Month: February 2018

astronomical pain and blacking out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

If my pain was bad when I woke up at 11, it is astronomical now. I am seeing stars. Honestly think I blacked out on the way home as I have no clue how I got there until my mother called while on the bus. Must have been on auto pilot when I left the stinking clinic. I know my ankle pain went nuts shortly after I left his office and it’s fuzzy from there. Thank God I wasn’t driving. I honestly don’t think I have ever been in this much pain before.

The psychologist said that he doesn’t believe that I misuse, abuse, or sell my drugs. And he was going to put that in his notes. I felt good about that. He wanted me to go to some functional program but I honestly don’t know what the benefit would be. He talked about getting around the work issues with the ADA, American Disability Act. I really don’t want to go back to my job as it was just too stressful. I don’t know what else I would do. He mentioned some vocational program and I was like whatever. I just want to go to Starbucks and write. He said there is no longer a doc that will prescribe opioids and that usually they discuss with me what they want and then go to my PCP for them to prescribe it. The good news is that I will see this doc Friday. I don’t know how long it will take to finagle getting my PCP to agree to it is another matter. The psychologist did want to taper me off my meds but yet he said I wasn’t on a high dose of meds. So that part was weird. Why taper me if I am not on a high dose to begin with?? I was frustrated with the appointment as nothing got done.

I am still hurting pretty bad. I just took my night meds so I am hoping to get to sleep early tonight. I wanted to sleep early last night but that never happened. I was up all night and only had about 5 hours of broken sleep. I am tired though so maybe I will sleep. I don’t know anymore. It all depends on what my ankle wants to do. I really want my pain to be controlled better than what it is now, not taken off what I am on. There was talk again of hyperalgesia. I honestly don’t think that is happening. I think they like to think that happens because they can’t explain how pain really goes on.

it’s 2 am…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am…

It’s not quite 3 am yet but I love this song. It’s by Jason Aldean and called Why.

I am having a rough time. Pain is bonkers. I’ve lost track how many times the pain has moved from my ankle to my foot and back. Then my ankle bone hurts only for it to travel to my foot bones. Now my foot is on fire so I think the pain meds have done their job. I just don’t want to chance it flaring up again by laying down.

I researched the psychologist I will be seeing in 13 hours. He mostly has focused on head, face, and neck pain. Not my kind. Also promotes CBT. He suggests that for me and I will kill myself. I don’t fucking care. I hate this therapy and think it is bogus. Not everyone responds to it and I know I won’t because I think it’s bullshit. There are some aspects of it that are worthwhile but like anything else, it takes time to practice and use it well. I really don’t want to wait another 18 weeks or more to see if this is “for me” and still have fucking flare ups without pain control in any other way.

I tried writing in my journal but the pen I decided to use was being difficult. Sometimes it wouldn’t write and I had to go over letters to make them visible. It was annoying me rather than helping me. I don’t know what I did with my left arm. It feels weak, like I lifted something heavy, which I didn’t. I haven’t carried anything so no idea what I did but it’s annoying me. It doesn’t hurt so that is good.

My migraine has gone. I hope it stays away. I am really tired and know I should try and sleep but my foot and ankle pain is just so intense. I can’t even give it a number because it just hurts. It is also indescribable. I hate that kind of pain. It’s so hard to know how to treat it. Do I treat it with this med or that med? I just don’t know so I take both and hope it works. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t want to be foggy later on. I think these late nights are causing me to be a night owl. I know that if I am not asleep by midnight, chances are it is a guessing game when I will be asleep. After 0200, and I am really up for the night. Just sucks because I have to leave the house by 1245 to make it to my appointment on time, which means I will have to eat something at Starbucks. I think I will get the cherry mocha again with 3 shots of espresso. That was yummy. I will try and remember to bring my reusable cup I bought the other day. They only have this drink until Wednesday. It’s too bad because it tastes so good! I love mocha anyway. It’s my favorite drink beside having the espresso alone with soy milk.

I am going to try this thing called sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s supposed to be good for you yet I never feel refreshed afterwards so don’t get the appeal. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Sunday Blog 11-Feb-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday blog 11 Feb 18

I had my aunt’s wake today. It went okay. I saw a lot of my cousins that I have seen in quite some time. I am exhausted. I mostly stood the whole time I was there. Not good for my foot. I had to take a pain pill while I was there. Then there was a priest that said a little service. He seemed to go on forever. Then my cousin said a prayer. It was from St. Thomas of Assisi I think. Afterwards, my sisters, brother in law, and I went out to eat. We went to a Mexican restaurant. I had a burrito, that I wasn’t sure how to eat as it had cheese sauce on it. My sister said to eat it with a knife and fork. So I did. It was good. While trying to get in the car on the way home, my foot got stuck in the door. Took me a few tried to get it in the car. It was really hurting then.

I am resting now. I just realized I didn’t make my pill box for the week. Dammit! I’ll fix it when I am done with this blog. I was out most of the afternoon. I didn’t sleep well as I woke up around 3 with my back hurting. It was raining so my arthritic spine went off. Always does. I don’t care what the “scientists” say, when it rains, it hurts.

Word has a template for blogs. I was going to use it but it says that it gives out my information so decided against it. Someone has already tried hacking my blog and I had to change the password. I am glad WordPress has a two step security thing or I never would have known.

I got a migraine. Started out as a headache while I was at the restaurant but now lights and sounds are bothering me. This is the second migraine I’ve has in two days. Don’t know why. So much for wanting to read later. I am just going to go to bed early. Tomorrow I see the pain psychologist. I am really nervous about seeing him. I wonder how long it will be to see a pain doc and if they will prescribe me what I need to help relieve my pain without going through the rigmarole of injections first.

I am so aggravated with my mother. She honestly does NOT fucking get chronic pain, at all! I told her how my foot got stuck in the door of my sister’s car. She asked if I could feel it, and I said no. I had to explain to her that I lost the sense of where my foot is and how I have to consciously be aware of where my foot is or I run the risk of falling or tripping on it. Then she says, “I am walking pretty good”. WTF Like how am I supposed to walk?? Am I supposed to drag my foot? I don’t understand. Makes me so fucking angry.

Saturday blog 10 Feb 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I didn’t go to sleep till around 5 am. I was in pain all night. I was in severe pain when I woke up 5 hours later. I took some more meds as it was close to 12 hours since my last dose. I feel like shit. My mother made pork chops for dinner. I was glad as that meant I didn’t have to cook. I wanted bacon though so I heated it up. It was the pre-made kind.

I will be taking my night meds soon and going back to sleep. I am so tired. I have no energy to do anything. I might make a cup of orange spice tea. It is herbal and no caffeine. I finally remembered to buy it on my last grocery order. I started making another order the other night when I couldn’t sleep. Just my Powerade and ribs alone was $50. I go through like 20 bottles of Powerade a month. They are kind of expensive and not really on sale. Another grocery store has them for less but they don’t carry the flavor I like.

Tomorrow is the wake for my aunt. I plan on just wearing jeans and a dress shirt. I don’t have dress/casual pants that fit me. I hate being so heavy. I’ve been trying to watch what I eat but it is hard. I will be seeing family members I have not seen in a long time.

I sent my psychiatrist an email but I don’t think I made much sense. It was late and I don’t even remember what I wrote. She didn’t respond so I guess that is a good thing.

Pain is creeping up again. Hope it doesn’t keep me up another night. It will be the third night in a row. I am so tired of being in severe pain all the time. It really sucks.