in a rotten hopeless mood

In a rotten and hopeless mood

I had a difficult night sleeping. Every time I moved my ankle, it hurt. If I moved my foot, it hurt. And it wasn’t a “normal” pain that I feel, it was excruciating so much so that I was moaning and punching my pillow. This happened several times as I tried to sleep. I finally went to bed around 4 am or so. I woke up about 4 hours later. I called my PT and told the secretary that I wasn’t coming in due to pain and no sleep. I took some pain meds and my morning BP meds. Then emailed my PT to let her know I wasn’t blowing her off. There was supposed to be heavy rain today but it never showed. It’s really humid, which I don’t like.

I went back to sleep until around 1300 or so. My pain was down so I chanced a shower. I also shaved until my trimmer ran out of juice. Then I had to manually shave with a razor. I was sweating after I dried off. Hate humidity. I had something to eat, last night’s leftovers. I then went back to my room to cool off as I had the AC on. I was tired from the shower so tried to nap. Soon as I laid down, my stupid ankle went berserk. I was in so much pain, I started crying. My mother called at that moment and I just broke down on the phone. I was in the middle of an email to my psych as I was feeling really hopeless and suicidal at this point. Like what is the point of going on if I am just going to be in pain every single day without adequate relief? I texted my therapist and he responded with that I must be feeling frustrated and lonely. Whatever! Stupid jerk. Monday he was a caring and understanding therapist and today he is a jerk. I am so done. I really wanted to put my plan back on the table. Thing is, I might be too fat to do the deed.

My check came in while I was still up in the middle of the night. I paid a few bills. Now I got to wait till Friday for the rest of the checks to clear. I can’t touch my account until then. If I have at least $60, I am going to try and go to the RMV Friday to update and renew my license. I just hope it isn’t too early to do so and then I have to go back closer to the expiration date.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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