Locked Doors

I had therapy today. I had texted her late last night telling her I was pissed at her because she didn’t call me. I felt like she didn’t care anymore. She texted me this morning to say sorry and that she didn’t get my voicemail message until this morning. I really didn’t feel like talking to her. I was in such a mood. I woke up weepy and was crying for at least a half hour for no reason at all. I was in pain again so I might have just felt defeated. I would have taken my pain meds but I couldn’t as I had to talk to my therapist in two hours.

I wanted to tell her how poorly I felt last night and how suicidal I was but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I did mention that I was suicidal but she didn’t inquire about it so I just let it go. I thought it was funny that she said I had walls all around me. She also said that when there is a topic I don’t want to talk about I “lock the door and throw away the key”. I felt like saying, isn’t it your job to find the key and open the door?

We have tomorrow’s session as out last session before she is on vacation for two weeks. I told her I might have PT but I am thinking about cancelling it because I just feel so hopeless. I mean, why bother if I am just going to kill myself in a few weeks. My writing friend told me today her friend’s sister died either by suicide or OD, which to her is suicide. The sister apparently got into drug use so it’s unclear what her intent was. I wanted to tell my friend that I would be going to, but I didn’t.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night and I started crying by the time I got to the end. I was just so frustrated by being in pain. I haven’t heard back from her. I don’t think I will. I had my coffee today so I won’t be going out. I don’t know when I will work on the Adler chapter. I just find it hard to think and concentrate on stuff in my room versus at Starbucks. It’s not like I am bothered in my room anymore than I am bothered at Starbucks. But it’s just a different feeling you get when you are out and about.

I woke up in pain again today as I think I have mentioned. It’s better now that I took my meds. I don’t know why I can tolerate the pain better during the day than I do at night. At night I just fall apart. For the second time in two weeks, I have seriously contemplated ending my life that night. If I had a vehicle, I know I wouldn’t be here right now. Last night all I did was brush my teeth and I was seized with pain. I couldn’t have been standing for more than five minutes and I was in so much pain as if I had been standing all day. It’s just getting intolerable. I see the NP this Friday and I know she isn’t going to do anything about it. She isn’t going to care that I get like this. She is just going to go over my med list and then print out my prescription and it’s going to be “have a nice day”. I have learned not to talk about my depression with her because she doesn’t get it. She thinks I should just exercise more or find a hobby. How the fuck can I do that if I can’t even fucking brush my teeth without pain? I am just fed up beyond what I can tolerate. I don’t even think a hospitalization would do me any good because no one care about my pain. They just care about the suicidality and my mood. Then once that “stabilizes”, I am discharged. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist when she is back. Maybe then we can deal with this mess of pain and mental illness.

Last night I was ranting on Twitter. Someone asked if I had someone to talk to and I told them, why bother. That person didn’t respond back. Typical Twitter. You can never have a conversation, a serious one, on there. I don’t know why I post. I guess it’s easier than posting on Facebook.

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