I have proposed the view that suicide is prevented by changing our perception of the situation, and by redefining what is unbearable. Perceiving that there are other possible ways of seeing things, redefining the impossible, bearing the unbearable, swallowing the undigestible bolus of shame or guilt. Edwin Shneidman
Category: Bipolar Disorder
Don’t Make Me
Don’t Make Me
I heard this Blake Shelton song last night and nearly cried. I texted my therapist some of the lyrics but I don’t think it got through to her yesterday. She was so frazzled by her phone not functioning we really didn’t talk about the texts I sent her. Her phone is still caputs as AT&T is doing service in her area and it’s affecting her connection. So instead of talking tomorrow, I have to wait till next week.
I had a bad night sleeping seems I woke up every time the pain meds wore off. Then temp stayed pretty stabled but it’s kind of damp and rainy so I am hurting. I was going to take a shower if I got up before 0700 but I woke up around 3 and fell back to sleep around 4 so set my alarm to wake up at a little after 7. Good thing I did because I was knocked out. I sort of dozed a bit before getting up and then I had to rush. I wanted to catch the 0822 bus and I was cutting it close. After the shower, I really just wanted to go back to bed but had to get going. It wore me out some. I caught the bus to the square and had my Starbucks. I realized on the bus ride that I forgot my headphones. Just wonderful. I think if my brother in law hadn’t scared me, I probably would have remembered to grab them. I was hurrying and forgot. So now I have another pair of headphones. I put this new pair in my backpack in case I forget again. It was raining by the time we got to the Square so I was glad I didn’t wear my Bluetooth set that I wanted to.
I met with my pdoc. I didn’t want to cry but I did. I told her it was my fault that I caused this problem with my therapist and she said that was ridiculous. It made me feel a little better about the situation. But she still doesn’t know exactly why my therapist is pushing for a new therapist. Everything is happening so fast that I don’t even know anymore. Sure I got mad at my therapist and wrote somethings to her that said I had enough, but she heard this stuff all before, why all of a sudden the change? She said she still wants to work with me, so why is she pushing a new therapist? Why do I have to go through that hassle? It just doesn’t make any sense and until I can talk with her again, I am not going to know. Maybe I missed something. And in my depressed mind I can’t figure it out. I am just coming up with reasons why she wants me gone, which I don’t think is totally through after being together 14 years. Sure the phone is a pain in the ass but why is it a problem after three years? Something is going on behind the scene that I don’t know about. That much I am certain. But what it is, I am not sure. I will have to wait until Tuesday to find out.
I told my pdoc that the depression is the worst that I have felt in years. I don’t ever recall a depression where I feel so empty inside. I told her I haven’t been writing and then starting the waterworks when I brought up the writing story. I know I can write about the difficulty but I just can’t find the motivation to do it. I no longer have a writing partner to help me anymore. Not like we were in competition or anything. But she would keep me on track with writing and it was nice to have someone to talk to specifically for writing. Now my partner is moving on to other creative projects like arts and crafts and bag making. Maybe she is burnt out by writing after she got married. I don’t know. Her bags are cute and I am thinking of getting one for my sister or cousin. It would make a nice Christmas gift. My writing is on hold until I can sort out the therapy situation. My pdoc is worried and wants me to let her know when I do.
As I need to send my laptop back to Dell for repair, I took out the old laptop. It works but the battery is dead. I tried finding on the Dell website and they don’t have them anymore. Office Depot has one for like $50. As long as it works while plugged in I won’t get one, though it might be worthwhile. I am just glad I can use the laptop. I just can’t use internet explorer as a browser because it’s old and my stupid hard drive won’t download the updates. That was one of the reasons why I had to get the new laptop because the old one wouldn’t update windows stuff. It’s a bad hard drive, with some kind of compatibility issue. I found this out when I had to get encryption for my work, and that was just when my laptop was a year old! But it connects to the net via the Chrome browser and word works so I am good. Everything else I can use my phone for. It’s just blogging that I need my laptop.
Weird Therapy Day
Weird therapy day
I am not having a good day. I woke up in the early morning hours in pain and then woke up an hour after I fell asleep. I just can’t get this pain under control. My mother decided to call me when I was just waking up and I didn’t want to talk to her so let it go to voicemail. I waited a little bit before going downstairs as I wasn’t completely woken up. When I did see her, she berated me for not answering the phone, like it was some emergency. She wanted me to let the gas man in the house to fix the meters. No can do as I have my therapy appointment. She wanted to go shopping. Tough shit.
I tried to have therapy today but my therapist’s phone just wasn’t cooperating. So we had the session via text message as that seemed to be the only thing her phone could do. So half the session was via talk and the rest via text. Interesting. We didn’t get much accomplished as you can imagine, though my therapist is a fast typer, faster than me. She still wants me to try and find someone face to face. I gave her the number for the center I found in my area that might be able to help me. I am not calling. I can’t stand the thought of being turned down or told to be put on a waiting list for months.
I told my therapist I was depressed. I am not eating, I don’t care about anything, and I have no energy. I am just so tired. And trying to find a new therapist in the mix of this is just dragging me down. I see my pdoc tomorrow and she wants me to tell her what I am feeling. I don’t know why I should bother. It’s not like she is going to help. I am getting a headache just thinking about it. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, ever. I have to get up early tomorrow (which shouldn’t be a problem as I am up anyways) to get to this appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I will just be wasting her time, like I am wasting my therapist’s time. I don’t know how they can stand me.
