Month: March 2017

snow came early so no cereal

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Snow came early so no cereal

The weatherman said that we were supposed to get snow tonight and it came around noon. Fuck. I should have left my house and went to the store to get my Cocoa Pebbles when I had the chance. I was up early this morning, around 0630 and fell back to sleep around 0900. It was sunny then.

My psychiatrist called me back late last night. She apologized as she meant to call me but there was no private space she could talk as she was in the ED all day. She doesn’t want me to feel discouraged about not finding a therapist and that she will find one for me. She also said not to give up. Sorry but I feel that way as I have no fucking luck with therapists. She also reschedule my appointment for today. I will see her on Monday. I had a feeling she was going to reschedule the appt.

When I got up, I had a ton of messages. Today is Transvisibility day so I came out on Facebook and Twitter. I wish I could come out to my mother so I can start my transition but I am too afraid of rejection by her that it might bring me to suicidal crisis. I got a ton of support from my Facebook friends. I haven’t had too many responses on Twitter, which isn’t unusual.

For those that know about Project Semicolon, the founder, Amy Bleuel, ended up dying by suicide last week. It has affected the entire suicide prevention community, including me. I wrote somethings on Twitter about how it affected me. I just wonder if the same fate is in my future. I have been suicidal a ton of times but luckily, I have not tried to attempt. I might have planned my death more than a few times but it gives me comfort more than a way out, so to speak. I told readers this and that if they didn’t know it, they should, especially if they were in the suicide prevention field. I usually don’t give out numbers because my blog is read internationally, but if you are in the US and have thoughts of suicide, you can talk to someone confidentially at 1-800-273-8255 or text the word “help” to 741741. I have used the Crisis text line more than once and find it helpful, once you get someone. Sometimes depending on the time of day, it’s difficult to reach someone but don’t give up. They usually get back to you, eventually.

I hate that I have to wait till Monday to talk to my psychiatrist because I am having trouble with my bladder. Since I have been using my strong pain meds more frequently, I have trouble urinating where starting is not so easy. It take a long while for me to know when I need to pee thanks to my nerve injury but the retention also makes me leak more which I don’t know about until I get the signal to pee and am in the bathroom. It upsets me because I will be wet and not feel it. I then have to shower or change my underwear because I don’t want to smell of urine. It’s just troubling me because it’s been going on all week and it’s been a few days since I last took a dose of strong pain meds. It could be the trilafon causing this as well as I have been on it for so long now. I’d just feel better if I had some input about it. My stream is okay and I am feeling like I do empty my bladder so I am not worried that I need to see a urologist but I might have to, which will suck. I know he will just tell me I have neurogenic bladder and to just deal with it. Not exactly reassuring.

Fatigued ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fatigued ankle

I did way too much yesterday that my ankle is still fatigued. I still taxed it today by going out as I had to get a few things at Walgreens. My mother needed some stuff there as well, though they were out of two of the things she needed. Always happens when things are on sale.

I came home and paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to call her today. She still hasn’t returned the page. I guess she is busy. She will call when she can. I am in no rush to talk to her. I then made breakfast which my ankle didn’t like. I didn’t make lunch. I ordered from my favorite sub place because I wanted roast beef. It was good but I couldn’t finish the whole thing. I will have it for tomorrow.

My mother’s back is hurting her pretty bad so I wanted to make her dinner. She said she is going to have what she made last night. I said okay. Then my ankle started to spasm. I’m no longer cooking dinner and will be ordering Chinese food. I just can’t stand for too long to make the pasta that I want. Fucking sucks. I had to take an Ativan to calm the spasms. I probably will take a nap.

My mood has been rock bottom all day. My ankle feeling fatigued is the worst because there is nothing I can do for it except rest it. It’s not painful (aside from the spasms) but it’s letting me know it’s there, which is annoying the crap out of me. Yes, I know I have two ankles but one likes to say hello more often then the other one does. It’s so frustrating. I hope this fatigue is better by tomorrow because I need to see my psych. I also need to go to my former work place to get my stuff that was in my locker. The manager cleaned it out and is asking if I want my things. I have no idea what is in there as I haven’t touched it in 5 years. Hard to believe I have been out of work for that length of time.

I’m seriously thinking of buying a chainsaw on Amazon and getting it shipped the next day so I can chop my foot off. I am so sick of it hurting so much and causing me grief. Maybe if I am an amputee I can work again or go back to school or something. Now my foot is burning. WTF. If I need to take Neurontin (which I probably will), I will be toast the rest of the afternoon/evening.

Painsomnia is real

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painsomnia is real

I did way too much today, though, to an average person, it wasn’t really a lot. Just what a “normal” person would do in a given day. I am not a “normal” person anymore. So now I am in a lot of pain. I have taken my pain meds but I don’t know if I will need my strong pain pill to take care of the intense throbbing in my foot. It’s more annoying than painful at this point. But it’s keeping me up despite how exhausted I feel.

The cake I made came out good, though there were parts of it where it didn’t cook right. This is my third time making the cake and I don’t know what I did wrong. I might have over beaten the batter, but other than that, I have no clue. It’s still good though and I will be sharing it with my psychiatrist.

