Happy New Year and all that jazz
I wish my readers a Happy New year. I hope this year is better than last year.
As I said in my last blog, I don’t do resolutions and shit. I don’t plan goals or anything. I just go with the flow. I see a lot of people reflecting on this “good” things that have happened to them last year. All I can think about is how I spent most of the year in severe pain, not being listened to by doctors, being a ping pong ball between doctors, just to get a change in pain meds and then planning my death because I had enough. July I was going to end it and that was it. Well, my date came and I didn’t go through with it because I was too afraid I would be found and saved. It was kind of doubtful, but possible. I don’t think I went in the hospital last year or if I did, I don’t remember it as I am not going back, ever again.
I am still feeling kind of crappy and I have therapy tomorrow. I did sleep, finally, but it was at like 5 am or so. My med alarm went off but I didn’t take my meds. I took my mood stabilizer. I kind of been taking them twice a day but if I don’t take the morning dose, I just take the morning dose at night so I have it. I can’t risk becoming hypomania though I thought last night I was going to as I just was so overtired I was hyper. I was wired and not tired. Then I decided to go lay down and try to sleep and my leg jerks causing tremendous pain. There went sleeping. I think I was up at least 38 hours. I slept till around 4. I had something to eat. I made pizza but I only ate half. I am not that hungry. I downed a 16 oz Pepsi. I also had a cup of tea so I am sure I will be peeing a lot. I wanted to get some fluids in me.
I shaved my head again. I am addicted to the bald feel. I can’t help it. Except tonight I used a new razor and got razor burn. My head hurts lol. I didn’t shave my sideburns though. Least I don’t think I did or at least one side. I wanted to see how the bald with sideburns looks. I am experimenting. LOL
I was talking to my sister about my insurance situation. I thought it was going to be a quick, yes you can get rid of Medicare and have them as a secondary. Nope doesn’t work like that. Fuck. I just have noticed a big change in attitude with the docs since being on medicare. Seems I am not getting care I should and then PT has these “requirements” in order to cover a visit because I am on this insurance. I hate being treated like this. I don’t think it is fair that I have to do this extra bullshit because I have chronic pain in my ankle. Then I flare and who takes care of me then? Last night was the same thing after my leg jerked. I have decided to do whatever to lower my pain levels because I get no help from a doctor about it when I tell them repeatedly how things are going. Just because I am fine when I see them then, doesn’t mean later that night I will be or the next day. I am so tired of flares. Maybe that is why the suicidality has come back. I don’t see any other reason. Each flare seems to last for days before I am okay and then I do something like make breakfast and I am in pain the rest of the day. Or I barely move my damn foot/ankle and boom. Pain goes up and I can’t control it. The docs have NOT listened when I tell them moving my ankle causes pain. They don’t know what to do. I can’t walk. I am almost getting to the point where I can’t stand. I feel bad for the people in the UK who has to wait for months, maybe a year, for a doctor appointment just to be told there is nothing they can do. I would be jumping off the nearest bridge. Because by the time they get a doc that gets it, treatment is too late, like it was for me.
I am really depressed. I think that would explain the low appetite, mood being messed up, sleep issues, etc. I just happened to be in it. It came without a warning. But then it always does. Then when I finally realize what the fuck is happening, I am stuck in it and I don’t know how long it is going to stick around. Seems each episode has it’s own length period. I am never clued in as to what that is.
I accessorized my laptop. It was too plain for me. My laptop that needs to be fixed has a bunch of stickers on the lid.
I don’t know when I am going to get it fixed. I am going to try and get it down this year somehow. I am going to try to have this laptop out of my room and at a Starbucks table so I can possible write. Or maybe just get a notebook and write. I don’t know what I will write about. It all depends if this mood/sleep thing eases out. I have been so damn tired and just sleep the day away. I got to get up tomorrow to make some calls to my insurance. I am not sure if I have to call to have the insurance as a secondary or have it as a primary like I want. All because I am disabled this headache is there. I didn’t want to be on Medicare. It is just a thing SSD puts you on but it doesn’t cover prescriptions so what is the point of it, I don’t know. You can see your providers and stuff but you need a secondary insurance to pay the visit completely or have a copay that is smaller than 20% of the visit. I really don’t see that many doctors like I used to. Just my PCP or his colleagues, my psych, and therapist. I see my neuro once a year, unless there is a problem that can’t be solved using email. LOL I also see my repro endo doc which I guess I should call her my TG doc now. So 5 docs. I don’t know when I see her if it will be at the new clinic or if it will be at the same office. My PCP will be at a new office. I will be asking him for a new scripts a week early for my pain meds because I don’t want to come a week later for them. I don’t think that is a big deal but we will see. Bet he says no because he is an asshole.
One thought on “Happy New Year and all that jazz”
its shitty your in so much pain. and insurance that’s crap. damn it anyway. I hope you get it sorted soon. xox