Tag: suicide ideation

feeling broken

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Today I have been thinking about Lincoln. I read a passage in the book I am reading and one of Harvard’s psychiatrist mentioned that “no mere prescription [can teach us] about how to live a successful life in the face of suffering”(Lester Havens, MD).

I admire Lincoln for working through his suffering yet being successful in what he did. It was so painful and others around him could see and palpate his pain. I think if Lincoln grew up in another time period, he might have been either institutionalized or he would have killed himself. He would not have become the 16th president. But I think, as I am a depressive myself and can totally relate to what he went through, even if antidepressant were available, he would not take them. There have been notions that he might have dabbled in laudanum or cocaine even, but give his strict stance on temperance, I sincerely doubt he would have used any type of drug to ease his suffering. In fact, given the his profound pain, I think he would have ended up overdosing on these. I have thought of making laudanum. There are recipes on the internet on how to make it but it takes time, like all things. And you need the right equipment, though this equipment is much cheaper than that used of say a meth lab. I doubt I could do it, not with my family around, especially as I would need the darkness of the basement to “cook” the stuff in. My brother in law would find it as the basement is his area. I don’t think he would take too kindly to me having a little space to make something illegal. But I have thought about it. Mostly, I just wanted to make the stuff to OD on not to really use as a pain reliever.

I still am broken up about the violation my therapist did yesterday. I am trying not to think about it because I know ruminating about it is not going to help. I have thought of writing her a letter, but seeing as I don’t see her in person and it will be a week or so before she gets it, I don’t think that is going to help me. Yes, I might read it to her on Tuesday on our next session. But I have to stifle these feelings until then and it just doesn’t seem right. I know she didn’t mean to harm me. Hell, I didn’t even think she would KNOW how to get on the web with her phone while we were talking. But the little nitwit did. I have texted her saying she is in deep shit with me. That somehow made me feel a little better as we can open the session with that. But I don’t know how to get through the weekend feeling like this. I know I will, I always do. I am going to the Bon Jovi concert tomorrow so that will get things off my mind, least for a day or so. My only worry tomorrow will be standing too long and getting dehydrated as we are in the middle of a heat wave.

I can’t help but feel broken inside. The one person that I trusted the most in the world violated it in three minutes. She even read the other blog that I didn’t want her to read. So that makes two blogs she read without my consent. I don’t know why I didn’t stop her or say something while we were talking. I know that if were talking in person this probably wouldn’t have happened. She might have goaded me into getting the blog on my phone and sharing it but that would have been different. I could control what she saw. I guess that is it, I feel out of control in a situation I should have had control of. And the blog didn’t contain anything real worthy of the violation. It wasn’t as if my safety was in jeopardy. I just jotted down some thoughts that I thought would go into a suicide note. That is what started the whole “let’s read the blog then” action. I think her possessiveness is getting out of control. Everything I write she thinks is free rein to her. I wrote a letter to Dr. Jobes and she wanted me to read it to her. I was like sorry, it’s not addressed to you so you do not have permission. She wanted to get behind the thinking of the letter but I had the letter at home and there was no way for her to get at it. It wasn’t like I was waving it around in her face or something. I just don’t know what to do. I am stuck with her as no other therapist wants me in the area I live in. They are too afraid of my suicidality. The hardest part is that I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about this because I don’t see her till next Friday. And I don’t want to email this to her because I just don’t even know what to say. I don’t even know if she (my therapist) truly did violate boundaries. And even if I did call my pdoc, you know she is going to say just work it out with her. Or wonder why I am calling her (pdoc) to begin with.

I guess in this age of blogs and internet there are no more boundary limits anymore and I never thought for one second I would feel this way. Makes me wonder if I should stop blogging all together and just keep a written journal.

constriction and rationality

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Been in an angry mood today after therapy. I just realized that if I kill myself on the date I was planning on, it won’t mess with the statistics like I thought it would. I tried to find another Friday with a 17 this year and there isn’t so now I am permanently retired with the suicidal planning, for now. I am so friggin pissed off. And to make it worse, my therapist talked me into another fricken session for tomorrow.

I’m listening to Bon Jovi to try and calm down but it’s making me a little more agitated as I really love their music and sing along to it. But it is distracting me from writing. I might be a little hoarse tomorrow from singing…

I got up early today and made myself breakfast. I had like two hours to kill before I had therapy so decided to get my coffee earlier than I usually do. I had to do something as this heat is intolerable. I am stuck in my room because it is the only cool place in the house. AND I am bored as hell. I might watch a movie today or MASH. I haven’t had my MASH fix in a while. I miss seeing Alan Alda and the guy that plays Frank Burns. It cracks me up. And I need some laughter.

