Tag: suicide ideation

Morpheus, Where are you??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Morpheus where are you??

My stomach ache is gone but my foot has exploded so I had to take strong pain pills to kill it. I really would have loved to shoot myself in the foot. Least the pain would be explainable. But I would probably take the gun to my head instead at this point. I am feeling really poorly because I can’t fucking sleep. I have taken my regular pain meds, Ativan, and now the strong pain meds and I am still fucking awake.

I looked over my finances and the money I got paid yesterday is gone. I have only a hundred dollars to my name, which will be half that after I pay for my prescription later today and my T pass. I shouldn’t have bought groceries but I needed food, even though I am not eating very much these days. I think I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks because my appetite has been nothing. I have been eating just one meal a day and that has been it. I don’t feel hungry. And you would think that because of the weight loss, my pain would be less. NOPE. If anything, it has increased!! One physiatrist told me that even if I was my “normal” weight, I would still have back issues. Course, she didn’t say that in her notes. She said that I should lose weight. Talk about contradiction. If losing weight is supposed to decrease my pain, why does it increase it? Doesn’t make any fucking sense. My therapist would say I am the exception not the rule. I hate when she says that. She is reckless, like the new Martina McBride song. I can’t wait to get the lyrics because I think the song is perfect for our relationship. It’s not available on Amazon right now and I am pissed. I hate iTunes. It always crashes the computer.

I can’t take my pain anymore. I am going to go through with my plans this weekend. Fuck it. I am done. It probably won’t kill me but at least I will be seriously knocked out. I just need a fucking escape and I have it and I am going to use it. It is a done deal, for right now. I may still change my mind but I doubt it if this fire that is burning is still going on. I will text my therapist before I do it. Or maybe I won’t. Will be kind of stupid if I did.

It’s getting cool outside but it’s still hot in my room so I have the ceiling fan on. It’s a comfortable coolness in my room that I like. I will probably be cold in the morning but oh well. I am comfortable now. Why can’t I sleep then?? The meds have kicked in though now I am feeling nerve pain. I have found that I will have intense fucking physical pain and then when the opioids kick in, my foot/ankle will burn like it is on fire. Neurontin is the only thing that extinguishes these fires but I can’t take it now or I will be foggy brain later today and I need to be coherent because I have to see my “lovely” father.

When I saw him yesterday, he was speaking mostly Italian. My middle sister couldn’t understand a word he was saying. I don’t think she ever really grasped the language like I did when I was taking it in college and in high school. I may not know ALL that he says but I can get the gist of it, if he talks slow enough. If he talks fast, forget about it. I am lost. Maybe I should invest in the Rosetta Stone to learn Italian because he is going to be speaking it more as he ages. I think he thinks he is speaking English sometimes because when you tell him to speak English, he has a confused look on his face like “huh”?? And then he is silent because he is searching for the English translation to what he is saying. He will also talk slow like we are retarded or something. It’s very frustrating.

I am feel loads of pain in my left ankle down to my toes. The peroneal tendon must be inflamed because that’s what it feels like. I had a good pic of the tendon but I have no idea where it got saved to. The spasms that I had earlier before my foot exploded must have triggered the tendon. Fuck. I wish I could just cut the sucker out and be done with it. I am so sick of being in fucking pain.

Every morning a little after 0100, I get a text from the Twitter account of Dilbert. I love the comic strip. It makes me laugh. Very few things these days make me laugh but Dilbert does.

I feel like having ice cream now that my tummy feels better but the effects of the strong pain pills is starting to make me feel woozy. It funny because I will feel high for about 30 seconds and then I will just collapse. This happens to me almost every time I take it. It’s very rare that I am able to fight the effects of this medication. I hope Morpheus finds me and I can sleep. I just hope he doesn’t bring me dreams about Jobes again. Those are weird. Dreaming about a psychologist that I respect a great deal and then following him around like a puppy? No thanks, Morpheus.

Parts and Loss

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Parts and Loss

I was remembering today how crazy I was to my work email. I had it on my phone and of course, my home computer. I had to always be ready to answer questions. Now when I get a notification from my personal email, I am thinking it’s from a friend or my psychiatrist when in actuality it’s the bank wanting an equity loan or some other “junk” mail. I am getting more and more junk mail than I get from actual people. It makes me feel less connected in the world and just fuels my suicidality.

I had my therapy session and she really annoyed me today. We were talking a little of everything, including my suicidality. In an effort to “know” where I was coming, she kept questioning where these “parts” were coming from. She kept on naming Hyde and Jack and then when I answered no, she asked if someone else was in there. I was so pissed off. I felt like I, the ME part, didn’t exist and she was just dividing me up. It was so frustrating. I threatened to hang up on her if she continued with this line of questioning and then I got the “sigh” and I was tempted to hang up right then.

I feel like she just can’t take my suicidality and has to put it on a “part” so that we can deal with it or not. We never, over the course of 15 years, did this before. It wasn’t until Hyde showed up and keeps showing up that she thinks this. I don’t think this. I am in control of my thoughts and selves, if you want to call it that. It just pisses me off when she thinks something more is going on and there isn’t. I don’t know how many “I want to die” statements came out during session today or some variation of it.

