Ceiling fan replaced, finally!

Ceiling fan is replaced, finally!

My brother in law finally replaced the ceiling fan today. Hoorah! Even though the one my mother had looked the same like mine, it was different. The light fixture on mine had like 3 settings whereas my mother’s only had two, off and on. I like this better. It has 4 lights but I only use 2 as they provide enough light for me to see. I mostly use my desk lamp as sometimes the ceiling fan light is too bright, like it is now. I will change lights when I take my meds in a couple of hours.

I was supposed to get one of my meds refilled last week and forgot so when I was filling my med box for the week, I had to order them. I made it so it would be ready in a couple of hours as I didn’t want to miss a dose. I hate missing meds because my brain forgets things. It’s my hormone pill so I can’t miss one as I don’t want my menses, though I found out in my last admission that I could miss up to 3 days. Fuck that. I probably will have to come off them anyway when I go for testosterone. I won’t find that out until Feb when I meet with the LGBT doc.

I see my psych tomorrow and will need refills on two meds as I don’t have anymore. She had told me that MGH will be having an LGBT clinic soon. Seeing as I don’t get MGH notifications anymore other than what is on twitter, I will ask her to tell me when they are up and running. It will be more convenient than where the LGBT doc is as that is in the heart of Boston. I think I am going to chance taking the later bus. I usually leave an two hours before my appt so I can write and drink espresso at Starbucks. I don’t feel like doing that. I know I might regret it. If I wake up early enough, maybe I will go. It all depends on how I feel.

I cancelled my therapy appt for tomorrow. I am going to talk to my psych about therapy and whether I truly need it. He is the first therapist that allowed me to cancel two weeks in a row without questions. Usually, they say come in to talk about it. Not him. He doesn’t even ask why I am cancelling. I really feel like he doesn’t care, even though he says he does. I never heard from the other two therapists that I emailed. I might call them and leave a message. Some time after the holidays or maybe during, I will somehow google therapists in my area and see who I can find. I wish there were resources for people with my history looking for new therapists. I am still angry that my former therapist left me high and dry without one and then terminated our relationship. The few therapists she wanted me to see were not taking on new clients. It’s so hard finding a good a therapist, and then finding one that fits with you. I thought it might work with the one I am seeing, I really did. But I am tired of feeling like it would be better for me to talk to the wall or my voices than him. Both give the same feedback, none, though talking with my voices is fun sometimes, except when I want to sleep and they want to chat. That drives me crazy.

I can’t believe my birthday is the end of the week. I am dreading it. I really want to spend at least one birthday with my father’s side. It just makes me sad knowing I will be spending it with my mother’s side, who I cannot stand, well, my cousins are okay but I can’t stand one of my mother’s sisters. I feel more loved by my father’s side because I grew up with them. Due to my father’s fight with my mother’s mother, I never knew her side until I was 13. I just knew one of her sisters because she made it a point to keep contact with her despite my grandmother telling her kids not to be in touch with my mother. Just makes me mad that the fight happened and then I was to embrace these people that were my family yet didn’t act like family. They were totally different than my father’s side in a couple of ways that I won’t mention. Now that only one of my father’s sister is surviving and in poor health, I want to spend more time with her. I might get a Zipcar so I can see her in the afternoon one day as a surprise visit. I love my aunt. She is my godmother. Her memory is kind of gone so she doesn’t know who I am most of the time and her hearing is going. It’s also hard for her to understand language as she has Parkinson’s disease. Her son and daughter in law take really good care of her, though it is hard watching her deteriorate. It is taking a toll on them that I cannot imagine. Just kills me that I can’t do anything for them but be there for them.

Last night as I saved my blog (I use a word doc before posting just in case of a website glitch, I don’t lose it), I decided to possibly work on the story that has been running in my head. I wanted to see what I had in the outline. I panicked when I didn’t see it on my laptop or 128 GB thumb drive. That meant it was on the 64 GB that I formatted. Thank goodness I backed it up before erasing the content. I would have lost the paper. I then put the thing on the One drive so I can have it where ever I go. I can access it through my phone. I am glad I back up my files every other month or so, for that reason. Least if I lose one, I have another copy somewhere else. So my message to all of you reading this that write: BACK UP YOUR FILES!!!

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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