Tag: suicide ideation

rough snowy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

So yay! I got my prescriptions filled today. Now I just have to wait until 2/2 for my next one because I am two days late for refilling my narcotic meds thanks to the blizzard or the inept medical assistant. And I am 8 pills short. I am not happy about this. The doc decreased the pill count to 112 for a 28 day supply. I am screwed if I have a pain flare up. My doc refuses to give me 2 pills at a time, which is what I take. I have told him this numerous times but he refuses to change the script to reflect that. I am so annoyed. I am just happy the pills cost less this month. I have 2 extra dollars, yay!

I see the stupid nurse practitioner for my next refill. That is going to be fun because she is an airhead. I probably will have to have a drug test as it has been a while. I am not worried about it. I have been taking the meds that I am supposed to be taking.

I got into an argument with my mother today over my money. She doesn’t understand that at least $70-80 USD goes toward my prescriptions every month and that is all I have to play with. Yes I bought a printer and a few other items that I probably shouldn’t have but I need these items to make me happy. And I needed a haircut because my cousin always gives me “female” haircuts and there is no arguing with him about this. I sometimes allow him to give me a haircut because it free, but it is not what I want so I rather just pay for what I want. I told my mother I spend most of my money on bills. I have to pay medicare, my private insurance (which went up $16), cell phone, cable, therapist, and student loans. I am not left with too much left over. I really wanted to buy Chinese food this month but I am broke. It will have to wait until next month.

I still have two prescriptions I need to pick up, but luckily, they are not expensive. Just 4 dollars. Then I am set for the month. I really should look into a state plan like Mass Health to see if they can help my prescription costs. But I am not sure I can afford them right now. My cousin pays $94 a month for it and there is no way I can afford that unless I cut my private insurance.

I am still waiting for my printer to be shipped but I just checked the status. Seems because of the weather (it has started snowing again), my shipment might be delayed. I guess that is good because I haven’t cleared the space I want to put it. I have been lazy about cleaning. I still have to go through my big box in my room to see if my Lincoln DVD is in it. If it is not, I have totally misplaced it and I will be sad. I love that movie.

I was in an okay mood until the scrapple with my mother over money. Now I am just depressed and want to die. I hate being broke every month and spending so much money on my meds. It was fine when I was working but I no longer have that luxury. Plus the thoughts of transitioning are weighing on me. That always increases my wanting to die.

Ankle is going to be hurting me later on today. I went up and down the stairs a little bit too much today. I haven’t eaten that much today. I am hungry but I don’t know what to make so I don’t make anything. Plus we are low on eggs so I can’t make my favorite sandwich. I went to Walgreens and they were clean out. No eggs. I probably will make some bacon later if I can muster up enough energy to do it. I just hate cleaning the pans.

TG Issues 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, suicidality, transgender

Fortunately, I had therapy today. My therapist was able to get to her office today, but there won’t be therapy tomorrow because they canceled school again. I know out west got hit harder than we did, where she lives. Just sucks but at least I got to talk to her a little bit today.

I told her about the strange dream I had this morning. In the dream, I went to my friend Chris’s wake. I went there with a mutual friend. He went off being a social butterfly that he was and I was left to my own devices. There was a guy I recognized from way back and so we chatted. He asked me my name and when I told him, he looked at me up and down with disgust. I awoke from the dream feeling full of self-loathing. I couldn’t stand to be my own skin. My therapist calls it gender dysphoria. I don’t care what it is called. I hate myself, no, I loathe myself way too much, to the point where I just want to kill myself. We didn’t discuss that part. I thought it was self-explanatory. She should know by now that anything to do with self-loathing is going to bring up suicidal thoughts.

Then we discussed my paper that I am working on submitting for a contest. I think it sounds too depressing, so I added a few sentences about hope. It read okay in my mind but I am still having my doubts. Top prize for this is $1500, though I really would love just to win it for the sake of having my writing mean something. Once the winners are announced, I will post my piece.

But the writing got me self-doubting and it really hurts me to think that is what my life is. I am stuck in the wrong body and it is hurtful. Then towards the end of session, my therapist tells me that she called the LGBTQ clinic inquiring about whether suicidality will hinder transition and if private therapy will have to cease. None of these conditions are true. I just need my PCP to recommend them to their primary care place for evaluation. They are willing to work *with* me on the transition. I couldn’t talk about it anymore as I was drowning in sorrow and relief. This could happen this year and all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

I woke up from the self-loathing dream around 0630 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and then when I came back to my room, I got really nauseous. I thought I was going to throw up so I took my Zofran (anti-nausea pill). I couldn’t sit up so I laid back down and fell asleep. I didn’t wake up till around 11 or so. By then I was really hungry so made eggs and bacon. Now I am feeling sick to my stomach again and I am really tired.

No mail has come yet. I hope it comes soon and my prescription is in it. I need my pain meds or I am going to run out. I haven’t been in too much pain today but then I have been resting for most of the day.

I haven’t showered yet. I think I might do that later tonight, if I don’t get sick. I keep thinking about the TG issues and the self-loathing. I really, really, loathe myself. I find myself despicable. I just am not a good person and I should die. But my therapist would miss me so I can’t kill myself as much as I want to. I’m going to go to sleep after I take some Ativan. I hope I am in a better mood when I wake up.

