Tag: suicide ideation

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.

TG issues 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, suicidality, transgender

TG issues 4

I brought up my transgender issue with my therapist today. I really feel like if I go ahead with the process, there is no going back. But then what happens if it turns out to be a huge mistake. I will just end my life. My mother today called me “Miss” and I nearly lost it. I feel like I am drowning and no one is noticing or cares.

I asked my therapist how I am a transgender and she said she doesn’t know, basically. She gave me a lot of what I termed, bullshit answers. I don’t really remember what the actually words were, I just heard Blah blah blah. I feel so isolated and not having anyone to talk to about this except my therapist is really getting hard.

I have been thinking a lot about ending my life the past few days. It never goes away. I always seem to think about it when I get into this mood that I am in. I got my fucking menses, again. And I just can’t deal. I really can’t. It’s like the last straw. I want to cut ties with everyone and just go do what my thoughts are telling me to do. I should not have to live like this but I don’t have a supportive family. Hell, I don’t even have friends that I can just call up and talk to. Being disabled really took away everything I have so why not just end my life? What purpose do I still have being on this earth??

SuperBowl Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, depression

SuperBowl Sunday

Been thinking about what to write today. Nothing has really changed since yesterday, though my stomach feels better. I found a pair of glasses that I thought I lost last night while looking for the Lincoln DVD. I have no clue where the hell this disc is. I have looked everywhere for it. I might have to buy another one. Then I will find the old one. Isn’t that always the case?

Last night I had an anxiety attack. I took a pill to calm down, showered, then tossed it up. Yup, I got sick in the shower. First time that happened. It took me a couple of hours to finally take my night time meds. I don’t know why my stomach was so topsy turvy. I didn’t eat anything that was bad. I guess it is just nerves.

My father is driving me crazy. He called today saying he has a bruise on his abdomen. That usually means his blood thinner is too high. A snow storm is supposed to hit the next two days, starting tonight. I don’t know if the office is going to be open tomorrow. My Tuesday schedule is probably going to be all screwed up because I most likely will have to take the bastard to the docs. And I can’t say anything to my sister about the bruise, but I need to borrow her car to take him to the appointment. I am so sick of coordinating his medical care.

Last night he was in one of his moods, the pick on me moods. He saw my haircut and just started laughing. Asshole. And then he wants something from me?? He is the king of jerks.

Going to read as much as I can today. I have less than 300 pages to go with the Civil War book. I figure if I read at least a chapter a day, I might be able to get through the book sometime this month. I want this book off my bed by the end of the month, so that is my goal.

I’m listening to country radio, which keeps going from stereo to non stereo and it’s annoying me. I haven’t been able to find the right “spot” to prevent this from happening. But oh well. It’s music and that is all I care about.

I don’t know why I was so anxious last night. It was awful. I was extremely annoyed and irritable. I guess things were building as my aunt made a comment about me wearing my hat in the house. She wanted me to take it off, or just be a bitch. I am not sure. But it annoyed me. Then my father made his remarks. I told my niece Happy Birthday and left. I couldn’t take being the butt of jokes anymore. I don’t know what the hell my aunt’s problem was. It’s not like I have not worn the hat in the house before. I always wear it so I don’t get the big fucking deal. And I refused to take it off. But my father was watching the whole charade. Totally pissed me off. Guess it started with my other aunt calling me “missy” several times, which totally made me so fucking pissed, but I didn’t say anything. I fucking hate my ‘family’ so much. And then people wonder why I want to kill myself.

Shit Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Shit day

I haven’t decided if I am going to take a shower or not. Think I will wait to see if my stomach settles down. I feel awful. I looked for my Lincoln DVD and was unable to find it but I did find some suicidology books. I will add them to the pile that I have for them because I don’t have space in my bookcase yet. I am glad I found them because it gives me something to read other than the Civil War book. I was reading “Definition of Suicide” but that book is really taxing. I have to be really alert to pay attention to it because the vocabulary is quite unique.

Today was going okay until my bowels decided to explode on me. I just barely made it to the bathroom. A combination of coffee and laxatives has caused all hell to break loose. I am debating taking some Imodium to try and calm things down. I hate when this happens because I can’t do a damn thing. I have to be near a toilet or I risk shitting myself. I was supposed to go to my father’s but it’s freezing and icy out. My middle sister is going there now to do his laundry. I asked her if she could do his meds for me. Guy will go berserk if the box isn’t filled up. He is such a pain in the ass.

Ankle is still bothering me but I haven’t taken any meds for it. I am afraid of getting back up again if I do. I hate getting backed up and then have the explosive bowels. I usually don’t get them but damn, when I do, it’s bad. I guess I shouldn’t have had the coffee but I was feeling sleepy and needed to be awake. Today is my niece’s birthday. She is turning 19. The party is at 4 and I hoping my stomach settles by then. I was so hoping to get a shower in but damn bowels have left me feeling weak. I should probably take a nap but I really don’t want to. I have been having strange mini dreams today, mostly involving suicide of someone in the dream. I really don’t want to go back there.

I am still trying to get reviewers for my book. If anyone on my blog wants a FREE, signed copy of my book, let me know. I will send you my book in exchange for a review. Warning the book is powerful and may make you cry. I had two people tell me this. I wrote it from the heart.

There is supposed to be another damn storm coming in from tomorrow night into Monday morning. I hope I still have therapy Monday. The appointment is at noon. I hope the snow has stopped by then. If it is really bad out, I will cancel. I am not going to risk a fall.

I have been in a strange mood the past 24 hours. I feel really down but not really. I just want to die, to cease to exist. My cousin’s mother passed away this week. She and her son has been on my mind. I got him a sympathy card and plan on mailing it on Monday. She was a good woman.

I have been thinking of writing again on my co-authored book. Trouble is that I don’t know what I did with the list of phrases to work on. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Or I could write some more about suicide. I like that topic best. It is my muse. It is something I write well in.