chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Last night, my pain was high. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. While I was waiting to succumb to sleep, my emotions were dark. I was hopeless and suicidal. I knew there was a chance I would be the same in the morning, however unlikely. I was and it sucked. I was in an irritable mood when my med alarm went off. I didn’t want to wake up. I did a somewhat morning routine, taking my meds, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Then I logged on the laptop and got Office 2016. Fricken annoyed me because it didn’t install the way it “said” it would. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to install it and where to find the file I saved. Then it took another half hour to install. I just played on my phone.

When it was all said and done, I wanted to go to the Square for a haircut and espresso. I got to the square and check the barber shop to see if it was open and it wasn’t. I was sad. I’ll have to get a haircut later this week. It is going to be wicked cold the rest of the week.

I was at Starbucks and I just sat there, having my breakfast, drinking my espresso, and then writing in my journal. I wanted to go home but I missed the bus. Then my cousin called and he said he would take me to the grocery store. I said okay but I am in the Square. He said he would pick me up. I waited an hour for him. He looked at every woman on the streets, saying she is cute. Isn’t she cute. All the while, I am like, keep your fricken eyes on the road!! We get to the parking lot and he sees another woman pushing her carriage to her car. He pulls up near her. Unreal. We went our separate ways in the store. I got my things and we both finished at the same time. He took me home and I put things away.

I went up to my room and within 20 minutes of resting on my bed, I was flared to the point of crying. I was hopeless again. The pain got worse as I tried to get comfortable while the pain meds kicked in. Then I started to feel nervous, like my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attack. I seriously was wondering why the hell I was living in this nightmare of pain every single fucking day. A friend called me and we talked for a bit. He said he might be by later tonight to share a beer. I said okay. He went into a new grocery store in our area and their beer selection was superb. I asked him if they had a certain beer I was looking for the year called Xocovenza, or something like that. It is a Mexican hot chocolate stout made by Stone Brewing. I’ve been wanting to try it. The grocery store had it. WHOOHOO! I thought it was just 1 bottle as stouts are usually like that and go for anywhere from $10-$15 a pop. He said this was like $17. I offered to give him money and he said no, it was on him. I said okay.

I felt a little better by the time I got off the phone with my friend. The meds kicked in and I was more relaxed and my pain lower. My aunt and cousin came over and so I went downstairs to see them. We talked and my aunt complained about my mother’s coffee. I made her my coffee. It was better. I stayed chatting with them until they left. I retreating to my room when my friend called saying he was here. That was fast. We spent a good couple of hours talking about all sorts of things over stouts and burgers. He said that he saw my posts about my pain and he felt bad that he couldn’t make me better. I have known him a long time and he would give the shirt off his back if he could. He is a really good friend of mine. He has always thought of me as a male friend, even before I came out as transgender. I love him and we are close. I told him that the if I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I might end up ending my life. He doesn’t want me to but understands where I am coming from.

I took my night and pain meds late because I was talking with my friend. I hope that I can sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. I didn’t have too much beer. I drank like a quarter of a bottle and then gave the rest to my friend. It was good stuff. I really like it, but not hot. It was a 6 pack, which I was surprised. I put two bottles in the fridge and then gave the rest back to my friend. He liked it as well. I would never drink all of them as I can’t really drink on the meds I take. I will have them on New year’s eve.

any thoughts?

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