Month: March 2017

Saturday Blog 77

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Apparently, I wrote a blog early this morning. I vaguely remember writing it. I have been so out of it lately that it’s hard to remember things. I made my coffee and read my book for most of the day. I didn’t think a Kay Redfield Jamison book could annoy me but this one has. I hate it when authors go back and forth between date and years. That is my biggest pet peeve. She does it in this book and it really has me confused. I hope the whole book isn’t like this. It will drive me crazy.

I ordered Chinese for dinner. I had to order from a different place than last time because my mother didn’t like it. Then she complained about this place’s food. UGH. I can’t win with her. Eating the food has made me sleepy. I hope to catch a nap, if my ankle pain goes down a few notches. It crept up really bad around the time that I had to take my next dose of pain meds. I am hoping it will settle down soon. I really don’t want to break out the strong pain pill this early. I have been taking it nearly every day all week, at different times because the pain has been so damn bad. I am going to need a refill on it. If the doc asks me why, I will tell him the pain has been bad and I have been using it more because the regular pain meds just aren’t touching the severe pain I have been experiencing. I told him this the last time I saw him and I didn’t get a response.

I was able to finally shower today. I even brushed my teeth. I have been doing better with brushing but there are some days I forget or just don’t feel like it. I have to be better about it because I don’t want another cavity.

My chest feel heavy. And I don’t think it’s a physical problem. I just feel weighed down with stuff. I still haven’t done much promoting for my book. I haven’t found a therapist. My psychiatrist hasn’t responded to the emails I sent her. The voices are getting riled up because they can. I have been better with the trilafon but sometimes the voices like to break through, especially when I am anxious or nervous about something. Lately it has been around my pain because it causes my anxiety/PTSD to go up. Plus this has been an anniversary week, which I am glad is over with.

The hit I took from my mother mocking me yesterday is still there. One of these days, I am going to snap back at her. I imagined having a conversation with her about being transgender but all the kept going through my head was her saying she doesn’t believe me and that I am not a boy. That will just about kill me to hear it out loud. I don’t think I would be able to handle it, not without a therapist in place. I know I could call my psychiatrist but my psych still thinks I am a girl, too. She hasn’t out right said it but I can tell when I bring it up she isn’t totally comfortable with it. And she still calls me my birth name when she calls me on the phone. It’s hard to get away from. I keep saying I will legally change it but the way things are right now, I don’t think it will be wise. I would rather die than go through some discriminatory process or worse. Plus with my paranoia surrounding it, I am terrified of being on some database to be locked up some where one day. Just makes me really suicidal.

I never made it to the post office today. It was very cold and icy this morning. I didn’t want to risk walking there and twisting my ankle. That would not be good. I’ll go Monday as that is the day before the next storm hits. Maybe I will even venture out to Starbucks and get my espresso drink. Hard to believe I have been in the house all damn week. I know I am going to be sore as hell once I start walking again.

I have been thinking of taking some baclofen in the morning. Trouble is that within a few hours, I get sleepy and dizzy from it and need to lie down. I think I might take half a pill and see if I can adjust. Maybe it will help the pain because the spasms that I feel aren’t doing me much good and I can’t keep taking Ativan all the time. My psych would flip if she knew how much I had been taking most of the week. I haven’t been overdosing or anything but one day, I was taking it like every 6 hours. I only know this because I would take it with my pain meds, not the strong one, the regular ones. I just wanted to sleep that day and was taking anything that would do the job. Pain has been really bad and it’s not helping my mood at all.

a tired blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A tired blog

Every morning this week, I have woken up in some kind of pain. It could be my toes, foot, ankle. Mostly it has been my ankle. I had to get up and take my blood pressure meds. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I am so aggravated. Some days, I will need my strong pain pill to get through the day. But I haven’t left the house in almost a week. I haven’t showered. I want to today. I need to. But I don’t know if I can. I just want to lie down and sleep. I don’t want to do anything else.

I’m going to try and make coffee today. Maybe that will give me some motivation to do what I need to do. I am supposed to go to the post office to mail my former therapist her paperwork that she needs so that she can adjust my bill. I also sent her my new book as she hasn’t purchased it yet. I don’t think she knows how to, to be honest.

