Tag: transgender

a writing ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, transgender

A fellow blogger wrote a blog today about “why write depression every day”. It got me thinking about why I blog every day. Most of my post have to do with depression or pain or some combo of the two. It’s very rare that I don’t write about my feelings of the day, unless I am on a specific topic.

I write every day because it makes me feel better. Blogging is the one tool that I use to express myself. Sometimes it is received favorably, other times, not so much. But I don’t care that much for the likes or comments anymore. I just write anyway. It takes me out of the dark hole that I am in and brings me closer to the light. Writing has helped me deal with the darkness more than therapy has in the last ten years. I like that I can write and express what I feel, no matter how dark, and I find that I am not the only one. Others have feelings like I do about being depressed and suicidal.

Last night, I was talking with some people on the SPSM chat on twitter. It was very interesting. I would love to have Jobes on twitter but I don’t think he will ever be for it. The talk was how to get more therapists in to social media. And that is a tough thing to do. Hell, I have a therapist that is against email so how am I going to get her to twitter? Probably not. There was no specific topic about suicide just about how to spread social media out to mental health professionals. It was an interesting discussion.

The one topic that I am hoping to get around to one of these days, is transgender and suicide. I think it is a hot topic that needs to be addressed by professionals and is just getting ignored. All my therapy always focused on my abuse history but if they saw me, they would have known that I am gay and that I was hurting because of it. Asking questions, in the right way, to a transgender person can be life saving. I wish someone had asked me rather than me coming to the realization 30 years later. I could have had treatment a lot sooner and I could have been happier. Now I am stuck in a body I hate and that I still want to kill. It just isn’t right. Even though my psychiatrist has known me since I was 17, she still thinks of me as a “her”. I almost died when she called me a “girl” at our last appointment. I don’t know if she is baiting me to correct her or she just is ignorant. I have been thinking of writing her an email about it but I don’t think that will solve the problem. I think I am always going to be a “female” in her eyes.

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

BookCoverImage

Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.

wallowing in my suicidal mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide

Today has been a sucky day. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. But my sister asked me to pick up my niece and so I went only to find out, I didn’t. She had already picked her up. I would say that was a waste but at least I got some exercise in that I was planning on doing anyway. Now I can take my meds and just chill out.

My mother pissed me off this morning and this afternoon. This morning her alarm clock went off because she forgot to shut it off. Then she called me while I was trying to nap asking me if I was going to make her supper. WTH. I am a cook now? I don’t think so, not unless she wants scrambled eggs, which is what I plan on making for supper. Just because I had energy to make dinner last night doesn’t mean I can do it every night.

Therapy went horrible. We talked but we didn’t. I didn’t bring up the reasons why I felt so suicidal. I did tell her I was and she asked if it was because of the TG stuff. I just couldn’t bear to bring up the stuff again. Then she asked me toward the end of session if she could read my blog. I said no at first, but I sent it to her anyway. I don’t know what I am going to do this weekend to take my mind off feeling suicidal. I might go out tomorrow for Starbucks. I don’t know though. All I want to do is just sleep, and never wake up. I really just don’t see the point of me living anymore. I wish the pain medication that I have didn’t have Tylenol in it. It’s the only thing stopping me from taking the bottle. I would hate to survive the OD and end up with liver failure. But I have other stuff I can take. I just don’t want to do it at my home. I rather go to a hotel or someplace and OD there. I could always hang myself but I am not good with knots. My luck it won’t be tight enough and I will slip through. Sure I have other thoughts but nothing that I can concretely complete. I feel so small. I just want to hide away from everyone. I have another stinking session with my therapist tomorrow and it’s too late to cancel, not that it would work. She has the policy that I can’t cancel, ever, unless there is a good reason for it. And her knowing that I am suicidal is not a good reason for canceling. I feel like I should call my pdoc and let her know what is going on but at the same time, I don’t want to call her because she might hospitalize me. I don’t think I am there yet. I could be in a week or two, but not now.

