chronic pain and quick to anger

Chronic pain and quick to anger

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep sometime after 0200 because of pain. My reminder med alarm went off around 0815 and I wanted to throw the phone across the fucking room. I was so sleepy to finagle the phone to shut off the noise. I took my pills then went back to sleep for a few hours. I woke up around noon in pain. I felt hung over, like I had been drinking hard all night. My head and neck were hurting because I was somehow trying to meld with my headboard. My head was under the pillow and my head was on the headboard. It was an odd angle that made my neck hurt. I have no idea what happened to the pillow I was using. When I got up to put my slippers on, I found it on the floor. I really didn’t want to leave the house but I wanted to try the new cherry mocha at Starbucks. They would only have it until Wednesday.

I didn’t feel like going back to sleep. My sister was getting a new furnace put in and the guy had my number in case he needed access to her apartment. I got dressed and before I left for the bus stop, talked with the plumber to see if he needed anything. He didn’t and he said he would need another day to finish the work. He said he would call my brother in law if he needed anything. I said ok and left. I was kind of grumpy because I didn’t leave the house yesterday just in case they needed something, I would be around. If I had known my brother in law had given them instructions, I could have gone out to start my story. Oh well.

It was fricken cold as the wind was blowing. I had to put on my hood to block the wind. The bus came and I got to Starbucks. I had a sandwich and the cherry mocha in a reusable container. The drink was fricken expensive but it was for a limited time so I didn’t fuss about it. It was really good so worth it. It tasted like drinking a cherry chocolate bar. After I finished my sandwich, I wanted a cookie and got that. Then I started writing in my journal. I had taken out the notebook as well to start my story. I noticed it was only 80 pages. I don’t know if it was because of the pain and not sleeping, but I became really angry that I paid 2 bucks for less than 100 pages when I had bought a few months ago for $1.89 120 pages for the same kind of notebook! I was fuming! I know now it seemed trivial but for some reason, I just felt ripped off. I couldn’t write anymore so decided to go home. I went to CVS to see what they were charging and for how many pages. It was $3.19 for 100 pages. That is a rip off! I bought some pens that caught my eye when I bought the 80 count notebook. Bic has these pens called Atlantis that are pretty smooth to write with. I was hoping to possibly write when I got home but it didn’t happen. I was exhausted. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Just moving my arms felt so heavy.

I got out my laptop and went to the email for the number for Dell. I wanted to know what the hell parts were on my laptop so I knew what they were. I was told in the email to contact the customer service department. I talked to them. Then they said I needed technical sales. I was transferred to them. I explained again what I was looking for and was transferred back to customer service. I told them the story only for them to tell me I needed technical support. I said wait a fucking minute. I was told that when I first called and then have been transferred back and forth and now you need to transfer me again? He said he didn’t know anything about parts and had to transfer me. I said okay as my temper flared again. I got transferred, spoke the the girl for not even 10 seconds when the line was cut! WTF!!! I was fuming. I sent a message on twitter to Dell as sometimes you get better service through twitter than you do on the damn fucking phone. Haven’t heard from them but one asshole tweety buddy told me one word, MAC. FUCK YOU I wanted to respond!! I didn’t. I fucking hate when you have a PC problem they tell you to go to Apple and vice versa. UGH Not fucking helpful!! Though I do have a few Apple people who has had their hard drives crash on them so they are not 100% reliable either or have been stuck in the store or on the phone for hours. I still don’t know what the hell parts I have or if I can upgrade. In the meantime, I am just going with it. As long as my Microsoft Office Word works and I can upload my blog, that is all I will use this lemon for until I can get my other laptop fixed. It takes too much memory just to use Facebook so I go on my phone most of the time. Twitter isn’t so bad though if there is a cute kitten or pup pic, I will go on my phone to save it. I have been collecting cute pics for a while now to look at when I am in a grumpy mood and need something cute to cheer me up.

My kitchen tracking lights needed to be replaced so I ordered new bulbs. I got them today and they are the wrong size. My sister said she “told me” they were the wrong size. I am like how the fuck can you know by looking at a website that it is the wrong size??? Then she was looking at the bulb I took out from the socket and she was like see, it says blah blah blah. I am like see the box says blah blah blah. My anger rose again. Now I got to go to the fucking store and change them. I hate returning shit. I would have gone today but my sister was going out to eat so maybe she can take me tomorrow. I got such a headache and my ankle is being a fucking asshole. I better fucking sleep tonight and my head better not try to be one with the headboard again. I am too fucking tired to stay up all night again.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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