Tag: suicide attempt

Don’t Feel Like Talking

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt

Don’t feel like Talking

I have been reviewing in my mind the last few suicide “mini” attempts that I took over the past several months. I am wondering why I never called for help or called a friend. It wasn’t like I didn’t have a number for a friend I couldn’t call or a helpline or a chat person. I just was constricted into one way of thinking. I needed to escape and that was going to happen. It was my “only” way out. I think I slipped into Mr. Hyde and ran away from help. I couldn’t possibly think that someone would understand the amount of pain that I was in or understand that ending my life was the only way out of the mess that I was in. And it wasn’t truly a “mess”. I just wanted an out that I could count on.

My last attempt was last week. I wrote a blog about it and then fell asleep. While I slept off my drugs, at least three bloggers tried to get in touch with me through various ways. One of them found my personal email, which I am still wondering how in the world they got. I am glad I don’t have my cell phone listed anywhere or it probably would have been traced back to me. But since that happened, I have been scared to write. Scared because I don’t want the police showing up at my door. I have had that happen before and it wasn’t a pretty picture. It was terrible because even though I was in “protective custody” through EMS (the paramedics had already showed up and taken me to the hospital), the police and fire department didn’t know that so broke a window to get into my house. I was freaked out when I heard about this. My family was wicked worried about me. And that was all because I wrote an email to my psychiatrist. My writing has gotten me into trouble. So now I am scared that it will again. I have dissociative episodes. I barely remember sending the blog that night. I don’t even remember what I said, other than taking pills.

I don’t want to stop blogging. It has been a lifeline for me. But I also realize that I need to be more aware of my thoughts and feelings to stop the hurt before I take something lethal. Luckily, I only took a few pills. I didn’t take a bottle. But the question remains, why didn’t I feel like talking to someone before I took them??

I know of suicide prevention. I know of suicide assessments. So why didn’t I use them? I am not beating myself up here. I am just trying to understand what went on inside my head so that I can do something the next time this happens. All that I come up with is that I didn’t want to go to the hospital again. If I paged my psych and told her I wanted to take my life, I don’t think she would let me off the phone unless I had a plan with her to go to the ER. So that option is out. Luckily, through this recent episode, I found a fellow survivor that I can email. I hope that I can email her and talk freely about what I am feeling and what I want to do. That is if I feel like talking. That is the key…talking. To know one’s story. I feel like such a hypocrite because I wrote a book, published it, and then tried to take my life afterwards. Some survivor I am. I am totally unstable and I don’t think I will ever be stable. I told my therapist today, that if I had the chance, I would try again. I am just tired of living. SO DAMNED TIRED. I have nothing keeping me here. My protective factors are minimal. I don’t even know if they exist anymore. I mean, I love my family a little bit but I don’t feel connected to them in anyway. I just feel like I am this stranger that comes out of my room and says hi every now and then. I hardly go out anymore. My life is meaningless.

My therapist is so excited about my book that she doesn’t even want to read my blog anymore. Though my blog readership has hit an all time high lately. I should be proud of that. But I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything. I am not interested in anything. I got my journal of Suicide and Life threatening behavior today and it didn’t even excite me. One of my favorite suicidologists wrote a paper in it. I should have been all over it but I wasn’t. I had no interest in what the article was about. I am too depressed to care about anything. And I don’t even talk to my therapist anymore. All she wants to talk about it my fricken book. I am done talking about my book. It just depresses me. And I don’t know why. I should be on cloud nine right now but I am not. Maybe I should go back on an anti-depressant. But I am so sensitive to them, they just make me sick. I hate this anhedonia I have been feeling. I hate that worse than the psychache that I have been feeling. I mean, how many times can your heart break and nobody know? Because depression is an invisible illness. No one sees it. No one else feels it. It’s all inside you. And no one feels like talking about it.

That’s what I do best

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

As I am nearing my 700th blog mark, I am trying to think of something poignant to write. I still have a few days to really think about this.

I woke up really hungry this morning so made myself some pancakes. I don’t know what I did wrong, but they didn’t come out right. I think next time, I am going to omit the baking soda and see how they come out.

