Pain and suicide and pain and bad thoughts
I was reaching for my phone charger and moved my ankle. It immediately exploded in pain. I wanted to fucking die, right then and there. It was so intense. I got hot under my blankets and soon as I took my feet out, my pain decreased at least 60%. But my toes started throbbing uncontrollably. I had already maxed out on my pain meds. I can’t take anymore for at least a few hours. I am so fricken tired of dealing with this shit night after night.
I did some research and found the article I wanted for free on the internet. SCORE. I sent it to my psychiatrist and therapist. I hope they find it useful like I do. I will write a review of the article when I read it. It’s a complicated article as they did multiple studies on different things. I don’t know if I will understand it. I just know that I have the gist of what they are talking about and that is Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance. I need to read and find out if a medical condition, such as chronic pain, is excluded from this “diagnosis”. I will write to the main author if I can’t answer this question. I tried tweeting the question to one of the authors but I never got a response.
I got some software off of eBay. It was a good price so I snagged it before it became unavailable. I also logged onto my yahoo account. I had like 700 emails. I knocked it down to 600 or so before I got bored clearing it. I will work on it tomorrow. Most of the emails are from my blog. I just checked it to see if I had any comments that needed moderating. My comments have been few and far in between. I think it’s because my readership has gone down. I have noticed the few regulars haven’t been “liking” my posts lately. Oh well. Maybe they don’t have internet or are busy or something.
I keep having bad thoughts. Music in my head has gone worse. It’s so damn loud that sometimes I just can’t think. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have been listening to Eric Church most of the evening. I finally got the Toby Keith song out of my head but now it’s coming back in a soft hum. I might play my white noise machine so that my room isn’t quiet. Last night was really bad that I thought about taking 8 mg of trilafon. My psychiatrist would not have approved it. But I was really getting desperate to get the noise out of my head.
I keep thinking people will be better off without me in their lives. I can’t shake that feeling. I almost called my psych today because I wanted to go into the hospital but I stopped myself. I didn’t want to spend 14-18 hours in the ER waiting for a bed. I would go insane. And the only reason I am thinking about this is because I am in horrible pain. I took a shower after I wrote my previous blog and my Achilles flared up for no reason. I have one week before I see the specialist for my ankle. The 11th can’t some soon enough. I want the boney growth gone. I don’t care what they have to do to make it go away but I don’t want it anymore. It hurts too much. I can’t have BOTH fricken ankles hurting me. That is just torture. If they don’t do anything for it, I will kill myself. I am not going to be in pain all the damn time with both ankles hurting me. No fucking way. I will go to my suicide spot and be done with it. I just hope I am not “rescued”.