At a complete loss
I had requested my medical records from the pain clinic to see what they said about me. Mostly I wanted to see if they got things right and then see what else the fellow wrote. Basically, they don’t want to treat me because of excuse after excuse in opioid therapy. They really didn’t offer much in ways of treatment, other than to continue with PT (don’t see that happening if my pain is not controlled!)
I feel defeated. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I will tell her I plan on seeing an assisted suicide doctor. I don’t see what choice I have. I do have my second appt with the pain clinic but at this point, why bother? They aren’t going to do anything to help me. It says as much in their notes. I am not idiot.
I got my medical insurance invoice. The premium is now over $200 I have to pay every month. Just lovely. I knew it would be as my medical (not including vision and dental) is $198. Unfortunately, I need this in order to pay for my prescriptions.
I know my family and friends and bloggers will miss me. I wish I could stay. I just can’t bear the pain anymore. I was up and down stairs all day because we had the plumbers here to fix the shower. I also had to tell my mother what they were saying because she is hard of hearing. Even though I took a nap, I feel like shit. My ankle and foot are so damn angry at me because I took a shower. I had to. I haven’t had one all week! This is getting ridiculous. I was used to shower every other day. Now it’s maybe twice a week. Yeah, my quality of life is so good. Maybe I should cash in my pension from the hospital so my family won’t have to worry about funeral expenses. I know how hard it was when my father passed. We had a whopping few hundred dollar inheritance after all was said and done. Think I bought groceries with mine. I live the life. HAHA.
I know my psychiatrist is going to put up a fight with me. I am not looking forward to it. I hate arguing with her. But she is for life. She has done her best to keep me alive all these years. Just wish other doctors were as dedicated. She has been my biggest supporter, even when I thought there was nothing left for me do, as I have many times before. This time feels different. I don’t know when. I think I shall start the process of getting my pension and once I have it, pay off all my debts then give the remainder to my sister to “hold” for me. I know what a pain it will be to access my accounts once I am gone. It was hell just to write a check when my father passed.