Month: March 2017

Painful Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful Friday

I woke up in pain, again. Normally, I can “ignore” it and go about my day but today it was really bad. I still tried to do things, like make breakfast, brush my teeth, cook lunch but it was at a cost. I didn’t go out today because I just felt really bad. Around 1400, I was getting sleepy and debating on getting dressed to get espresso. I decided to make coffee instead. It was good and it kept the drowsiness away, least for now.

Being in pain has darkened my mood. By noon, I wanted to kill myself really bad. I had to take a strong pain pill because the regular pills didn’t work and the pain was worsening. I tried to go back to sleep but I hurt too much. It’s really exhausting being in pain. I felt like calling my psychiatrist but I didn’t want to worry her.

I have been on Twitter most of the day, waiting on the outcome of the healthcare vote. They should be voting on it now so results should be in soon. I hope they don’t vote for Trumpcare. It doesn’t sound like it will cover anything useful and will just cost people to be more broke than they already are. The vote is in: they have shut it down! ACA stays!! Whoohoo!!

The therapist I called earlier this week still has not called me back. I am going to call her again on Monday and see if I can see her. Otherwise, it’s back to square one. I am getting more and more depressed with each passing of therapists. I find it hard to believe that between a radius of 5 miles, no one is accepting new clients. It is so frustrating.

Today’s my father’s birthday. I posted somethings on Facebook to remember him. Tomorrow my sisters and I are going to a track to spread his ashes. The weather is supposed to be warm. I just hope it’s not windy. That will suck.

My mother is making pasta for supper. I haven’t had it in a while so I might eat it. I am not really hungry as the coffee killed my appetite. Tomorrow I need to make my gravy early as we will be going out in the afternoon. It should take 2-3 hours to cook so if I get up by 9, it should be done by 12. I can’t wait. I love making gravy. Pasta was on sale this week so I bought a bunch of what I like. I will have it tomorrow night. I am not telling my sisters I am making gravy or there won’t be any left for the week! I am not planning on making a big batch as I don’t have that much meat. I still need to go to the butcher’s and get hamburgers. I will do that on Monday. I hope my ankle pain is down by then.

did a lot but didn’t

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Did a lot but didn’t

I woke up before 0500, again. I didn’t want to take anything to get back to sleep because I had an early morning delivery. Luckily, I fell back to sleep within an hour or so. Then my alarm went off and I felt worse. I kept an ear out for my text message and my delivery finally came around 0930. My neighbor had ordered some stuff too, so they delivered to her place first. It was freezing out and like a dummy, I didn’t wear a long sleeve shirt. I froze while waiting for the guy.

I put all my yummy groceries away. I was very tired afterwards. I wanted to eat something but sleep over came me. I went up stairs and crashed. I woke up around noon or so. I called my mother to see if she had taken anything out for dinner. My phone had problems connecting to a landline. It was pissing me off so I used my mother’s phone to call her. She didn’t take anything out so she will have my Shepard’s pie.

I didn’t do much the rest of the afternoon. My ankle was really hurting so I took a strong pain pill. I was in and out of touch with reality. Time went by in a blur. My mother called me a little after 1500 asking me when I was going to start cooking. I told her in a half hour. It’s a simple recipe so wouldn’t take me long to cook. I had everything done by 1630. After we finished, my mother said I had to do the dishes. Fuck. I hate doing dishes and there was a sink full. I rested as much I could before I was getting sleepy again. I almost took a bath while washing the damn dishes and pans. My back was not liking me standing and neither was my ankle. I hurried as fast as I could.

I finished and then went upstairs to rest again. Except my ankle exploded and then got cold because my room was cold. I had the window open all day because my room was a sauna. Now it’s nice and comfortable but it was too cold for my foot. I shut the window and the ceiling fan then threw on my thermal socks. I figured I might as well write before I went back to sleep. I am really tired for doing nothing most of the day.

I never got a call from the therapist I called yesterday. It’s putting me in a dark mood. I got a text from my former therapist saying she got my book, finally. My head is just missing someone to talk to at this point. I really need someone to vent to about my pain, someone understanding and gets it without trying to fix me or suggest things. Dealing with pain the last two days straight has not been good. I’m not suicidal, yet. I just can’t handle the amount of pain that I have been in. Lying down has made things worse so resting has been difficult. I get relief while I sit up. A few times, I have caught myself falling asleep because I am just so tired.

Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. I need to call the church to see if we can have a mass for him near his anniversary that is coming up next month. I wanted to have funds in my account in case they needed a donation or something to do it. Saturday we are going to spread his ashes at the track. I know he would have liked that. Sunday we are planning on seeing my aunt, if she is up for it.

I didn’t get my dark chocolate almond milk with my grocery order, but I got regular almond milk. I plan on having my cocoa pebbles later tonight. I was going to have them after I put my groceries away but I was just too tired. Even now I am feeling wicked exhausted. I just want to sleep. Think I will take my night time meds and call it a day.

no sleep and a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No sleep and a lot of pain

I woke up at 0300 and didn’t go back to sleep at all. My check came in so I bought my groceries and paid some bills. I took a shower as I was in minimal pain. I waited an hour for the next bus to the Square so I could get my espresso and breakfast. I wrote for a couple of hours and then I left to go to my PCP’s office so I could get my prescription. My ankle started hurting but it wasn’t bad. I was getting tired as I had been up so early. I went back to the Square to get my haircut.