Runaway Train, Soul Asylum

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, transgender

Runaway Train, Soul Asylum

This song is the song of my teenage years and more. The lyrics are just so powerful. I know the song deals with runaway children, but when you are in so much pain and want to escape, this song pretty much covers it.

I am snowed in, literally. There is almost two feet of snow surrounding my house. My brother in law is outside plowing with his snow blower. They have not plowed the streets yet. Travel ban is still in effect as far as I know, though they have lifted the ban in the western part of the state.

I thought I would writ this blog and then read my civil war book. Tomorrow seems to be the same. School has been canceled so I am guessing I won’t be having therapy this week. I could really use a session as my mood has plummeted since I edited one of the papers I am using for a “lived experience” contest. I just hate myself so much that I just want to die. I was reading a transgender blog and read that the FTM is going to have surgery in three weeks to remove his breasts. I am so jealous. But then, I haven’t pursued avenues to my transition. I keep trying to get the nerve to tell my mother but I lose my nerve. I know what she is going to say. And the most hurtful part is that she thinks she knows me. Yeah right. If she knew me, she would know that I buy men’s clothes because it fits my identity as a person.

I should probably take a shower today but I don’t feel like it. The shampoo that I have been using just dries out my scalp and makes it itch. I have yet to find a shampoo other than Selsun Blue that deals with the issue. And Selsun Blue isn’t cheap. I got to get another bottle, so add it to my shopping list. I love shopping on Amazon. I usually am able to get things much cheaper than in the stores, and usually a 2 for 1 deal. Plus I usually have free shipping so that is good. I am not a Prime member because it is too expensive, but I think next year I will be. If I am still alive.

I was reading about a friend on Facebook. We became friends while in the hospital last year. She is thinking about entering the hospital’s DBT program to help her. It is an intensive program, from what I heard. I never found DBT or CBT to be helpful for me. The therapy that I have with my therapist is eclectic, meaning there is no specific discipline she focuses on. Mostly we just talk and go from there. She is open to any therapeutic ideas that I have which I like. I usually am not open to her ideas, though I will research them. There was a guy she liked about something, I forget. I think his last name was Frantz. I came across his paper the other day while looking for something else. It was an interesting paper. It probably is the only thing that I liked that she suggested.

Oh this sucks. I am almost out of my pain medication and I still have not received my new script in the mail. And because of the snow storm, mail won’t be delivered today. Fuck! I still have a few pills left but they won’t last this week. And if I don’t get the script tomorrow, it will throw my damn refill schedule off. UGH. I am so pissed. And because of the new narcotic regulations, they can’t fax in the prescription. I am so screwed.

It’s 1435 EST and I just realized I have not had lunch yet. Think I will make some eggs and toast. Then I got to do some reading.

Random 231

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain

I spent the day sleeping. I haven’t been sleeping well the past week, mostly due to pain. Today, I think I pretty much got caught up on it. I just hope I can sleep through the night. That is always a challenge when you take a 3 hour nap during the day.

I haven’t had dinner yet and I am not really hungry. What I want (cinnamon rolls), I can’t have, so think I am just going to take my meds and go back to sleep.

I have been following Wil Wheaton’s wife, Anne for a while now. I don’t really know why I followed her on Twitter. She just cracks me up and I need laughter in my life. She fostered a puppy 6 weeks ago and she is the cutest puppy I have ever seen. It has been a pleasure watching her grow up. When she was first found, she was only 5 pounds and skin and bones. She was very malnourished. Now, she is 19 pounds and is getting bigger. If you are on Twitter, follow Anne to get more PUPDATES (as she calls them). They will make your day.

I haven’t been on Twitter as much since Deflategate has run rampant. Every one and their mother is commenting on how the Patriots cheated. But how could they have known the balls were deflated when even the refs were handling them?? It is just stupid media gone wild. I mean, even the Discovery channel posted a commentary on it. THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. Who does that?? People who want money, that is who. I just wish the investigation can conclude and there be an end to this madness. You know it is a circus when even the baseball writers want a piece of the action. It’s just ridiculous! I rather go back to the regular Twitter feeds of ISIS beheadings, the Boko Harum capturing Nigerians, and other injustices of the world.

Tomorrow, a snow storm is supposed to hit. I might have to go out in it to go to my father’s to fill his medication boxes. If it is really bad out, I might wait until Sunday.

I think it is really funny when I get kids junk mail. Today I got a booklet of kids stuff for 5 and younger, wanting me to subscribe to their thing. I just trashed it. My youngest is nine and I don’t think she would like kids stuff.

So I have been participating in a study using a phone app. It’s about mood behaviors. And it’s supposedly keeps track of everything you do with your phone. I’ll do anything to help researchers know what it is like living like this. It asks a bunch a questions every day, once a day. Then it calculates your walking for the day. I walked 17 minutes today when I went out to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. It was the only walking that I did. Yesterday I had zero because I didn’t leave the house, or rather my phone didn’t leave my room. I don’t know if it counts the stairs that I do. It would be great if it did but I think it just senses motions through GPS outside the house. Oh well.

My pain has been minimal today, though now that it is night time, my ankle is starting to act up. I didn’t do too much today so I don’t understand why it is bothering me. But then, if I knew the formula to make it stop hurting, I wouldn’t be in pain so much. Who knows, maybe I could sell it and be rich.