Tag: therapist

Super Coffee Buzz

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Super Coffee Buzz

Woke up early this morning, again, because of pain, again. My right hip doesn’t want to get better. I was doing okay and then woke up Saturday morning with this pain and it hasn’t settled down. I took a couple of pain pills and now it is less as long as I don’t move too much. This so sucks.

So I got up and made breakfast. I made an egg and toast, my usual. Then I wanted coffee so decided to just use two scoops of coffee instead of 2 ½. And the coffee is still strong. I feel like I am high the coffee has me in a buzz that good. I know it will wear off in an hour or two. But man this feeling is incredible. I feel like I can do anything. So I am going to type up the book today. That ought to keep me focused and maybe I can write some more.

Yesterday was not a good day for me at all. I had woken up in pain and things went downhill. I couldn’t sit for more than a few minutes, couldn’t stand longer than a few minutes. It was terrible. All because of pain. So I slept most of the day, or tried to. By the end of the day, the pain had lessened a little bit. I didn’t see my father because I knew going up and down the stairs would not be good. I will see him today as he is staying with my sister until he recovers from surgery. Hopefully, the drain that is in him will come out this week. I just tried to call for an appointment and the lady is running late. I hope that my father can be seen this week. It will be terrible to wait until next week for a post op appointment.

Just texted my therapist to see if she has any openings today. I feel like I need to talk to her. Things have been piling up and I just need to vent. I also need to know if she read my blog that I sent her. I think it will be important for her to read before we talk.

Aside from being up on coffee and low on pain, I am having a good day so far. I think that I can accomplish a few things today, as long as I don’t take a nap. I already have been playing in my games. I had to so that I can finally advance in my missions. I still need to buy horseshoes to complete a mission because the mission is old. But there is nothing I can do about that right now as I don’t have the money to purchase the damn horseshoes. Maybe when I get money for my birthday.

I was telling my mother about a cake that I was planning on making and she deterred me. She said that it takes too many eggs (6) and will need a bigger pan than what is called for. I don’t care. I plan on making it anyways, just to see how it will come out. If it comes out sucky, I will never make it again. I still want to try and make 7 Up biscuits. That requires a little more work even though there are only 4 ingredients. And I hate kneading dough so I am not sure I will make it. I might corral my niece, who likes to bake, to make them for me. I still have to buy the ingredients. I have to do shopping my next paycheck if I want to make these goodies, and pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. My sister made pumpkin whoopee pies for Thanksgiving and I didn’t have one because my back was out and I couldn’t stay long for dessert. I know I would have loved it.

Up Early Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up early again

I woke up around 0530 with back pain. I don’t know when this pain is going to go away. I could see what if I was doing something stressful, but all I was doing was sleeping. It is so annoying to wake up in pain.

When I woke up, two things fell off my bed and scared the crap out of me. It was my portfolio and a book. They made such a loud noise in my quiet room. I will pick them up later as I can bend down right now to return them back to where they belong.

I had such a long day yesterday that I couldn’t think of anything to blog about. Words were escaping me because I was so tired. I dealt with my father for 6 fucking hours. That was enough to drive me to drink. He was so ornery and deviant that I could have choked him. It’s a good thing I have patience with him otherwise I would have told him to fuck off and left. I really, really can’t stand him and I know it is only going to get worse as he gets older.

My mood is kind of low because I have not been having a good night’s sleep the past few days. I don’t know why I can’t sleep past six hours. But being in pain doesn’t help. Last night, before going to sleep, I started coughing really bad. I think I am getting sick so I am not going to be around my father today. My sisters can deal with him. I don’t know why I am so congested.

I really want to write my therapist a letter but I don’t know what to say. Things have been difficult between us lately. And she is clueless, as usual. I will try and talk with her about this on Tuesday when I see her. I might be able to take my sister’s car and visit her. But it will all depends if this congestion goes away or not. I don’t feel sick, but I just have this stupid cough.

