Starting the day off in pain

Starting the day off in pain

I woke up late this morning due to pain in my ankle. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up in pain. I took my pain meds and was debating on going back to sleep but decided to make coffee. It was really good and took away the drowsiness of the pain meds away. I felt energetic so I took on a task that I have neglected all weekend: cleaning the stairs. I was doing fairly well until the last four or five steps. My back decided I had enough but I wasn’t done yet. I had to rest before I finished the stairs. Then I swept the area around the stairs as they haven’t been swept in a while. I then vacuumed up the dust and stuff rather than trying to get it in a dustpan. I was done for the day. My back thanked me kindly and I went back up to my room to rest.

I have been reading Twitter. Nothing interesting is going on. I called my therapist as I wanted to talk to her but she is booked. I told her to call me if she got a chance. I just feel like I need to talk to someone because I am losing my mind with pain and the thoughts of suicide are hanging around more than going away. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about ending my life because I can’t stand not being able to do things without pain. Even taking a shower hurts me.

I printed off the disability pass document because I have to renew it. I will drop it off to my PCP’s office on Friday when I have my appointment. Friday is going to be a long day for me because I see the NP in the morning and then I have PT in the afternoon for my Achilles problem. If it causes me more pain than what I am already in, I won’t go through with the sessions. I just can’t bear more pain.

I was going to read Adler today but I am just not up to reading and concentrating. I might read the mindless book about fieldstones. This guy talks about stones a lot in this book. Basically a stone is a note that you write when you have an idea for a book or the book you are writing. Why he just doesn’t say “notes’, I have no clue. It’s getting wicked redundant but it’s mindless reading so I don’t mind it. I might read some Dostoevsky later tonight. The Sox are off tonight so I have plenty of time to read. I just wish I had some motivation to read Adler. I am sure I could finish the chapter today if I did.

My psychiatrist is still on vacation. She won’t be back until next week. It will be good to see her. I will need a refill on my trilafon by then. I hope she changes the order to taking it twice a day as it seems to be working better for me than taking it once a day. I can reach her via email if I need to. If my therapist doesn’t call me today, I will email my psych. I haven’t emailed her since last week when I was in a rut and agonizing over what to do because I was in pain and suicidal. I really wanted her input as the voices were out of control and so was my pain. It was like a double whammy of things going on at once. But me getting all worked up because of pain anxiety got the voices going too. It just is a bad situation. And to make things worse, my therapist is on vacation the next two weeks starting next week. For the first time in 16 years, I am having anxiety over her going on vacation. It’s like my routine is being taken away from me for two weeks and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I do have PT while she is gone so I have some structure but it’s not the same.

It’s another humid day so I am staying in my AC’d room. I don’t really have to go out today, though I still want to get some burgers and hot dogs so my rolls don’t go bad. I wish the meat market sold the hot dogs I like but they don’t. So I need to go to two different places to get these items. I wouldn’t dare go out given that my back and ankle have been screaming at me the last couple of hours. Maybe tomorrow I will go, if I am not in too much pain.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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