I cannot wait for tomorrow so I can order my books. I am still trying to finagle how to save money so I can ship them out. Right now I think I am just going to ship out the overseas as that will be the most expensive. I then ship out the domestic next month. I am really excited and hope that I don’t screw up my signature. I haven’t really been practicing. LOL. I just am really excited to ship out my book to Switzerland. I just hope I filled out the customs form correctly.

I finally made it out. I went to Walgreens and surprisingly, I paid less than one dollar. This was due to their rewards program. This is the second time that I have paid less than a dollar on more than three products. It’s pretty cool.

I am feeling depressed though I have no reason to be. I just don’t feel like doing anything. It’s going to Walgreens was a hassle. Was it a hassle in the sense of going there, but just internally of getting dressed, picking out shoes, and a hat. I just grabbed the first hat that was available to me and went out.

I told my therapist today that I felt like committing suicide. She couldn’t believe it. She was excited about my book and she can’t wait until I have it signed for her. I am hoping to borrow my sister’s car tomorrow but I don’t know how likely that is. It’s school vacation week and I don’t know if my sister is off of work but not. I don’t know why I feel so low. I know it’s mostly because I don’t have anything to occupy my thoughts. I don’t have any writing projects that I’m actively pursuing, nor do my games keep me occupied. She suggested I just go out and just sit at Starbucks to just write. But it’s hard to be in a coffee place, with no coffee. My funds for coffee have been depleted. So now I just have to make coffee at home and that is boring.

I am listening to Pearl Jam. I really like them when I am in a dark mood. It helps to ease my anxiety and make my mood less dark. I don’t know why I keep track of my word count. But I do. It kind of kills me because at one point I was able to write 1,000 word blogs and now I can barely write 500. Even my blog is becoming a hassle. Maybe I should be in the hospital to get a break from my life. I am suicidal enough. But I just feel like it will be a let down, that I won’t really get the care I need. I am not that bad, I don’t think. I know I took one too many pills last week but those feelings haven’t dissipated. I feel like such a failure and I don’t know why. My therapist was so excited to get my book. She couldn’t put it down. But I doubt she has read the full chapter. I think the hardest thing for me right now is that I have nothing to do and I don’t know what to do so I think about killing myself. Because that’s what I do best.

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

BookCoverImage

Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

horrible feeling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

I was supposed to type up a blog tonight about things but never got to so I will post it another time.

I got a little crazy last night, actually, more impatient because I wasn’t falling asleep fast enough. I was really tired and took my meds but my damn brain just wouldn’t shut off. Then I got really paranoid. I still believe a fellow blogger is after me though I know that is highly unlikely. I just can’t help feel that this person is out to get me, and is watching what I say I do through the web. I know part of this is because I missed taking my meds the beginning of the week. Not taking the pink pill really does a number on me when I don’t take it. My therapist wants me in the hospital. Pisses me off because other than babysitting me, what the hell are they going to do?? I have to give the meds time to work. Sure they can drug me up good like the last time I was there but I don’t want that. They had me on almost 12 mg of trilafon at one point because I was paranoid WHILE in the hospital. I thought the staff was going to harm me and wanted to barricade myself in my room. But I thought if I did that, how would my roommates get to their stuff and bed so I didn’t. I told the contact person, who made me get some PRNs and I got drugged up some more. I hated it. The regular voices that I had went bye-bye and I was all alone. I hated it.

I told myself that if I became psychotic again, I wouldn’t let my therapist or psychiatrist talk me into going in the hospital. I will do whatever it takes to avoid another hospitalization. Right now, I am trying not to obsess about my stats too much. I don’t know why I have to be such a nerd. I check my blog stats, I check my sales stats, it’s always stats. And I did poorly in the class that I took. I never understood, and still don’t, know what the numbers really mean. It took me hours to get it. Now, I understand a little more but I really just look at sample size and the P value of things rather than percentages and graphs. I hate graphs. I always had a hard time making them in college. I could never get the Y and X values right. I always mixed them up so my graph looked stupid.

I had therapy today. My therapist is worried about me. A few bloggers are too. I just hate feeling this way. I just want to end it and I don’t have a real good explanation on why I want to die. Is that terrible? I just published my book and now I want to die. What does that say? No one knows how I feel. I just feel fucking crazy right now. The voices keep telling me I am being watched. It’s a horrible feeling. Hope that it only takes a few PRNs to make them go away.