I sent an email to my psych today about not being able to find a therapist. I told her I give up as this was my fourth try. She wants me to call her tomorrow. So I told her I would when I got up, whatever time that maybe. She said to call her during the day so we’ll see. I feel like I am in trouble but I know that I’m not. I don’t know why I feel this way. If she was concerned, she would have called me right away. I hope it’s to tell me she has a therapist or maybe to try calling one more time to someone she knows.

I was able to shower today despite my ankle going berserk on me. I felt much better afterwards. I leaked so I had to shower. I hate it when I leak. I don’t understand it though because I am having a hard time letting go of my urine. It’s taking me a while for it to pass when I am on the toilet. Stupid retention. I hope I don’t have to see a urologist about this. I really don’t want to go for testing just for them to tell me what I already know. My pain meds mixed with my antipsychotic are making me retain more. Fucking sucks. I wish I didn’t have a nerve injury. Then I wouldn’t be having this problem.

I had to wait until my mother went to bed to try and sleep but I kind of got my second wind when I went downstairs to see if she put my cake in the cake thingy that she has. I also wanted to bring up the clothes she washed so she didn’t have to. She started washing clothes around 2000. Pissed me off because the noise annoyed me. I don’t know why she didn’t do it earlier. It’s not like she did anything. Just don’t understand it. She could have waited till tomorrow.

I’m not planning on going out tomorrow. I need to rest because I need to go out on Friday to see my psych. That is kind of a hike for me and takes some energy. It’s not a huge deal but I am always tired after the visits. Maybe I will get some Thai food after my appointment. I haven’t had Thai in so long. It’s one of my favorite foods. Shoot, I still need to get hamburgers. I bought rolls but I still haven’t gone to the butcher’s shop for the meat. I will do that tomorrow. Then I can have burgers for dinner, with my honey Dijon mustard. Yum!

cold day but I’m hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold day but I’m hot

It was hot in my room, even with the ceiling fan and window open. I decided to empty my recycles as they were getting a little out of hand. It’s been a while since I took them down to the bin we have. I had to use a big trash bag and I was sweating by the time I was done putting all of them in. My back was killing me too from reaching to grab those that I threw but missed the bin that I have in my room. I don’t know why I bother throwing them. I miss 90% of the time.

I had made breakfast before I got dressed and did the recycles. Unfortunately, I had spilled my juice because my hands were greasy from the bacon and the glass slipped from my hand. I had to wash the floor so it wouldn’t be sticky. I was cursing because I should have wiped my hands before reaching for the glass. Oh well, live and learn, right?

I plan on making my Nantucket Cranberry cake today. I can’t wait as I love making it. I have the cranberries thawing out as they were frozen. I am going to take a slice to my psychiatrist on Friday. She hasn’t had it yet. My mother told me she will be making pork fried rice. I am NOT looking forward to it because the pork is almost a week old. YUCK. I might just eat the rice and skip the pork.

My pain is minimal today. After breakfast, I went to Starbucks to have my espresso. I put in the soy milk like I always do and unfortunately, it curdled so I couldn’t finish it. I ended up getting a caramel macchiato so to have caffeine. I am wired. I should have complained so I could get a free drink but I hate making a fuss.

I had a hard time writing in my journal while I was there. I just couldn’t get going. I only wrote about a page before I ended up leaving it to catch the bus home. The bus was a little late in leaving but I didn’t mind. I was listening to Record year on repeat. I had to listen to it because I heard a Chris Young song that made me think of my therapist and that just got me missing her. I still haven’t heard back from the therapist I called yesterday. I hope she calls me today though it’s getting later so maybe not.

While I was at Starbucks and thinking of stuff to write, I ordered a new foam topper for my bed. The one that I have is falling apart as it’s more than 10 years old. It also doesn’t really support me the way it used to. I hope the newer one works just as well. I was going to get a gel foam topper but I heard gel can cause you to heat up and I hate feeling hot. I went with one that was under $60 so I hope it’s worth it. I also ordered RENT cd to replace what I have. I seemed to have misplaced disc 2 and I really want to hear it. Watch me find it after getting the new CD. Isn’t that how it usually works?

I was talking with my cousin who has depression. She is having side effects from her medication and her psych put her on a brand new med. I am weary about switching and I warned her about potential side effects from my experience and what I read from the prescribing information. It’s a med that will not be right for me because I don’t do well with SSRI’s usually. Zoloft is the exception. I have been on it for a little over a year and it hasn’t made me sick, yet. I get occasional nausea but I think it’s because of post nasal drip/allergies. I need to use Flonase more often to keep it from happening, especially with the blooms that are going to be happening. The trees in my neighborhood I am allergic to and will sneeze my head off if I smell them. I don’t know what kind of trees they are but they form white flowers before they turn to leaves. The flowers give off a scent that I am allergic to. I hate flowers anyway but these kill me every year. There is a new antihistamine on the market that I am thinking of switching to as the Allegra just isn’t working as well as it used to. I am going to try it and see how it works for me. It is expensive though, like all new drugs are. Maybe I can get a prescription for it. I will ask my doc when I see him. I still have a close to a full bottle of Allegra so want to use it up before I switch.