A day of reading

A day of reading

I wanted to finish Camino Island by John Grisham today and I did it. I had problems with my Kindle since last week as they did an update and they messed up my SD card, well, not really. The update made it so the Kindle didn’t recognize the SD card so my books were just not there. They fix it but when I tried to open the book yesterday for distraction due to pain, it said that I had to remove it and then download it again. I had no idea how to do that but it brought me to the store page. I already bought the damn book so I didn’t want to buy it again. I was so frustrated, I read a non-technological book. I read Trail of Tears for about three chapters. So today I was determined to read and finish Camino Island so I didn’t have to deal with the Kindle anymore! Least for a while.

I finished it and because I couldn’t put it down, I took my night meds late. It just kept me interested. John Grisham will do that. He hypes up the book in the last few chapters. I can’t wait to read is new book, the Reckoning. He says it is different than his other books. Well, hell, Camino Island was different too! No lawyers and their real cases that involve espionage and crap like the Firm. I really loved this book. But I have four other books I have started reading and would like to finish them by the end of the year. November is half way gone and I have finished just one book. I lowered my challenge to 22 books to read this year as last year I read 20 I think. I just tried to find my challenge from last year but couldn’t. It did say I read 14 books last year so I am tied. I want to read a few more. I don’t know if I will be able to read 22 but I will try. I didn’t think I was going to be alive so I held off on reading. I really wanted to give up. But my psychiatrist didn’t allow that to happen and got my pain meds changed so that I wouldn’t give up. I am not at a dose I like but my pain is better than it was. I wish it was lower than it is right now but fuck. Until the fucking stupid CDC guidelines are removed, no pain patient can be treated humanely. I get my pain meds increased, I am above the 90 milligrams morphine equivalent and that means paperwork for the doc, who doesn’t want to do that bullshit. In a way I don’t blame him but come on, fight back. It is the only way to help patients and prevent suicide. But that is just my opinion.

I did not stay on the regimen of fluid restriction today. I had two cups of coffee and I am still kind of going. I got a shit load of energy and my mind is like going in a million directions. I feel so much better than I have in the last three fricken weeks. Maybe my salt level is back up. But that will mean my Trileptal will be decreased so this doesn’t happen again. My psychiatrist who I emailed at like 2 am with my worries (thank you painsomnia for keeping me up till 330 am!) said that she and my pcp will discuss what to do. But I think I will be lowering my mood stabilizer that I have been on for 10+ years. I hope my mood doesn’t go like a roller coaster because that just sucks. I was in and out of hospitals every 6 months. I had to. My depression was awful and my hypomania crashed me so hard. I literally wanted to die so damn bad, like worst than any pain episode I ever had. I made attempts, nothing harmful but was I remember overdosing to get rid of the pain, the psychache was unbearable. If I have to deal with that AND the physical pain, I think it will kill me. I don’t think I can bear it. Psychache is awful. The worst pain imaginable. Not even morphine can touch it. Hell, if the pain meds I was taking at the time didn’t help lower it, I doubt what I am taking now will. It is on another level. I don’t ever want to feel that shit again. Just thinking about it makes me want to die so fucking bad. There is no other med for me to try for a mood stabilizer. I tried them all. Only this one worked for me. I HATE that it is messing me up physiologically that my meds have to be played with and I will probably have to have regular blood work to monitor my sodium levels. I hate getting stuck but it is what it is, I guess.

Only thing that sucks about today is that I didn’t eat any protein, just carbs. I couldn’t help it. I was in a fuck it mood and didn’t care how much I drank or what I ate. I have some burgers in the fridge I could eat. But I would have to go downstairs and today has not been a good stair day. Better than yesterday in that my legs don’t feel weak but the up and down movement hurts my foot/ankle. And the top of my foot right now is so damn sensitive that I know the slipper is going to be painful. I kind of just want to sleep but sort of know I won’t be able to unless I eat something. I ate carbs but it was small amounts. A table talk pie, then an hour later 5 cookies. Then I tried some soup that was disgusting and only had some bread with it. Had to throw the soup away. Then a small serving of pasta with one small meatball. That has been it. My food diary for today. I drank least a half a bottle of soda and a cup of tea. Probably 40 oz of fluid, 7 oz (210 mL) more than I should have. I didn’t pee buckets today.

I cannot remember if I took 600 mg of gaba when I got settled in bed. I hate when I can’t remember if I took meds or not. I really need to have like a PRN week med box or something. My throat has been sore off and on. I hope it is because of voice changes. Throat drops have been helping it. Also have been helping the nasal congestion, which could also be causing the throat irritation. My sister said she didn’t notice any change in my voice when we talked this morning, the first time in a while. She has just been so busy with stuff. I really missed our talks. I hardly talk to my middle sister and when I do it is always with her complaining about her job or her kids. That hurts me when she talks about her kids because I know they can be a pain in the ass and I know they are adults now but sorry, you raised them because you never cared for them. You expected things from them that they didn’t learn from you or anyone else and they should have.

The one thing that I really liked about Camino Island is that the author gave some tips about writing. I will try and use them if I ever go back to writing that story I want to write. Maybe when the pain is better and this fatigue is gone and my concentration is better. I have the time. I just need to go to Starbucks and try and write. Sounds easy but it is hard. I also think I need to face the wall of the store rather than the windows because it is so damn easy to people watch and as well as see the cars go by. I get distracted by watching the cars parallel park. It is funny how many times a person will go back and forth, pull out, back in and still not get it right. I see this every time and it is my distraction from writing! I write my blog in my room but it is when I can have the brain power after a long day and can form sentences without sounding like a 2 year old.

I wish I could have more days like I did today, with energy and brain concentration to finish a book because I had the time. I usually have the time but not the energy and brain concentration because of pain and a bad night of sleeping. I had 5.5 hours with 1200 mg of Neurontin. I have no idea how this day came about. I am grateful for it as it is rare. I probably should have made my cranberry cake but I think I will Tuesday. It will be in memory of my therapist friend that gave me the recipe and who died in Sept.

any thoughts?

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