got things done despite horrible pain

Got things done despite horrible pain

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning when my alarm went off. But my bladder said I had to so I did. My foot hated me when I stood up. It got worse as I walked to the stairs and was murder going down the stairs. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I was feeling nauseous and fought the gags. I really thought I was going to hurl. I made it back up to my room and took my meds. I wanted to go back to bed but needed to get my haircut and go to the RMV for name and gender change. I got dressed and left.

It was raining but warm, which meant I had to stand while I waited for the bus. My foot despised me. I made it to the square and I was still nauseous so I only ordered 4 shots of espresso and a bagel, hoping the bagel would settle my stomach. It did. While on the bus, I ordered my laptop. I had to pay $20 in tax, which I was not happy about but who is? After I finished my bagel, I went to the barber shop. To my surprise, there were already people waiting. Shit. I was able to get my barber and we got caught up and made chit chat. He did a good job, as always.

I decided to take the train to the RMV rather than take the bus because I didn’t want to be soaked by the time I got there. I was kind of irritable and tired. I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I also didn’t wait too long for to be called when I got to the RMV. The lady changed everything and I got a new picture and signature. The picture is awful as there were dark rings under my eyes that looked like I had blackeyes. I then went home.

My foot was really hurting but I was hungry so I ordered a turkey BLT as a celebratory meal. It was very good. My mother was baking and using every available counter and table space available to her. I just went up to my room after I ate in my sister’s apartment. I took some more pain meds and tried to sleep but the pain was too great. It got worse as time went on. It has now reached beyond excruciating. I took another pain med.

If it wasn’t raining, I think I would try to end my life. I am just so sick of being in pain. I am so depressed and hopeless that things are always going to be like this. I hate not being able to get ahead of the pain or rest. I am so fricken tired and tomorrow I need to be around family. I am glad I don’t have to leave the house. I can just go downstairs when everything is ready to eat.

For the past hour, it seems like every 15 minutes I am getting a text from the T saying there is a delay, either with a bus I take or the red line. I blocked it. I am not going anywhere the next few days so I really don’t care if there are delays. I just hope I remember to turn it back on on Monday. I should have grabbed my night meds and put them by the bed so I wouldn’t have to get up again. Idiot I am.

Now that I got the RMV out of the way, I just need to update one credit card, my cell phone, Zipcar, and passport. Zipcar sent me a reminder that my license is due to expire in a month. No shit. Soon as I get my new license in the mail, I will update that. I am glad my list is not so overwhelming as it was.

To my US readers, I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for your readership. Don’t eat too much turkey! Gobble, Gobble!

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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