Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sunday Blog 8

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sunday Blog 8

I had a bad night of sleeping. My leg was hurting pretty bad because I wore dress socks to the wedding. Even after I took them off, it felt like it was still on because of the nerve pain. I then became anxious because that type of feeling always triggers me. I didn’t go to sleep till well after midnight. I woke up a few hours later to pee and then I was up for a little bit. I just got up now to use the bathroom and then kind of decide what to have for my breakfast/lunch. I really wanted to have a fried egg but didn’t feel like making it. So I opted for toast and making some hash brown tater tots. That was all I felt like eating, for right now.

I am still feeling lousy. My leg is going to take a couple of days to recover. Mentally, I am still anxious. When I woke up and was watching the football game, I had some strong urges to kill myself. I just didn’t want to live anymore. I just don’t see the point. I am so tired of being in pain all the time and worrying whether I will get CES yet again that it’s driving me crazy. I’m afraid to sneeze or cough for fear of taking out my back. I am scared of falling because my balance isn’t so great. But mostly it is because I am tired of being in pain all the time.

My experiment last night with switching up my night meds didn’t work. I took my night meds when I woke up this afternoon and now I am sleepy. I guess all the meds taken together make me hyper but when you separate them, it doesn’t have the same effect. Go figure.

Last night as I was trying to distract myself from the PTSD symptoms, I was trying to figure out why my laptop was so slow in downloads and stuff when it came to videos and GIFs. Even with the Ethernet connection I didn’t have speeds like I thought I would. I cleared the browsing history several times and still could not watch a GIF of the OSU game. I didn’t watch it last night because I was in a lot of pain. I got the tweets and the updates from my college football app. For some reason, ESPN didn’t want to load for me last night. I don’t know why I am having such a problem with internet connection. If it’s simple, like Twitter, it’s easy to load. But even Facebook has its problems, sometimes. I don’t know if it’s my laptop or the net connection. When I bring it to Dell for fixing my screen, I will have them take a look at it. Maybe it is a connectivity issue.

I really hope that my older laptop is useable. I just need a quick internet connection to post my blogs and word to work. I would type my blogs on my phone but sometimes my phone likes to change words to what it thinks. Like I had typed “limp” it changed it to “lump”. Luckily, I caught it.

I missed BPD Chat this evening because I was sleeping. I would still be sleeping if my sister hadn’t started yelling if anyone was home. It took me a few minutes to get oriented and then my bladder had to be relieved. I really didn’t want to go downstairs. I was nice and comfy in my warm bed. Temp has dropped to below 40 degrees now and some parts of town, there is snow. That wasn’t in the forecast. Neither was being below 40 degrees. Weathermen! Can’t trust any of them.

Quote of the Day 18 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, suicidality, suicide

The suicidal act is both a moving away and a moving toward. Psychache, psychological pain, is what the individual wishes to escape; peace is what the person seeks and moves toward. In suicide, the goals are merged as one: Escape from pain is relief–that is how peace is defined. The unbearable pain is transformed into peace; the suffering is taken away. –Edwin Shneidman

Wedding Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Wedding Saturday

I went to my neighbors wedding this afternoon. It was good though I really didn’t hear the ceremony too well. You really had to concentrate to listen. No mic was used as it was such a small gathering. The party that ensued went well. Music gave me a headache. It was really loud. Before they started to play the dance music, it was awful. It was music I never heard of before but I am sure had some meaning to the couple. I didn’t dance because by the time dinner was finished, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. The sock on my leg was cutting into me because of swelling and now, even though I have the sock off, I am still feeling the pressure. My leg swells if left down for more than a couple of hours. This is why it makes it hard watching baseball games from 1st to 9th innings.

I had a good time. It was a break in the routine but by the time five o’clock rolled around, I was ready to go home and call it a night. But the DJ kept playing songs and people kept dancing. It was that kind of party. Even after they played the last song of the night an hour later, the DJ kept playing music. It was funny.

If I wasn’t in so much pain, I would watch the OSU game. My Huskers won. I was worried as they were leading in the first half and usually have problems in the second. But they won the game 48-25.

I got the best news today. Jobes is now on Twitter. I don’t know if he is managing the account or one of his students, but his lab is on Twitter! I am so glad he finally joined. I sent him a welcome tweet.

I have been thinking about my therapist. It amazes me that she will sign up for other psych areas for her CEUs and such but won’t take a suicide seminar or even train for CAMS. CAMS is just four hours and I am sure they don’t have you do it in one session. But then the seminars during workshops are like eight hours. It’s intense but you get the gist of the material. Those are made for CEUs and training. I learned a lot from working with the workshops. But I can’t imagine it’s different than learning about stuff about PTSD or any other psych disorder. I just think it might help her out in treating me but she doesn’t want to go there with a ten inch pole. She was more receptive to the psychache scale than the SSF. I can bring the horse to water but I can’t make him drink. That is what I feel this therapy is all about, on both sides. We both take what we want from the other. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to start over. I just want her to be a therapist to me again rather than someone that talks all the time. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I have no idea what the outcome of the Jays/Royals game was. Last I heard they were tied. I am only rooting for the Jays because the Royals out voted X for the All Star Game. For the National League, I am rooting for the Mets because fuck Maddon and Theo. If they weren’t in charge, I would be rooting for the Cubbies. They deserve a WS win. It’s been more than 100 years since they won a championship game. But I just can’t root for a team with Maddon. I hate the fucker. He cheats somehow and is very sneaky. I have no proof of this but my gut tells me this so I believe it.

Quote of the Day 17 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychology, Quotes, suicidality, suicide, writing

The single most dangerous word in all of Suicidology is the four-letter word only. Edwin Shneidman The Suicidal Mind