I just read a blog about a parent that lost her daughter to suicide recently. The girl was 23 and was in med school. She wrote a two paged suicide note so suicide was on her mind for quite some time to write such a detailed note. Funny, with all my planning, I thought of writing on but I have yet to do so. I figured when the time came I would do it. I would have to write several, for each family member, except my father. He doesn’t deserve one. Nor would he be able to read it as he is illiterate when it comes to the English language. I don’t know how he has been in this country for more than forty years and has yet to pick up the basic words or even try to learn the language. He speaks it ok but now that he is older he some times forget to speak English and will rattle off in Italian. But I digress…

I don’t know what I would say in my letters. That I am sorry that I couldn’t be around and take the pain anymore. That the depression was too much and I couldn’t stand it. That no one is to blame for my death. My treatment team did the best they could in treating me but still couldn’t get through this resistant depression that I have. No medication really worked. I still suffered despite being medicated. No hospitalization worked to the full effect, especially the last few times I was in. The whole system is a failure but that is another issue. I love each of you dearly but sadly that love is not enough to suffice the pain I feel every day. Even with the courageous help of my therapist she couldn’t break through to me that I mean something to someone. I am a nothing and always will be.

Something like that anyways. There will be no need to mention that I feel like and was meant to be a boy. It just seems like a mute point. I know that I will never be a male nor will I ever be seen as one. I will always be seen as a daughter or a sister. And that is painful to me.

My therapist said that I am being irrational even though I am feeling rational because I am so constricted with feeling suicidal. I do feel rational. She even went as far as calling me borderline psychotic. I had to laugh. I do feel rational about my decision to kill myself. It seems logical that if I am suffering as much as I am, I have the decision to end my life because I want my suffering to end. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. Like that girl that killed herself, I am happy for her because she is no longer suffering. I know her parents are and her friends. Depression hurts. There is no denying that. It affects more than just the sufferer. My therapist was trying to get me to see that I matter to people but I don’t think I really do sometimes. I think I am the scumbag of the universe and I deserve to die. I don’t know why I think that way but I do. Even with the accomplishment of having 10,000 readers, I still feel useless. I might help one person with my writings but I think about the ones that I can’t reach. Like the people that ask questions about cauda equina syndrome. Those people are more at risk for suicide than those suffering from depression alone. But I guess I can’t save the world.

hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Feeling a little bit better today, not as gloomy. I still feel depressed however. I just can’t seem to get away from it. I wish the highs would return. I miss them.

I am the worst grilled cheese maker in the world. I tried, again to make one and burned one side while didn’t cook the other enough so it was soggy with butter. Or maybe I just put too much butter. I don’t know but I suck at making this meal. I even burned my gums because the cheese was hot. OUCH. I don’t think I will be making anymore grilled cheese any time soon. I’ll just have my mother make them! LOL

I am close to making a milestone with my blog. I got another 30 or so views to go before reaching 10K. If I do this before Thursday, I would be happy, least for a little bit. Thursday marks the one year anniversary for my blog. I am kind of excited that I will have 10K. I have been giving updates on my facebook page with the countdown and also with my Midnightdemons facebook page. I even got to reading my own blog because as I have said before, I don’t always remember what I write. Even when naming a blog I have to go through the search to see if I named a blog this already. I have over 300 blogs to far so it is hard to remember sometimes what I write.

Right now, I am working on another paper for Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). I have noticed that a lot of people find my blog using search terms for CES. I think it would be a great idea if I had a fact sheet or something to tell beginners about this or those that have been newly diagnosed. It can be very terrifying to get this diagnosis and sometimes people just don’t get the care that they need or worse, don’t get diagnosed at all. I won’t go into specifics about the condition but if you are reading this and want to know more, go to http://www.caudaequina.org to learn more about this devastating condition. I have been living with this for twelve years and through my support group, have learned to live with it better.

Today I am supposed to go out with a friend to the movies. He is an eye doctor and works where as I am disabled and don’t work. The last few times he has paid for the movie tickets and I just got the popcorn (which can sometimes be as much as getting the tickets!) But this time I am short on funds. I have just enough just to get my Ativan prescription filled and then that is it for the next week and a half. I will be totally broke. I find it totally humiliating that I am again without cash funds for the third month in a row. I have tried budgeting this time and it didn’t work. When my check comes in, I have bills to pay and food to get. There usually isn’t a lot left over. I might have to cut my Starbucks fund but then I NEED my coffee and need to get out of the house so I can’t really cut my fix. The whole money thing is depressing me. I wish I was still collecting the long term disability but I owe them because I didn’t know you can’t collect SSD and LTD at the same time. So the money I was supposed to get, they are taking until my balance is cut off. Which will be in about twenty months from now, in which time, I probably will be off it. I don’t know what I am going to do then as there is no way I can afford to pay them with my SSD. I guess by then I can start working part time somewhere and have a little extra but I can’t do that now, especially when I am having splits and psychotic symptoms.

