I spent a couple hours inputting the edits/changes to my book. Now I just need to write seventy-five pages to complete the book. This is if I don’t kill myself between now and the next month. I planned another date but I have therapy tomorrow so it might be curtailed. Because the holidays are next month and my next paycheck will be after the holidays, I won’t be able to see my therapist like I had hoped. I might be able to see her the week of my birthday but that will be it. I just can’t afford gifts and Zipcars.
I had a cup of tea and I think it’s causing me to not be sleepy. I did take my pain meds a little while ago so I am hoping I will sleep soon. I really don’t want to talk to my therapist. I didn’t ask for this session so I think it’s unfair that she has set this upon me. I am going to really rip into her for doing this.
I feel like this book is my second memoir as it’s mostly about my psychotic experiences. I did have some really cool delusions. It was fun to write about them, but I am sure it wasn’t fun while I was going through them. It’s usually very scary and I distrust those closest to me until the meds kick in and then I am in my “right” mind again. It was strange as I had written about my traumatic experience that brought me into therapy while listening to a song written by Taylor Swift that I swear represents my father to a T. I had it on repeat and while going through this one story, I was remembering the feelings of that night that I had written about. I couldn’t believe just how threatening my father was that night. It was then that I realized he was just a man.
If there is a song that I really love, I usually send some lyrics to my therapist. I really love Sam Hunt’s song “make you miss me”, but I can’t send her the lyrics to that one because she will have the police at my door if she can’t get in touch with me. The lyrics are powerful and I love them. I have the song on repeat right now because I want to sing the damn song without messing up on certain parts. It’s always towards the end of the song, I screw up. I will get it one of these days.
Facebook had “suggested” a publishing page for a Neil Gaiman book. I have it on Kindle but this was a leather bound book and it looked really cool. I clicked on it to see how much it was and it was fucking $100! No thanks! I will stick to my Kindle version. It had an excerpt from the book and now I am kind of nervous to read it because it talked about monsters. I don’t like scary books. His American Gods book had me freaked out. Took at least a week for me to get the images out of my head when people in the book were gruesomely killed or something weird happened. He is a brilliant writer but on the very weird side. I wanted to get his new book Troll Bridge but it’s a graphic novel. I don’t know what that means but I am guessing it is not my cup of tea. I have yet to go to the bookstore to look at it. I think that is what I am going to do from now on with his books. Not buy them until I physically look at them. Then I can decide if I want them or not. He is coming out with a mythology book in Feb. That one I would love to have, if I make it that long.
I feel like being suicidal is like living with cancer or something terminal. You just never know when you are going to die by your own hands. It could be tomorrow or it could be next week. I guess it just depends on guts. But survivor guilt has been killing me from going through with it at times. I know it will break my mother’s heart and that of my family, especially my nieces and nephew. Then I got my stupid therapist’s guilt trip whenever I bring it up. She is just expressing her feelings on the matter, which I don’t always take into consideration. I try to block them out because it’s just easier that way but then I really think about what I am doing and it stops the suicide plan and gives me some time. I hate this because I just want to fucking die because I can’t stand being in physical pain anymore.
If you have been reading my blogs the last few months, you may know that I talk about my suicidality a lot. It’s such a hard decision that can’t be taken lightly. Ambivalence is always the deciding factor. I think the statistics for suicide would be a lot higher if people weren’t ambivalent about taking their lives, mine included. Sometimes suicide is a rash decision. But for those with chronic suicidality, it really is based on being ambivalent and hopeful or hopeless about things that either keep you alive or make you want to take your life. With me, appointments with my therapist, as much as she pisses me off, gives me a kind of hope to make it through the day or the week. My psychiatrist is the same because I know she cares about me deeply. We have been working together for more than 20 years so I hope she does care about me after all this time. Next year will be our 25th anniversary. Hard to believe. That is if I am able to make it through the next month or so. Things are not looking good so far. I know I have said this a few times over the last few months and I am still here. One day, I will make good on my promise to end my life, or at least try to. It’s a tricky business trying to kill a human being. I have learned my lesson over the years. You would think that would stop my suicidal tendencies but it hasn’t. I guess I am just destined to dream of killing myself and hope one day it comes true.