Tag: transgender

ramble 072

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Ramble 072

I had my therapy session today. She was overwhelmed with the amount of letters I had written to her while I was in the hospital. We talked a lot about what transpired in the hospital while she was on vacation. I don’t remember if the letters contain what my stay was about, chances are they will give more detail than I can remember.

After my appointment, like my routine goes, I went to Starbucks and actually did write up the short story I wrote while in the hospital. I was hoping to add to it while typing it out but no such luck. I just have a little over 500 words. I don’t even think you can call it an essay.

I forgot how I wrote the short story piece. It was very personal and yet depressing, leaving me feeling like I was boxing myself in on purpose. But it wasn’t clear why I was doing so. Sure, I gave a few reasons but it still wasn’t clear what it was that was causing the pressure to build up, fueling the suicidal feelings and depression that went with it. I know that if I answer this question, I might be able to write a longer piece to place it in my short story book. I am not going to publish it as a blog because I want some part of my book not to be blog entries. Right now, ALL of my second book are blog entries. I know, real original.

I didn’t walk too much today than my normal route to and from Starbucks. I did have to stand a bit while waiting for the bus that was late. It didn’t come till almost 20 minutes later. That is a long time for me to be standing. Luckily, I bumped into a former co-worker and we chatted while we waited for our respective buses. But I guess standing for that length of time, my leg is hurting me. And I still had the block and half walk home from the bus stop. My foot and ankle are swollen like I have been on them all day and they hurt. I just hope it doesn’t keep me up at night like last night and the night before last. I have been waking up in the wee hours of the morning in pain. Last night I waited out my night time meds and I was still up till three in the morning. Luckily, my niece came to my room around 9 to say her good-bye to me. She is leaving for college today and will be now spending time in her dorm. She is not far, she still will be in Boston just not at home so often. I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. I miss her terribly already and she has only been gone since this morning.

I am feeling depressed today but I have forced myself out of the house today and I felt a little better. I was able to get a seat at Starbucks, one with a table for two rather than the large common table to write. I was sitting on the bench side but had to move to the chair because the cushion was like a water bed. Every time someone moved, you moved with it. It was making me seasick. I am glad I forced myself to get out of the house. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it after my therapy appointment because I was down and tired afterwards. Therapy can be draining at times. Though today it wasn’t that bad because I was just getting caught up of what was going on while I was in the hospital. She too frowned at the thought of the case manager (CM) trying to stop me from being a suicidologist. In fact, with me writing another blog for the AAS, I am sure she (the CM) would be having a fit right now. But I am free from her clutches. She just doesn’t understand suicide the way I do. She thinks it is triggering. But really it is not, if you see things in a clinical type of way. And I mostly read professional articles on suicide, not so much people’s blogs about how they attempted to kill themselves or that they are going to kill themselves. I know my blog is about that. But it is my blog and I will write what I WANT. No one is going to tell me what I can or can’t write when it comes to my personal experiences on suicide. I struggle too much with the thoughts to give a damn what people think and if it is too much for them, then go find another blog to read. There are many out there that has nothing to do with suicidal thinking or chronic pain or struggles with being a transgendered person.

In fact, I am struggling right now with the TG issue because I had to stop my birth control pill to have a mense. I was getting too many days of discharge and it had to be done. Supposedly, I am only supposed to go three months on and one week off then continue. I can go for up to four or five months without having to have a break. And I am hating it because I have to wear female clothing and feminine products. Not to mention the bleeding that messes with your mind. But no one understands this except another FTM (female to male) person. I really need to find another transgendered person to talk to about this because it really does a number on me mentally. I know they exist somewhere. So if another blogger knows of one, please comment so I can get to know you, if you are comfortable doing so.

wondering if it was all a dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

wondering if it was all a dream

I took yesterday off from blogging. I was in too much emotional pain to get my thoughts together. I emailed my psychiatrist today to tell her how I was feeling. I see her Friday but my last message to her was about how suicidal I was. I wanted to tell her that has lifted a bit but I still have a profound depression that is rearing its ugly head. I also wanted to let her know I got my fucking menses again. For the past several weeks, I have been dealing with the self-hate of being TG. Now having my menses are just fucking with me and my self-worth. I came pretty close to doing something this time. I had the suicidal impulses and that to me was scary. I didn’t do anything, other than take an extra Ativan to calm down the perturbation/impulsivity. Most of the suicidal thoughts are gone since I started menstruating, which isn’t supposed to happen because I am on pills to stop the fucker. But I still am in tough depression.

So I emailed my psychiatrist and told her, plainly, what was going on. I bet she probably figured out before I did that my suicidal tendencies were due to hormonal shifts. I did tell her the next time it happens, I might not be so lucky. One would think that because I have no job, that writing has become more than a hobby for me, and that I keep myself occupied, I shouldn’t really be depressed. MYTH! I could be deeply depressed even if I was working a full-time job. I know, I have been deeply depressed for years when I was working full-time. Now my writing has taken a little more of a hobby capacity. It has become my livelihood. You could say that I am living because I blog. But after a while, I can’t think of something fresh to write about and the depression hinders my thinking. I panic when this happens. I never know when a depressive episode is going to land me in the hospital. I know my hospitalizations have decreased over the years but I still need one a year, lately. It is just a way for me to recharge my batteries. I hate going in because it sucks waiting in the ER for a long time. I get bored and have to try not to use all the battery on my phone because reception sucks and it drains it all. I usually bring myself to the hospital because I don’t want my family to know. Should I be in the hospital because of this last suicidal episode? I don’t know. I am not feeling like ending my life as much as I did this weekend. My therapist was confused about the texts I sent her. It wasn’t a clear SOS. But then, I always become deceptive when I am suicidal. You can’t kill yourself if a professional knows the 411. Course, if I sent the same message to my pdoc, it probably would have landed me in the hospital. My pdoc doesn’t mess around.