I told her what my plan was. I don’t know why I did. It’s not like she can stop me. She doesn’t know the date I picked out. It’s just a mystery to her for now. I need an escape and I am going to get it, dammit. I really just don’t want to live anymore. I am tired of being in pain, physically. Dealing with my father was just the icing on the damn cake. He always makes me feel so worthless. I am nothing to him. Just his “secretary” as he calls me. I was going to make another damn doc appointment for him, but fuck him. I’ll make it next week sometime.

I never usually threaten to hang up on my therapist. But today, she was just so annoying. Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood. I feel like she was playing games with me or something trying to figure out if there were other parts in play, I really do. Or just trying to piss me off so Jack would come out. And the fucking sigh afterwards when I told her I would hang up on her. I could almost see her face as she made it. I wanted time to be over, right then and there. Then the wise ass said I have the floor, meaning I could talk about whatever I wanted. Isn’t that what the hell therapy is about?? I talked more about wanting to die. I just feel like she just wasn’t hearing me today for some reason when I was telling her this. Like it was going in one ear and out the other. I just got no response whatsoever. I felt like my words were empty, which only made me feeling worthless more so.

We talked about my writing and how I wanted to read a psychology book to do research. I know I can go on the web, but I want old school. I need the book and the highlighters. There was a good psychology book that I had when I was studying psych 101 by Zimbardo. If I can’t find my copy (only God knows where it is), maybe I will buy another. I really don’t even remember the name other than having psychology in the title. I think it was co-authored with his wife, but I could be wrong. This is going back almost 20 years ago.

She asked about my writing and that is how the conversation went. I think I talked in greater detail about my ideas in the previous blog so I won’t repeat myself here. She always inquires about my writing. My psychiatrist too. Today I learned from this writing book that people will do that not to annoy the writer but to see where they are in the writing process. I always felt guilty because I feel other than writing this blog, I don’t write anything else, usually. I journal, sure, but that is the same as blogging with the exception of it being on paper rather than the web. They are my outlets. But I haven’t touched a story for my book in months. I might have played around with the technical stuff, like fonts and inserting number pages, but that is all. No writing. The book also says that you should read with a critical eye. I did that with a book I got off Facebook and found myself editing as I was reading it. I couldn’t finish the book or get past the first few pages! There was so much I could change with it, it wasn’t funny. But it wasn’t my book to be changed. It’s the first book that I ever gave up reading.

Three Mississippi

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I’m feeling really depressed right now. All the events of this afternoon’s session has hit me. I don’t want to fucking live anymore. I should do what Hyde wants and just end things. I just can’t handle being in pain every single day/night anymore and my mental bar keeps fluctuation toward good and bad. I am sick of it. Sick of it all.

I am so pissed off. I don’t know why I let my therapist talk about Hyde. I knew it wasn’t a good idea but what the hell, she is the professional, what do I know. I am stuck in this suicidal mindset. Time is ticking. I have already chosen a date and this time I am not telling my therapist the date. I am hurting too much and I want to end things. I would do it tonight but I have to settle things with my damn father first.

I have been listening to Terri Clark for most of the evening. I heard “Three Mississippi” and it reminded me that I am past the number 3. I have given myself a lot of Mississippis and I haven’t gotten anywhere. I have tried to get help but it doesn’t matter. Year after year I still fight the urge to kill myself and I am so damn tired of fighting it so I am giving up. My life is just not worth living anymore.

I know my therapist will be devastated. I have tried to warn her to drop me but she still holds on. She should have dropped me years ago. I don’t know why she didn’t. I will see her one last time the week that I die. I have tried everything I could think of to keep the demons at bay but they are just too powerful for me. She has tried, too. I just can’t be fixed. I am too broken.

Article Review: Working with Suicidal Clients

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Article Review: Working with Suicidal Clients

I have to say that this article was not what I expected. It was an overview to the special issue the journal Cognitive and Behavioral Practice was having. The authors of the article described briefly what each article was about, which left me looking for more articles to add to my collection. But the take away message was that suicidal clients are to be treated as individuals and not as a “one size fits all” treatment modality.

Cognitive therapy has been moving up in the suicide chain as being helpful to suicide clients (Jobes, 2015 presentation AAS). DBT is also as it has helped a lot of clients with borderline personality disorder.

I found it interesting that there was a safety planning section. I googled it to try and learn more and there was a website for it. I downloaded the form as well as the training manual. It might come in useful in my therapy. I didn’t need the article to get to the form. It is similar to many other planning tools used by cognitive therapists. The thing I don’t like about it is that it is a sheet of paper that can get lost or misplaced. It also has the potential of not being used if the client is not near the paper when a crisis is at hand (e.g., at school versus at home). The author for the brief article has stated that therapists are slowly moving away from “no harm” contracts and moving toward safety planning. The reason being that “no harm” contracts have not been shown to be effective and may increase the likelihood of suicide. Also, simply making a promise not to kill yourself doesn’t really hold up well legally.

Ellis, T.E. and Goldston, David B. Working with Suicidal Clients: Not Business as Usual. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice (2012) 19: 205-208