I hope my therapist reads the last blog I sent her. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. That makes things difficult because then I have to try and remember what the blog was about or worse, read it to her. That annoys me. I hate reading what I wrote. The difficulties we are having is that she keeps panicking whenever I bring up thoughts of death or suicide. Soon as I hear her voice change, I can’t talk to her anymore and I shut down. I feel like my feelings have no where to go and I get frustrated. The frustration just makes me more depressed and makes me feel alone. It drives me crazy that after 14 years of working together, she still fucking flips out over my suicidality. For once, I would love for her to accept it and explore it and possibly question it so that maybe it won’t haunt me so much. But I don’t think that is ever going to happen.

I was shocked, really shocked, when they were doing some pre-op questions for my father, they asked if he was in danger of hurting himself. I wanted to laugh and say he was too narcissistic to want to end his own life. But it seemed strange to ask him that right before he had surgery. I mean, if it was me, what were they going to do, put a watch on me while they operated? So stupid sometimes when they ask these questions. There are times when it is appropriate and other times when it is not. I mean, I get that suicide is an important issue to try and capture but I know that if the answer had been yes, things might not have changed. I just don’t get why they would ask something like that right before being operated on. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I just had cookies and milk for breakfast. I really wanted to make some scrambled eggs but couldn’t be bothered. Yesterday I made them so very good. I put in three slices of cheese. I love when they are cheesy. I really want to have a poached egg but I suck at making them. I always break the yolk and then there is no point in eating it because the good stuff is gone. I like the yolk more than I like the whites. I also made a good cup of coffee yesterday. I was going to have a second cup at Starbucks but declined when I got to the station. I didn’t want to be jittery when I saw my father. That would have made things worse.

pissed off therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Pissed off therapy session

I took a nap before my therapy session which probably wasn’t the brightest idea in the book but oh well. I usually wake up just before session but this time I overslept and woke up to the phone ringing. Rats! I really wasn’t looking forward to talking to her today, especially after what “didn’t” get talk about yesterday.

I told her I didn’t see the point in seeing her and she told me this was a “place to process things”. I laughed. Really? Because that hasn’t happened in ages!! She dropped the issue and I didn’t want to pursue it anymore as I could feel my anger rising. I seriously don’t think she has a fucking clue as to how I am doing anymore. We spent the majority of the conversation talking about how many spoons are going to be spent dealing with my father over the next few days. That is all she seems to want to talk about lately: Spoons. “Spoons” is another word for energy spent on stuff. I got it from a lady with Lupus and you can read the article here. I thought that paper she wrote was typical of all that I go through on a daily basis, from getting dressed, to taking a shower, to making breakfast, etc.

Lately my “spoon” supply has been low and I guess dealing with my therapist just drains it lately. By mid session, I am wanting out of talking with her. I can’t stand 50 minute sessions with her anymore. They are driving me crazy when I don’t feel like talking. And I don’t feel like talking not because there is nothing to talk about, but because I am tired of the way therapy is. I thought that after a while, I would find therapy helpful and insightful. That it would bring meaning to my life but those are just fantasies that never get fulfilled. Granted the last 10 years have been tough with my suicidality and such. But you would think by now she would be used to it and handle it better. She doesn’t and it just makes me shut down. I feel more alone with every passing session because the one person in the world that should know me, doesn’t. I kept thinking about the Mockingbid song my Rob Thomas. The lyrics are stunningly close to how I feel about therapy. The Chorus is right on target:

Everybody else is smiling
Man, their smiles don’t fade
You don’t even wonder why
You just don’t think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere
We can’t move on and we can’t stay here
Maybe we’ve just had enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing
Man this life seems hard enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

We have tried everything to keep this therapy going. Consults, different therapy avenues, etc. But they never seem to help. I might get a transference session in where I talk about what is wrong with everything but then the next session is like I didn’t speak at all. Things are back to status quo. It really pisses me off. Now I am just hounded by thoughts of whether I should be here or not and I am again alone in dealing with them because my bozo therapist is too anxious to hear what I have to say. She doesn’t listen and she just talks the talk in circles now. I am not asking her to cure me of my thoughts but not having a place for them is really hurting me. But I understand that therapists have their own shit to deal with. But I just once wish that my therapist of 14 years would take a Xanax and let me talk. Otherwise, I think I will just give up therapy once and for all as much as it pains to be even type these words. There is getting nothing out of it if you cannot share your inner most, darkest, thoughts.

