Blog of the day 2 Jan 19

Pain is gonzo, like totally out of control. Since lowering my mood stabilizer, pain flares have been increasing and harder to control. They also last longer. Had enough of this shit. Fuck. Now question is who the fuck do I tell and beg them to kill me or treat me? Not looking for more pain meds (though wouldn’t mind an increase) but mood needs to be controlled before I have to go back to hosp. Not sleeping, feeling depressed then wired so I am up 20 hours. If I sleep during the day it is my crash. Nerve pain right now is nuts. Bones are killing me, all of them in my ankle and foot. I am scared this is will be it. See psych on Friday and tell her I want to try one anticonvulsant again. Not ideal but shit something needs to be tried. The mood stabilizer I am on was the last of the last. I am fucked if I have to play trial and error again. But pain feeds mood and mood feeds pain so…hoping psych can be my gatekeeper (she is better at it than my chickenshit pcp).

Saw therapist today. Found out my private insurance mh benefits suck so will be staying on Medicare as he is planning on not being a provider of the private insurance. I will be billed $10 then when he leaves them, probably whatever the 20% Medicare doesn’t pay. I am glad this sort of worked out. I just got to change insurance with my psych since it is a new plan. Fun new year shit to go through. Lease my prescription coverage is the same for now. I goofed on the T. I could have had it refilled before the new year but because my sleep cycle has been awful. I never checked it or made note of it. If I made a mental note, haha it went out to pasture. I am glad I got a planner because I am writing it on paper. Helps to see it more. I use my phone calendar a lot but it connects to Big Brother so I rather have paper. I tried to see how much my pain meds would cost but the pharmacy won’t know unless they run it through. So got to wait till next week.

I wanted to write this earlier but brain was mush and pain was just starting to get ugly. I am so tired and hope I sleep tonight. Supposed to snow tomorrow. Just a coating so not bad. My mother wanted me to do an errand for her but it can wait till Friday when I am out again. Be easier for me.

I have been sending my BFF in Canada vids of me being a goof. She loves it. Then her hubby asks why she is laughing. Man it is gonna be weird seeing her in person one day. She loves my accent. I honestly didn’t think I had one. But I played what I recorded today and oh my god. Too funny. I’m glad I can laugh at myself.

Today is transition day 92. Voice is changing. Face is not as smooth as it was so maybe hair is coming (fingers crossed). I shaved my moustache a couple weeks ago and it is just coming in. Don’t know why the sides are thicker than the middle. Weird. I also noticed my sweat is smelly. Got to remember to wear deodorant. I don’t use it much because I am in the house but lately with stupid heat system, I am either too hot or cold. I woke up a couple times so hot I thought I was on fire. Hate winter. Think I got to open the window. Maybe that will even things out. I need a cold room to sleep. Here is a pic of two kittens. One is ginger and the other is black. The ginger has its paws around the black kitten’s head, like it is hugging. The black kitten face is like I know now let me go. Perfect depiction of my BFF and i. I love that pic. One day when we see each other we will make it. Haha

any thoughts?

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