I still wonder why I am still here. I should be dead with how heavy the suicidal thoughts were a yesterday. Course yesterday feels like it was ages ago. I am not saying I lost time. I was fully present throughout the day but now that I have my stupid menses, those heavy thoughts are no longer there and I am wondering if it was all a dream. Every time I get those experiences, I often wonder afterwards, was it a dream. But I know from the texts and blogs I wrote it wasn’t.

My therapist read the therapy and coffee blog that I sent her. She is a little embarrassed about it because I make her sound like a nut job. That wasn’t my intention. I asked her if she wanted me to take it down. She said no because I am free to write whatever I feel like writing. But now I am wondering if I should write a blog about lyrics and therapy. I worked hard on the coffee blog. I would hate to take it down.

Saturday blog 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Woke up today in pain. Took some Ativan and went back to sleep after waiting a while for it to kick in. I played some computer games on Facebook. Right now I am listening to the Sox play.

I made French toast for the first time in a long while then I made my coffee. I finally have the right ratio to water/coffee to make it perfect. I really enjoy a good cup of coffee.

I am feeling down today. My cousin called me and wants to go out to eat tonight. I told him I would but I have a feeling he will be canceling on me. Any late dinners usually is canceled for some reason. He said that if he cancels he will give me a haircut Tuesday. I don’t get it. We’ll see what happens. Either way, my mother is making pork ribs so that will be good.

I hate feeling so low for no reason. I can blame my sox because they made 3 errors today but that wouldn’t be fair. Beside baseball usually makes me happy, whether they win or lose.

I know I should be editing my writing or at least, maybe, write something new. I have been getting the itch to write but I just can’t seem to scratch it. Nothing is coming to me. My writing partner is in town. We were supposed to meet up tomorrow but she had to reschedule. Now it seems Tuesday we will meet up. I am kind of nervous about it. I just hope that I remember to bring her my book. She is in the acknowledgement and without her, I doubt I would have the courage to write and publish.

I am getting a migraine. I am so tired. I should sleep some more but my head is just hurting too bad. My family is up north having a pig roast. They have one every 4th of July. I was thinking of going but it’s in the woods and I don’t want mosquitoes to bite me. Plus it’s an all day affair and I know I would be bored after an hour or two. Then I would be stuck there as there would be no way I could get back home as I don’t have a car.

A friend of mine from Scotland read my book. He wants to Skype with me but as much as I would like to say I am tech savvy, Skype eludes me, always has. I know I have it on my computer with the video cam but I have never used it. I feel self conscious about online video. I have image issues so even though someone might give me a compliment, I don’t believe them because my brain just tells me otherwise. I don’t say this to the person of course as it will just spark an argument.

I just turned off the ceiling fan as it’s a pretty cool day today. Finally have a rest after the storm that hit yesterday. Luckily, no power went out in my area. It is pretty windy today, probably just remnants of the storm.

I finally took a shower today after not taking on all week. I had no inclination on taking one because I just didn’t feel like it. It’s hard to take any self care when you feel like killing yourself.

4 July 2014

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

4 July 2014

I am feeling better than I was yesterday. I am a lot calmer and not so jittery. Course, I didn’t have coffee today. I was too lazy to clean out the French press. I really didn’t feel like having a cup of coffee today. I slept really late and usually when I do, it’s way past coffee time. If I do have a cup, I will be up all night and last night I was up till 3. I don’t want a repeat of that.

My text numbers are going to be up this month because I am back at getting notifications from the Wheatons. They make me laugh with the stuff they post and I missed hearing what is going on in their lives. Wil has the Wil Wheaton Project and beer brewing going on. I am hoping to get another bottle of Wootstout again because it has chocolate in it!! Last time I tried to get it, I got the very last bottle in the store. I also want to try the Stone brewing Company IPA. They rave a lot about it in their tweets. I am not a beer drinker. Hell, I don’t even know what an IPA is so it will be interesting to try.

Because it’s Friday and the weekend, I don’t have to have a session with my therapist today. I am happy for that. If she ever works on Fridays again, I am setting a limit with her, otherwise, I might end up meeting with her 5 days a week! NO, NO, NO!! Not going to happen. Luckily when she was working Fridays, I had something called work to keep me busy. Now I have nothing.

I talked with a fellow blogger friend last night that helped me calm down enough to get to sleep. I was having a really hard time as thoughts of suicide were rampant in my brain. Even as I woke up this morning, I had thoughts of killing myself. But for the first time ever, I also had visions of being saved. That is weird and never happened before.

My foot is still hurting me. I have resolved to take one pill a day until next week when I can fill my script. This sucks. I have been thinking about going back to the hospital next week but it won’t do me any good. I will just do what I want until they kick me out. I know what to say to get out and I know what to say to stay in, though lately, that has been elusive and doesn’t always work.

I see my pdoc on Monday and I hope my menses are gone by then. It seems I just had a little discharge and that was that. Nothing more has become of it. But this bugger can be tricky and it has fooled me before. It went away for a day and then I was bleeding lightly. I was so fucking annoyed. I still feel like I am on a precipice. If I get my menses, I am afraid it will kill me and if I don’t, I will feel relieved. Trouble is, I am on my last week of pills so the perfect time to skip a week would be now. But that is just inviting the heavens to open up to kill me. I don’t know what to do. I think I should skip the week and then be done with it. Maybe it won’t be so bad and I can handle it. But if the bleeding is bad and I can’t handle it, I am screwed. I already have been having cramps. Not bad or anything, but usually that is not a good sign either. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this that understands and can give me some advice. Next week is going to be tough, either way you look at it.