Tonight I was brushing my teeth before bed and when I came back to my room, my ankle and back were screaming at me. It set off my frustration gears to suicide really fast. I can’t do this anymore. It’s one thing to battle with voices and shitty depressions, but to be in constant physical pain just wears you out. I am done.
I haven’t told anyone. I started ranting on Twitter and then someone responded with “do I have someone to talk to”. I responded with “why bother”? It’s not like someone can really help me. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I was fed up. And then I started crying. I don’t know why. I guess my frustration got the better of me. Once the weather cools off some, I will go through with my plan. It’s not fool proof and there is a possibility of being rescued but I am hoping I choose the time of day where there is apt to be less people around.
I found out today that one of my neighbors died in her sleep. She was 89 years old. She had moved to a place that her son thought was safer for her and she died alone. I feel bad for her and her family.
Everyone is talking about the upcoming election and all I can think about is how I am not going to be around to not cast my vote. I hope to be gone by the time September comes around. Or maybe mid-September. I don’t know. I would do it tomorrow if the humidity wasn’t going to be 90. All I did was stand for less than five fucking minutes to brush my damn teeth. It had to be done because I forgot to brush them yesterday. My mouth was starting to feel like a sewer. Plus I had popcorn tonight and wanted to get the kernels out of my teeth. Unreal. I am just so upset. I could see if I did the second staircase today like I wanted to. Then that would be cause for me being sore, but I didn’t and I was well rested. I don’t understand how I can be in pain. I just don’t.
I hope my psychiatrist responds within the next couple of days. She is still on vacation so I know she is not going to respond right away. She might not respond at all. And I am so pissed my therapist didn’t call me. Sure, we are talking tomorrow, but I wanted to talk to her today. I left her a message saying to call me today. It really bothers me when she doesn’t because then I think she doesn’t care about me. And that hurts. If my psych was available right now I would be paging her.
I just don’t know what to do. I am hurting on so many levels despite taking my meds. I took my pain meds with my night meds tonight because I was hurting. That was at 2000, three hours ago. I am still in pain but not as bad. It’s like maybe a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10. That kind of pain is my “normal”. But it’s annoying the crap out of me tonight. The throbbing is what drives me crazy. And it doesn’t help that my right hip hurts because I was standing for five fucking minutes brushing my teeth. I don’t know what to do with this pain because nothing makes it goes away. It comes and goes on its own.
I sincerely hope that come election in November I am a pile of dust somewhere in Massachusetts.