “oh I see you have further tests to be done and see a neurologist”. I am like WTF are you kidding me lady!! Did I have to SPELL it out that I am DONE with anything anyone else can think of that is causing me this pain and not help me with it??? My pain meds are working and that is all I fucking care about. Just as long as my doc continues to prescribe them, there isn’t going to be any problems.

I got an email from my pharmacy saying that my medicine, which I just put in a refill on, is out of stock. So today I call to see if it has come in and find out the manufacturer is having problems making it. I am like what??? I heard about this shit happening but not to my medication!! I have enough to cover me and hopefully it comes in tomorrow but if not I don’t know what I am going to do. I need my Ativan! I hate having to ration it and just take it if I really need it. I might have to use more Neurontin to cover my issues as lately it has been helping me with sleep.

Been up since six this morning. I hate waking up this early and I didn’t take a nap today. I am really cranky. I made myself breakfast, like I always do. I might have breakfast for dinner. I am too lazy to make something else. My specialty is fried egg sandwich. Used to be scrambled egg but now it’s fried egg, once I learned how to turn the egg over, LOL. It is not an easy thing to do without breaking the yolk! And I love the yolk. Probably why my cholesterol is high but I don’t care. I just read something today that said that having chronic depressive episodes is “causally linked” to heart disease. So if I am going to have a heart attack that kills me before I kill myself, I am for it! But I wonder if the reverse might be true, that heart disease causes depression?? HMM there is something to ponder! But then you have the health junkies that die of a heart attack so I don’t get it.

Tonight, which is soon, all I am going to do is watch the TV show MASH and laugh. I love that show.

Oh and I forgot…today is my thirteen anniversary of CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. 13 years ago today I lost my ability to walk and within a month got it back but I had to have back surgery to have that happen.

very bad in my head

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis, suicide

Having a really hard time. Going through financial issues with my therapist because she got a new billing service and they have been harping on her for payment. I haven’t paid her in a long time since being disabled and the whole thing is stressing me out. So now I have to pay what I can pay her so her billing people aren’t harassing her. The whole stress of the matter, which I knew would happen one day, has caused the bad voices to come out and command me to do things, mostly to cut because I am a bad person. My therapist was telling me that this voice is wrong and full of shit. I wish she could hear them sometimes and maybe she would understand what I go through. It’s not easy telling them they are full of shit when they are screaming that you are nothing but a moron and an idiot all the time. Then I have another voice that is trying to get me to do the right thing and take care of myself and these other voices start harping on her. It’s very bad in my head right now and I feel so stressed about it. Every time I get a little stressed the voices come out. My therapist wants me to take some extra meds which I guess I will do tonight. And also to take my pain meds when I am feeling pain not hours later when it’s beyond control. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. Like I am being punished by this pain so just let it be but she said that is not how it is. I don’t know if I am making sense. I have been up since five and have not taken a nap. I am really tired and I am sick. I took a fall today and my knee is hurting. Everything is hurting. I wish the pain meds helped with the internal hurt but it doesn’t.

I have been having urges to cut since I cut last week I think it was. I don’t even remember. My therapist doesn’t want me to cut over the financial situation but I know that I will feel better if I cut. She said that she won’t. I gave her my word that I wouldn’t cut. I am also to keep texting her over the weekend to let her know how I am doing. She is worried right now because I am psychotic. And of course she brings up the hospital whenever I tell her about the voices. I sometimes hate bringing it up but I just let it happen and then I hate myself for bringing it up. She doesn’t understand what it is like living with them. These voices are mean and nasty. They watch everything that I do and criticize everything that I do. It could be the way I cut my chicken up or the way I go down the stairs. Sometimes they want me to take extra medication but I don’t do that. The only medication I will take extra of is Neurontin because I know the effect of this med. I did take extra Ativan the other night. I had to because all I wanted to do was sleep. I think I am going to take Neurontin with some trilafon tonight to ward off the voices. They don’t like the trilafon. That is the one med they don’t want me to take. But I need to because I don’t want to end up back in the hospital.

I emailed my PCP tonight. I told him that I don’t want to see anymore specialists. I just want adequate pain control and that is that. The nerve block didn’t work out and for three days I was in excruciating pain. It took two kinds of pain meds to bring my pain under control. I don’t want to go through that again. The pain was horrible. It brought me to a dark place, granted it didn’t take much to bring me there but still. I hated being there. And now I am thinking of ways of killing myself because I don’t know what else to do. I am tired of living a life in pain and if my PCP won’t acknowledge the fact that what we are doing is fine then I might as well kill myself now than go through hoops to get pain meds.

So I am psychotic, in a lot of physical pain, and am deeply depressed. Yup…I am FUBAR…fucked up beyond all rehabilitation.

Is suicide ever justifiable?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Is suicide ever justifiable?

I read an article about this today and it has me thinking. Would my suicide be justifiable? I am living in chronic physical pain every day that is sometimes helped by opioid medication but yet is not at times. I suffer from depression but no anti-depressant seems to help me. I am on a mood stabilizer that helps with the ups and downs but doesn’t help with the lows that I get. So would my death be justifiable because I have exhausted every available method of treatment for both conditions? I think I have. I think it is time that suicide should be given more thought. It isn’t wrong. It isn’t selfish. Sure there would be people that would miss me but if they know that I have tried everything and it all failed, I think they would rather have me dead than suffer. I cannot not go on suffering like this anymore. Everyday it is a battle. Which pain will cause me more suffering, mental or physical and lately physical has been winning. I am losing the battle and there is no one I can talk to about this. Even if there was someone to talk to about this, they wouldn’t understand. They would want me to try harder but I am tired. I am so very tired of fighting this losing battle I cannot win. So I have been making up my own rules. I have been dosing myself without regard to time tables. If I hurt I take something no matter the hour. But my mental pain is a whole another story.

This pain creeps on your and stays with you like a parasite. It grows on your fears and your doubts and your sorrow like no tomorrow. And nothing eases this hurt. I am frustrated by the psychiatric community that has not found a cure for this kind of ache. This all encompassing ache that is deep down in the soul and blacks out all the good in the world and in your heart. I was free from it at one point but it has recaptured me. Whether it is because the physical pain has gotten to be too much I do not know. I just know it hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. It hurts to be. And I don’t want to be anymore.

They say that if you are suicidal you are not in your right mind. That if you give yourself time, you will not think about it in a week or two. I have thought of killing myself for too long. I want this suffering to end. I am a lowly human being that deserves to die. I have done many things wrongs in my life. But I still feel that I am in my rational mind. In ancient times, if the citizen asked the government three times to die the wish was granted on the third attempt. Why can we have the same kind of rules now? I have asked my treaters if I should die and yet they want me to continue to live in this painful existence. If I was suffering from cancer, would that change their mind? No one is guaranteed a tomorrow. I am just asking that I be put to death to end my suffering because there is no cure for my ailments.