I told my therapist about Jack and Hyde and unfortunately, the phone cut out so I have no idea what she was saying. It was a very stressful session. I think she is going to get a new phone, least I hope she does. I understand why she doesn’t want to get a new phone but this has got to be a reason for getting a new one. I had to get a new phone because my phone was just not working anymore. And if the phone just doesn’t work anymore, what the hell is the point of using the device??
I am in a lot of pain today. The weather warmed up by twenty degrees. I am aching all over. But because I haven’t eaten anything substantial, I can’t take my NSAID pill. I have to have a full meal, not a small bag of popcorn. I just don’t want to make anything. I doubt I could because the gas people are working on the meters so I don’t think I can use the stove. I am so depressed, I don’t care. I just took some pain meds and an Ativan to get back to sleep. If my mother needs help with the damn groceries, I am going to be in dreamland. I just hope I don’t wake up, though I probably will. I didn’t take more than what is prescribed to me. Though I do feel like it. I really can’t because I don’t want to lose the trust of my doctors. That means a lot to me. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to say to my pdoc tomorrow. I know she will want some more information about my therapist and I just hope I don’t break down and cry. That is my biggest fear.
Other than writing this blog, I don’t have anything else I need to do today. I still need to find a quote for tomorrow’s “Quote of the Day”. It’s getting harder to find because the book is almost finished. I might have to start looking into his other books. I am finding it fun to have this type of blog. Once I have exhausted Dr. Shneidman’s works, I suppose I could go to Kay Redfield Jamison. She has a lot of quotes.
Depressing Monday
Depressing Monday
I have been feeling pretty down all day. I woke up early, before 0630. I took some meds and then made breakfast. I went back to sleep because the meds made me sleepy. When I woke up a few hours later, I got some energy to go to Starbucks with the hope of working on the short story that I wrote a few weeks ago. No such luck. It was a story about how my therapist and pdoc are the roots of my tree. Now that my therapist and I are having problems and might separate, I no longer have an interest in writing about it. I have thought about writing about the difficulties of keeping the roots together and how they can irritate me, but like I said, I am finding it hard to concentrate on it. I just look at the blank page and nothing comes to mind. I think I need to print out the copy of the story so I can work on the beginning of it before I get to the difficulties part.
I sprayed my room with Renuzit before I left for Starbucks and I think I am allergic to the scent. I haven’t stopped sneezing since coming in my room. Oi. I have used the spray before so I don’t know why I am sneezing like a lunatic right now. It is cold so I don’t have the ceiling fan running. That’s probably why the scent is bothering me so much.
Last night, I was being triggered by my foot/ankle pain. I was having intrusive memories of my surgeries and being in the hospital recovering from them. It gave me such anxiety that I had to take two Ativan to calm down. Then Hyde and Jack (my mean alter) wanted me dead. I texted my therapist asking if there was an opening in her schedule to let me know. She texted me back saying she didn’t have an opening and I don’t think she will be calling to check in with me either. Hyde usually comes out when I am depressed and in pain. But Jack coming out is unusual. He is one that is attached to my therapist and my anger for her. I can’t explain it more than that. The anger piece goes deeper than my therapist. I don’t express my anger very well and I think Jack is the holder of it. He came out during a letter I wrote to my therapist earlier this year and it shocked me. I thought I only had Hyde to contend with. My pdoc wanted to call him Jekyll but I nor he liked it much. So we settled on Jack.
I usually don’t get triggered with PTSD when I am in pain, unless it is severe. I think I am more vulnerable this month because it is an anniversary month. And it was more than my foot/ankle that was hurting. My leg felt like it had a tourniquet on it and that is always a trigger for me. I tried distraction and ignoring the pain, but I was still very anxious and nervous. Then the memories started and I just wanted to die. Hyde and Jack came out and I knew I was in trouble. I really think I should be dead. I don’t want to work on anything in therapy, nor do I care if my therapist drops me at this point. I really don’t care about anything. I feel wicked empty, like I have no organs or anything inside of me. My reality testing proves this wrong when I breathe. It’s such an odd sensation. I haven’t felt empty in a very long time. I guess that is part of this depressive episode I am going through. I am also tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get. Lately I have been getting around 5 hours straight and then a few hours in the morning between 8 and 11. It’s rare for me to sleep later than 7. Even if I go to bed at 3 I am up around 0630.
Been listening to Luke Bryan all day. There is just something about his music that somewhat puts me in a better mood. Unfortunately, it’s not happening today. Nothing seems to break through this dark cloud that is following me. I wanted to get my AC out of the window tonight but I can’t even bring myself to text my brother in law to ask him. I just feel like I am asking too much or that I will be bothering him. I can’t stand this state that I am in. I know that he will take it out for me. I just have to move two things to give him access to the window but I can’t bring myself to get the energy to do so. The temp is going to drop tonight and it’s already cold in my room. I know it’s cold because in addition to my comforter on my bed, I have my fleece throw blanket on. And I am not hot. I am just so depressed, I can’t get motivated to do the things I need to do. I certainly can’t take the AC out by myself. I might drop it or it might fall out of the window. I am not good at that stuff plus I can’t lift anything heavy any way because of my back issues. It will get out this week. I just don’t know when.
midnightdemons7 
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