I have been down this road with my therapist for some time. It is a well beaten path. I just wish she would restrain herself some and listen more to what I have to say than get all bent out of shape when I mention suicide, or being gone, or leaving therapy. A seasoned therapist should know how to do this by now and I shouldn’t have to write this blog to get the message across, yet again…

Thirteen Years Later

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Thirteen years later

I started writing a little bit about the attacks on Sept 11th, 2001, but then I realized I am not a political individual and my opinions may not be heard without some come back. I do know this. After thirteen years, our troops are still not home and maybe fighting another battle in the years to come. Now the enemy seems to be ISIS, whatever that stands for. I see the reports on Yahoo News on my twitter feed. Each day I realize that we are getting closer to another world war. I hope I am wrong for my nieces and nephew’s sake.

I had my appointment with my father today. Appointment was scheduled for 0930. An hour later, we see the doc. Never fails. It went well overall. But I am tired because I didn’t get my coffee this morning. Because my bus was late, I had to get coffee at the convenience store. I didn’t have time to walk to Starbucks.

I was able to remember the power cord to charge my laptop in case it became low on battery. But you think I remembered to bring my phone charger? No. It didn’t occur to me until I got to Starbucks and was checking my FB feed. I still have time to go home and get it but then, by the time I get home, it will be time for me to go back out again. I hate having an appointment so far apart from each other. But I rather be in Starbucks than at the hospital. I went to the one in my home town rather than the one in Boston. No need to stay in town when I can be elsewhere and won’t bump into people I know. Someone at the docs office recognized me from high school. I never seen her before nor did I recognize her. I didn’t even get her name, but she knew me. Oh well.

I desperately want a nap. I might ride the trains to kill some time. I slept really good last night, until my alarm woke me up at 0730. I forgot to pack my lunch that I made before going to bed last night. Now I will have to buy lunch. But I am not hungry as I just had breakfast, LOL.

Another day that goes by that I don’t make an effort to get my car out of the driveway. I need to call a junk place and get it out. They will actually pay me for pick up so I don’t know why I am procrastinating. Google will give me at least 10 places I can call. I just don’t know what to say. I have problems talking with people on the phone. I rather text or email them. But for this, I just cannot do that. I did call one place before I went into the hospital, but they didn’t call me back. They were going to pay me at least $200 for the car. Oh well. I will get another place. At this point, I really just want the car gone. It is literally falling apart and won’t survive another winter sitting there.

The temp for today was supposed to be in the 80s and humid. It is neither. There was also a call for rain but now it’s been pushed to the evening. I am glad because I hate carrying my laptop if there is a chance of rain. But when I left the house, it didn’t look like rain and the weather was in the upper 60s. I hope it doesn’t get to be 80. My back will hurt big time. That is one thing I hate about the temperature changes. Drastic shifts always cause my spine to hurt. I have arthritis in my lower back and I can feel the changes in temp when it is 20 degrees or more. Last winter was horrible. I was hurting almost every other day because the temp kept on going from 50s to 30s or lower. Snow and rain don’t really affect me as much. I long for the day when it was just my knees that hurt from the weather. I have moved passed that since my back surgeries, oddly enough, thirteen years ago. Least for the first two. The third and 4th would come five years later.

I have decided to conserve battery power by listening to Pandora as I sit in Starbucks writing this. It’s not the same music that is on my MP3 player but it’s music. I got 3 hours before I have to go to my appointment. Time is crawling. My leg is hurting me with the brace on. I just loosened it so that it’s not irritating me so much. I hate being in the AFO all day but it’s better safe than sorry as I am trying to avoid pain. I am not walking or anything. I am just sitting while I am typing this. It annoys me that I can do nothing, yet still be in pain. Drives me bonkers.

Just got a “trend” alert about Gmail. If you use it, please change you password immediately. Hackers were able to publish 5 million passwords online. I just changed mine, though I hardly use it since the privacy factor is gone. I still have it just in case someone uses it. Now it’s mostly junk mail I get. I also had to change my therapist’s password. I had set up an email for her so she could read my blog but it never worked out. Turns out texting her the link to my blog works better for her. She is not tech savvy.