My settings on my word doc still are messed up. I tried googling them but all I got was what I am doing. How annoying. Then last night, my screen was making some kind of weird in and out colors. I hope my screen isn’t going like it did the last time. I don’t have money to fix or replace my computer. I know it’s old but it still does its job. I haven’t been on my laptop most of the week. I just have been using my phone or most things. One day, I was so “lazy”, I made a blog post from my phone because I didn’t want to log on to my laptop. I also have been staying off of Twitter as much as possible. If I tweet, I tweet and then I get off the app. There is so much shit going on between Trump and healthcare act, that it’s making me really sad. I honestly don’t know what the new healthcare act covers because there are a ton of shit it doesn’t. I don’t think the GOP thought of it at all. They just hated Obama so much they want to get rid of everything he did that was good for the US. Really sad.

I am really tired though I have a little energy. Maybe I will make some coffee if my mother leave the kitchen. I am not up for conversation. I want to make a bacon sandwich but it will be too much trouble. I really don’t have the energy level for that. I am going to order Chinese food today. I am going to order scallion pancakes because I forgot to order them last time. That is if my ankle will allow me to go down the stairs to get my order. That has been the biggest reason why I haven’t ordered food the past few days. I won’t be able to make it down the stairs. Being in chronic pain really sucks.

My friend’s birthday is coming up. I am thinking of taking him out to the Thai restaurant we always go to. It would be good to see him again. He is 80 years old. You wouldn’t tell as he looks to be about 60. He still gets around and is independent as one can be. I really love him as he is an intelligent fellow. He loves organ music. I have been thinking of writing his biography but I don’t know how to broach the subject. I have never written a biography book before. It would be interesting and a learning experience.

I have been thinking of getting my hair cut again. It’s not too long or anything as it’s been about two to three weeks since my last cut. But I really would like to keep on top of it. I like it when it’s buzzed. I might get it done next week. I hope this tiredness and lack of motivation lifts by then.

another day of pain and sleepiness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of pain and sleepiness

I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I woke up and felt terrible. I didn’t want to do anything so I sent an email. I never heard back from her. I just sent another email as the therapist that I called on Monday called me back a little while ago. He can’t see me as he doesn’t have time in his schedule. He said he would call around and get back to me. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out.

I am feeling really tired and want to sleep. I might take my meds early again tonight. I just don’t feel like staying up. I wanted to shower but never did. I was going to order food but my mother made fish and I ate that instead. It’s the only thing that I have eaten all day. My appetite has been low. I haven’t felt much like eating the past few days.

In the email that I sent my psych, I asked her when I will be able to see her next as I don’t have an appointment right now. I hope she writes me back soon.

no motivation today at all

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No motivation today at all

I woke up congested from allergies and my ankle was being a brat so I took my pain meds and a benedryl. When I woke up, I felt a little better. My mother just got home from shopping so I helped with some stuff. I put the freezer things away first and left the rest for my mother to put away. She is better at organizing the fridge than I am. I then went back up to my room to relax a bit.

I was playing on my phone when a call came in. There has been a lot of spoofing with Massachusetts numbers so I let it go to voicemail. About a minute later, I got a message. Checked and it was the therapist I called on Monday returning my call. He did have a few openings for new clients so he wants to talk to me. I called him back and left a message. The phone tag has begun. I hope it pans out. It would be great to talk with someone again. I just worry about the copay situation because I get paid once a month. I hope he is okay with that, if this pans out.

I tried to go back to sleep after I left a message and my ankle exploded. I became really hopeless. I debated on taking the strong pain pill and did. It helped ease the pain I was in but didn’t help my mood at all. The benedryl wore off so now I am back to being congested. I will take another pill before bed.

My mother noticed that I haven’t left the house in a couple of days. I don’t care. I am debating cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really am in the funk of not wanting to leave the house. I think once I take a shower, I will feel better. I haven’t taken on all week. I keep saying I will take one today but I never do. Tomorrow I have to because I have to see my psychiatrist. If I do see her, maybe I will reward myself with some Thai food. I haven’t had it in a long time.

Waking up in the middle of the night really messed things up for me. I never reheated my pancakes. I just had a bowl of cereal and my mother made spaghetti and meatballs for supper. That’s good because I wanted to order food. I haven’t made coffee in a few days. I just don’t feel like having it. I really feel like I could sleep right now. I am just so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. It has to be the depression making me feel this way. I hate when I have depressions like this. It just sucks and makes me feel completely hopeless about things. I emailed my psychiatrist about feeling this way. I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to ask her for her permission to end my life. I know it sounds stupid and I know that the answer will be no, but I really want to hear her tell me that. I value her opinion on these matters. I just have my voices and myself telling me to end things so it will be good to have her say things opposite to what I am thinking. If that makes sense.