Tag: suicide attempt

suicidal self vs DID

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

I was reading an article tonight about DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple personality disorder). It got me thinking in a lot of ways that I will ask my therapist about. I am wondering if I went into an “alter” last week when I became really suicidal. My pdoc thinks that I am just not made to be menstruating, that anything to do with it, I just become suicidal. But it’s so strange that I become this suicidal maniac until I start bleeding. Then I am back to my status quo. I woke up differently on Thursday than I was feeling on Wednesday. I still feel like I should be dead but it’s like last Tuesday was eons ago rather than just last week. I don’t know if I am making any sense. I just know that I was different than I am now and I am trying to figure it out. Nothing triggering me into being someone else. I just figured that since no one was home, they would have a hard time finding me and then it would be too late to save me. I am not going to say what I was planning on doing.

This “different” state happens all the time and I should know by now that it is hormonal. But does hormones play a part in DID? No one really knows that much about it. They know that trauma plays a huge part in forming the alters or different personality states. But why should I have just a suicidal state? I mean I am suicidal most of the time but this was different. This was borderline hospitalize me now or I am going to end my life state. And then, just like that, I didn’t want to kill myself anymore. It was the furthest thing from my mind. I am not saying that I wanted to live, because I NEVER do but suicide was the last thing on my mind and has been that way the past few days. I actually have been feeling “happy” and not moody. I am finagling how to make a future for myself that includes going back to college and getting my degree. That I don’t have a car anymore, kills me. That I am not working anymore, kills me. And the big one, that I am disabled, absolutely destroys me. I have to be on bedrest for the next month. That absolutely sucks. I literally have to make the swelling in my leg go down before my next appointment. I don’t know what they will do. Probably start me on more pills or something to get the swelling down if rest and ice doesn’t work.

And all this is fueling my suicidal gauge again. It got empty for a while but now it’s back to being full. And I cannot tell my therapist I am on bed rest because she will fucking pull that card on me big time and I don’t want to hear it. It would soon be grounds for admission to hospital and I can’t do that. FUCK that. Problem is, I haven’t figured out how NOT to keep this from her because I have a big mouth and I tell her everything that is wrong with me. I don’t know how she stands me. I really don’t. I torture this lady week after week with my suicidality. I bore her to tears with my pain issues. She doesn’t let on about it, but I know I bore her. But I am getting off topic of the DID stuff…

I don’t know when the suicidal self began. It happened really quickly and that is what scared me. I started thinking about this on Monday (last Monday) and then poof, Tuesday I was in the running for a suicide attempt. It got spoiled only because my fucking idiot therapist wanted to keep my appointment with her. Damn bitch and her decorum. It was a beautiful day to kill myself. No one was home. I would take what I needed to do the deed and be done with it with no one to fucking stop me. So the plan was to proceed anyways. NOPE, didn’t happen. I had to text her that I was going to be dead by Wed and would not be keeping our appointment because of my death. Or something like that. I am the biggest idiot alive. One hand I was having keen suicidal thoughts and in the other hand, I am texting the one person that could stop me from going through with it. I am a fucker, as she has called me numerous times now. I am not kidding. But it is true. My ambivalence got in the way, maybe, and thus my beautiful plan was never executed in the fashion I wanted it to. So then I started thinking of other ways to end my life. Until Thursday came with a little gift of discharge and all was right with the world again. Doesn’t make sense. I didn’t lose track of time. I was in the moment, well, in a suicide moment. The constriction was deep and flowing. I couldn’t wrap my head around anything other than killing myself and then poof, it’s gone. Just like that. And I am left stunned. I am back to the land of the living though I certainly don’t want to be here. I am left feeling like “did that really happen”? “Was I really thinking of taking my life that way”? Why did I want to die so badly? It just doesn’t make any sense. And I don’t think my therapist or my psychiatrist can make sense of it either. Just a few drops of menstrual blood was all that was needed to break the insanity, to lose the suicidal self. My psych doesn’t see that side of me often. She doesn’t see what my therapist sees on a regular basis. I think it is harder for her to diagnose me as a DID because of this, if I do have DID. But I don’t think having a suicidal self “counts” as a “part of self” or an “alter”. And that is really frustrating me.

I am on birth control pills that are supposed to control my menses so this break should not be happening. Yet it happens and I have no control over it. I don’t think anyone can really have control over it. Even though the discharge was only a day or so, it was enough to break the suicidal self and bring me back to being miserable. And that is that sad part of this. I don’t die and I am forced to live when I don’t want to.

my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome

BookCoverImage

If anyone wants to read and review my book, please comment. Book is available where ever books are sold, including amazon.com

Weird dreams again and the SSF

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

I am having a horrible day. My day literally started at 0100. I slept for a few hours, from 2200 to 0100 and I was up for the night. I went back to sleep around dawn. Was up for a few hours and then tried to get back to sleep around 0800 or 0900. Fail. I finally gave up around 1130. In the times that I did sleep, I had another weird dream about children and elevators. It was winter time and we were going to take the children sledding but the elevator malfunctioned and we ended up at a hospital that was at an airport. I don’t know what that is about. Absolutely makes no sense. Other than me possibly wanting to get away either through an airport or a hospital admission. I don’t know.

