I’ve settled down some

I’ve settled down some

I finally stopped crying about an hour or so ago. I was talking with a friend of mine but she had kiddie problems so couldn’t really talk to me. I let her go as I was feeling drained and wanted to sleep. Here it is an hour later and I am still up. I never showered. I am going to try tomorrow morning when I get up.

My groceries came and I had my steak. I shared it with my niece, who ate the whole piece that I gave her. She is a carnivore like me. I wanted to make my cake but I had no motivation to and there is no room in the fridge. I need a space for my cake pan as it needs to be refrigerated. I will probably make it over the weekend. I really want my psychiatrist to have a slice of it to try my baking. I sent her an email so that she knows to bring in my book tomorrow for me to sign it. We didn’t do it last week.

I hope with all this crying I did today, I don’t get a cold. My nose is stuffy, even with my unclogging medicine. I would snort some more but I keep sneezing so it won’t be worth it. I had some whiskey because my mother just pissed me off and today was not the day to do it. I think it might have gone bad as it tasted different than what I remembered. It’s been sitting in a shelf for more than a few years now. I didn’t think whiskey could go bad but what do I know. I don’t drink the stuff except on rare occasions. And today was a rare occasion. I should have had gin. That is my go to drink. Oh well, I can’t have any now because I took my pain meds. I also took some Neurontin because my foot is on fucking fire. God, I hate nerve pain. It’s going to be hours before it goes away so I hope it doesn’t get worse.

I keep thinking of a story I wrote in my book. It’s kind of useless now that my therapist is gone. I just want to tear the story into a million pieces. Maybe I will modify the book so that it looks right and take the story out. But then, I really like the story and want to keep it in. It’s hard. I hate my therapist for putting me in this position. If my therapist friend is able to help me out, then I will give the new therapist a try and I won’t try and kill myself within the next month or so. But if I have to train them in my suicidal prevention ways and they aren’t open to them, it’s over. I’m done with therapy as I told my psychiatrist.

I still am in shock that my therapist just doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. It’s like I nitpicked everything that was wrong and she finally said, okay, I am letting you go now. Who does that?? Instead of trying to work through the issues, she wants me to find someone else?? But yet she still wants to keep in contact. WTF, I don’t work that way. It’s just mind boggling to me that she is doing this. How am I supposed to trust another professional after 16 years of seeing the same one? I don’t get it and it’s so painful. I guess that has been why I have been crying most of the day. It’s tearing me up knowing that we’re through and my therapist just doesn’t see it that way. I’ve gone from intensive therapy to no therapy in a month’s time frame. If I didn’t have my psychiatrist seeing me weekly, I know I would have tried to end my life, especially the other night when things got really bad. I just know that I couldn’t let my psychiatrist down, not without calling her first. Who knows, she might want to put me in the hospital tomorrow. I don’t know. I just know I am hurting as all hell from a therapist I have known for the past 16 years and now wants nothing to do with me except to be an “adjunctive” therapist. What ever the fuck that means.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I’ve settled down some

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    that is so painful. I cant imagine what it feels like. to go from having a therapist to no therapist and no therapy. wow. I hope your psych can help. Maybe hospital is for the best. xxx

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s