My blog has crappy stats today. I only have 6 views today. I have been spoiled with recent views of 40 or more per day the past week. Yes, I am a number nerd. But I love the way WordPress compiles the data. One of my blogs has done extremely well and I keep track of it daily. But today it hasn’t had a hit. First time in a few weeks this has happened but the night is still young. The blog is also a chapter in my book.

Funny how I feel suicidal but I don’t feel Hyde’s presence. Hyde is the dark side of me that likes to come out and write suicide notes. I really think I need to be in a special zone to have Hyde come out. Right now I am just suicidal in my own realm. I want to die but I don’t have a plan of action. I just am wallowing in my suicidal mind. I like it there. I can come up with a million scenarios on how I can kill myself and maybe one of them I will go through. But right now I am just planning, or thinking about planning. it is what I do best.

what would be the point

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, transgender

I still am not feeling myself. I feel very suicidal and every bottle of pills looks like an answer to me. I am trying very hard to resist the urges but it is very difficult. I got my new pain medication and the pills are smaller. They will be easier to swallow but I am trying not to think about that. My therapist will have an earful when I talk to her tomorrow. I am glad we have an extra session on Thursday, too. Seems like I always need more sessions when I am suicidal than when I am doing “okay”. But I never seem to be okay. I am either in a suicidal mood or a depressed mood. There isn’t a normal one anymore.

I tried to talk with my editor last night about how my book is coming and got no where. This waiting SUCKS!!!!!!

I decided I wanted potatoes and hotdogs for supper tonight so I am cooking them now. The potatoes will take forever so I am hoping in an hour I will have supper. I have the dogs thawing so they will be easier to cut.

I did a lot of walking today. I tried to walk off my frustrations about last night but it didn’t help. I am still suicidal. I am not hospital bound suicidal though. Right now I am just thinking about it more than I should. I don’t plan on acting on it, though I think if something were to push me further, I might. I was talking to a blogger friend last night before my meds conked me out. It was a good chat. She was trying to validate me being a guy. But there shouldn’t be any type of validation, I should just be a guy and that is that! I am a son not a daughter! I am so confused. But every time I bring it up, so does the suicidal thoughts so maybe I shouldn’t talk about it. I am just exhausted from dealing with it. I am exhausted from walking too. My foot is going to thank me later, I just know it.

I got a new blog follower that is a psychologist. That makes two that I have. I feel kind of honored. I don’t know them outside of my blog, which is good, but then, I don’t know half of my blog followers anyway. All part of being anonymous.

I don’t know what I am really going to say to my therapist other than she put me in a tailspin of suicidal thoughts all because she wanted me to move forward with my TG issues. I think she thinks it is an “easy” solution to my suicidal thoughts…deal with the TG and then you decrease the suicide thoughts. I wish it worked that way but it doesn’t, and it failed miserably last night. I am so out of sorts I haven’t even texted her today that I am so miserable. I thought about sending her my blog but what would be the point. It would be similar to my TG suicidal mind blog and that I am ashamed. She brought that up last night and it hurt like hell. I don’t know why I felt hurt but I did. But then, a lot of stuff hurt me last night and the realization that I am never going to be a guy hurt more than I can ever write about. I could let it go but what if my suicidality gets out of hand and she has no clue why? I know she is not that stupid but she is more for containment of my suicidal thoughts than dealing with the whys. In fact, I think most clinicians think that if they magically deal with suicidal containment, then they don’t have to deal with the why. It’s all messed up.

I am glad I don’t have therapy today and maybe I will text my therapist later tonight that I am having a hard time. Maybe I won’t. I am still wicked pissed at her. She knows how the TG stuff activates my suicidality sometimes. I just can’t believe she would do it and then not assess me afterwards. That part drives me crazy. Granted I wasn’t immediately suicidal after session but as the night wore on, I found myself having more and more suicidal thoughts. Hence why I wrote that blog. Maybe I am the idiot here.