I got a nice cut and then I took a cab home as I just missed the bus. I went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. I was getting sleepy so figured I would nap when I came home. My ankle was throbbing but not too bad. Until I laid down to nap. Then all fucking hell broke loose. I have been in pain since 1500 and haven’t been able to quiet it down. I took two strong pain pills and some Ativan to get to sleep and I am still awake. The pain is a 20 on a scale of 1-10.

I feel physically sick because I am so sleep deprived right now. I had to take a Zofran so I wouldn’t throw up. I am so tired but I am kind of wired because the pain is so bad. It’s got me thinking bad thoughts. I think if I didn’t have my grocery delivery tomorrow morning, I might do something. But I won’t. I want to but I just can’t. I am so sick of this shit. I can’t take my regular pain meds for another hour.

I plan on taking my night meds soon. I think that will be the final straw to knock me out for the night. I think I am just so overtired that I just can’t sleep. Doesn’t help that my fucking neighbors are working on the house and are hammering away constantly day and night. My mother turned up the heat so my room is a sauna again, even with the ceiling fan going. I might have to open the window but it’s really windy so I don’t want to. Temps are supposed to drop severely tonight. I don’t care, I rather be cold than hot. I was having a blast as I had to put on my long sleeved t-shirt and thermal socks because I got cold before the heat kicked on. I didn’t mind being cold. But I have to protect my feet because they will cramp on me if they get too cold, especially my nerve damaged one.

I have no idea if I am making sense or not. I feel like I am just rambling. I hope I can wake up in time for the delivery. I will set my alarm as they are coming between 0730 and 0930. I rather they come that early than me wait all day for them. I want cocoa pebbles soon as I put everything away. I have been dying for that cereal for two weeks. I hope my ankle is feeling better tomorrow because I want to make Shepard’s pie. I love it. And my mother does, too so she can have dinner with me. Ativan is hitting me pretty hard so I will stop here for now. Until domani.

A sleepy and painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A sleepy and painful day

I woke up around 0330 with my ankle in agony. This is the first time in a long while that pain woke me up from a sound sleep. I took my meds and couldn’t settle down. Then I got my second wind so decided to take some Ativan to get back to sleep. I didn’t fall back to sleep till around 0700 or so.

My mother was visiting my aunt and called me a few times while I was sleeping. This interrupted sleep really made me groggy. I finally got up around 1100 and made pancakes. They were good. I wanted to do the dishes but I felt tired so I went back to sleep. I slept on and off for the next couple of hours until my niece came home from school. I let her in and she went downstairs. It was around 1500 and I still didn’t get a call from my PCP’s office about my prescription. I called and they now have it ready for me.

The therapist I called yesterday called me back. He isn’t taking anyone new. I kind of figured as much. Seems every therapist I call isn’t taking new clients. He told me to go to Psychology Today’s website to find someone. I said thanks and hung up. I felt defeated. There is one more place I can call before I totally give up hope. I will call tomorrow.

I got a big headache when I went back to bed after I let my niece in. My head just felt so damn heavy I didn’t want to move. My ankle was acting up again so I took some more pain meds and some headache medicine. After more than an hour, I still have the headache and no energy. My mother thinks I sleep all the time. I have tried telling her that I don’t but she doesn’t believe me. I give up. Let her think what she wants. I made a cup of tea and did the dishes in the sink while the water was on to boil. I didn’t make coffee today because I didn’t feel like having it.

The pancakes have made me so full that I haven’t eaten anything else today. I am not hungry, yet. I still feel groggy and weighed down. I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep again. I’m going to try and take a shower later but I don’t know as my foot/ankle are really hurting. If not, I can always take it tomorrow morning. I have a few errands that need to done tomorrow so I hope I wake up before 10.

Looks like ibuprofen and tea helped my headache. I still feel kind of tired. I hope I don’t wake up in the wee hours of the morning again, though usually on pay day I do. If I do, I will order my groceries before the website goes down for a few hours. I would like an early morning time for delivery on Thursday. This way here, I can make my Shepard’s pie for dinner that night. I plan on cooking meats and stuff the next few days. I want to make my “dirty” gravy so I can have it with penne pasta. Gravy is just the Italian version of a tomato sauce. I don’t know why we call it gravy but we do. I also plan on making my Nantucket cranberry cake. I want to use up the cranberries that I have in the freezer. I love this cake. I plan on making it next week so I can bring some to my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. If there is gravy left over, I will also give her some. Usually my gravy disappears because my family loves it so much. I don’t plan on making a big batch as I only bought a pound of beef. I might add meatballs but that might over do it. I also bought steak so I will have that one night. I will be a cooking machine next week. Hope my ankle can keep up!