I have my meeting with my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of glad I do. I just am having a rough weekend. Thoughts of killing myself are still in the back of my mind and I so want to go through with it. I am just so tired of fighting with myself every day on trying to keep myself from going through with it, tired of putting on a “happy” face so my family doesn’t know I am depressed. Just so tired in general. I know I probably should be in the hospital but they will just kick me out in a few days if not two weeks. It’s really hard to stay past that length of time. The insurance just doesn’t want to pay. I get letters from my insurance (while in the hospital) that “Dr. so and so thinks you should be discharged but if you feel like this is wrong and need further care, talk to your attending doctor for an extension.” I’m like, really?? I am in the hospital and you send these to MY HOME. How am I supposed to refute what you are writing. Though my favorite is when these letters arrive AFTER discharge!! It is comical though not really. Not like I want to really stay in the hospital but I think some time there is beneficial. I don’t have to put up a façade every day like I do when I am home. I can sleep most of the day without it being too disruptive. But I would be lost if I didn’t have my games and my cell phone with me. I guess that is why I fear going in the hospital. I don’t want to lose access to my phone. I would hate not having music because I don’t have a separate MP3 player. It is my phone. I would be so lost without listening to music while in the hospital it wouldn’t be funny. And then trying to have a check in with my therapist would be impossible. I have had that happen to me one hospitalization where I couldn’t get a hold of my therapist and my therapist couldn’t get a hold of me because the floor phone was busy. I hated that. And the only reason they deny you using your phone is because it can take pictures. Like really? I am going to take picture of this place or a fellow inmate? For what? I am not the idiot that has to post 90 thousand pictures on Facebook or twitter or Instagram every single day. I use my phone for its use and for checking email. Sure I will be on twitter and Facebook but it will just be on MY status updates and not someone else’s. I won’t say that John smith is having a bad day and took a nutty and had to be restrained. That is not my place to. Though I did have one hospitalization that a patient actually kicked down the metal door of the unit. That was scary. He was a BIG dude. I was scared of him. He was kept mostly sedated for that reason after that. He was also psychotic. But now that I am thinking about it, so was I. He kept talking on his ipod thingy or maybe it was his phone, I don’t know. But only he was allowed to use it and the rest of us wasn’t. Totally not fair!!

So I guess that is why I am resistant to going in the hospital. I won’t have my cell phone to listen to music and make calls, check emails, and play my games. Seems right to me!

Splits

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Splits

Lately I have been feeling like I have been losing what is left of my mind. I have been having some strange symptoms, like when the sun goes down, I turn into a villain. Every thing that is me changes to this wicked gloomy, suicidal, depressive self. Since I have been more aware of it, it has been happening less. I have been trying to get on a sleep schedule but my Sox team is on the west coast so have late games. And depending on how they do, I can get really excited and agitated very easily (as my tweets will prove). I just don’t understand why I get this way. I am not under real stress. My pdoc suggested it is because I am lonely? I find that unlikely as I don’t feel lonely. And the fact that it’s usually in the wee hours of the morning I am writing death letters and such more so than during the day time hours. Night time hours, I become a lunatic. To off set this, my pdoc wants me to take a standing dose of Ativan. I feel like she doesn’t grasp the situation at all. I did ask her if I should take some trilafon, a medication I am more familiar with, but she doesn’t want the side effects of that med with the other meds I am taking. So I will try it tonight and see if this offsets what I have been feeling the last few nights.

I didn’t change my bedding like I wanted to. I just got really tired when I came home and was really hungry as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I will tomorrow as I really have nothing to do except go out for my coffee. I will change my bedding so it can be washed before I leave the house. I wish someone would put the sheets back on the bed for me. Taking them off I don’t mind. That is easy. But wrestling with the sheets to put them back on, wears me out to no end! I figure I will change the sheets in the morning when I get up, take a shower, wash the sheets and comforter, and then go out for coffee. I will then have my jave to juice me up and give me the energy I need to wrestle the bed. I used to love changing my sheets when I was a kid. It would take me a long time to do it because I would play with the mattress first. I would make a fortress and then jump all over the place pretending I was defending my home or something. It went on like this until I made an awful jump down on my bed and misjudged how much room I had with the windowsill. CRASH. I nearly gave myself a concussion. Gave myself a good bump on the head. No more playing after that.

I had a bladder accident today. I should know by now that a venti coffee fills my bladder up completely and that I should go to the bathroom afterwards. Because I am not aware that I am full, thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome, I dribble some urine out due to overflow. The worse part is that I don’t even feel it or that my pants are wet. Very embarrassing. I came home to a nice mess. I texted my therapist, why should I live??

Well as this is my second blog of the day, I will stop here so that I can read some more of Lincoln’s Melancholy. Maybe he can give me some inspiration to continue the fight.