I had therapy and we talked about the weird dream and me not sleeping. I told her I am getting to my wits end. The heat is not helping. I still have to clear a path for my bro in law to install the AC. Maybe I will do that after I write this blog. We also talked about my suicidality and the need to attempt suicide. I don’t know why I feel like this. I just feel like everybody will be better off without me. I just feel so low and useless. I know my sister needs me because I have to pick up my niece next week. She doesn’t have the after school program anymore. But I just hope my ankle doesn’t flare up other wise I will be in pain and I am not looking forward to that. I just wish I wasn’t in pain every single day. I have not had a “day off” from pain in weeks.

So because I am thinking of an attempt, my therapist is taking out the old SSF to assess where I am at. She will do this assessment tomorrow. The SSF (Suicide Status Form) is an assessment used to assess and evaluate suicidality. In addition to this assessment, it also lists goals of treatment that both the clinician and client agree upon. The beauty of this assessment is that it allows collaboration in the treatment of suicidality rather than have the clinician be the expert. And the assessment is easier for the clinician as it also lists all the necessary documentation you would need for a session such as Axis diagnosis, progress notes, and date of next appointment.

The SSF was developed by a suicidologist, my idol, Dr. David Jobes. He developed this assessment so that clients that were suicidal did not get “lost” in the system and were treated as equals in their treatment, rather than have treatment as usual. To learn more about this, check out his book on the subject, Managing Suicidal Risk. It is a great book and also teaches you how to score the assessment at the end of the book. There are also classes you can take. His assessment tool follows under his framework, CAMS, Collaborating and Assessing Management of Suicidality. I write a lot about his work on my blog because I can’t stress the importance of suicide prevention. And this is one tool to do that.

So my therapist is pulling out this assessment tool on me tomorrow. I am not happy about it. I know how to “cheat” on it as I am the one to bring it to her attention. She is not proficient in promoting it despite my several attempts for her to go to Jobes’s workshops. She feels, like many therapists, that her training is adequate (it’s not) and she does not want to be a suicidologist. I am not asking her to change her ways, just add to her skill set. Every time she brings it out, I cringe because I know she doesn’t use it all the way through and that pisses me off. I feel like it is a waste of time because it is not used properly.

boat scenario

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I had a sleepy day today. I took my mood stabilizer to try and get me out of this pit I am in. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house today. I wanted to get a coffee and work on my next book but it doesn’t look like that is happening.

I got rudely awakened a little after 8 this morning. It was a collector and I was not happy. I should have yelled at them but I was half way between awake and dream land so it would not have been good to talk to anyone in that state. I still am having bad dreams. My therapist can’t figure it out. I have decided not to take abilify this week. And now she is freaking out because she knows what that does to me. But I can’t afford it this month. I will take it like every few days and see if that helps. I am not psychotic right now so that is good. Probably because I am so sleepy. I am going to try and stay up to watch the Sox game but no guarantees on that.

I canceled my PCP appointment for tomorrow. I just can’t see him right now. I know I should but there is no point as my symptoms are better. I just have my pdoc appointment this week, which I will keep. I still don’t know what the point of keeping the appointment is but whatever.

I had therapy today and we talked about a therapist’s letter to a suicidal person. It started off open and caring yet toward the end it felt like it was demanding and off. It was really weird. I have highlighted it for you to see. My therapist thinks I should write a response blog to it. HA yea right. What am I going to say? You want to know my suicidality yet I know you will panic if I don’t go along with what you say? Or are we in this boat together? One of my therapist used a boat scenario with me. She had me swimming around the boat and her trying to pull me in but I just never could get in because I couldn’t trust her. She never jumped in after me. So we were always separated by things like trust. I would rather drown than trust her and she would just watch. Not a good feeling when you are in crisis. And of course with that therapist, I always ended up in the ER with my suicidal thoughts. So much for not panicking.

I have had a lot of therapists over the years, before I saw my current one. There were lots of reasons why the relationship didn’t work out. None of them had to do with suicide. Most of them had to do with life choices. A marriage, life change, budget cuts, residency ending and the like. Some therapists I fired because they were too stupid to understand that I was suicidal. I had this one therapist, a psych resident. I told him I wanted to get a bottle of pills to kill myself. He then asked if I was suicidal. Nope, just want the pills for a joy ride, WTF, seriously??? What part of I am going to kill myself does not translate into being suicidal???? I dumped him and then found another jackass. I thought she would be the “one” as she has been in the business for years. That all ended the time I was upset about a fight my sister and I had. Instead of dealing with me, she wanted to know about the social status of my sister. Yup, here is your sign, you are fired! The weird thing was is that she said I would never be able to find another therapist, that she wouldn’t refer me to anyone because we still had “work to do”. Well you ain’t doing it with me lady. I don’t remember if we ever talked about being suicidal. I don’t know that I ever left my guard down enough to let her in. She was already therapist number 8 or 9. I have had seen 12 therapists since 1991, thirteen if you count the really freaking guy that kept sweating whenever I brought up being suicidal.

As much as my current therapist bugs me, we are a good fit. I taught her some stuff and she taught me some stuff. It’s always been an open relationship, though it was tough in the beginning. She never hospitalized me though, all throughout my treatment with her. We mutually agreed on going in the hospital. And we have been together for 13 years now. Ultimately, the decision for the hospital was mine. I knew what to say to get me out and I knew what to say to get in. I know the rules have changed some since the first time I went in. It’s a lot tougher to stay in than to get out. Hospitals don’t like to keep you now a days, even if you have good insurance. But I think if you make an attempt, you stay longer than if you didn’t.