Category: blogging

Random Thoughts on a Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up kind of late this morning, which is unusual. I slept through the night for the first time in forever. If I didn’t have to pee, I probably would still be sleeping. I tried to go back to bed afterwards but I had a sneeze attack and that was it, I was up. I brushed my teeth and made coffee. I didn’t feel like eating so I just went back up to my cool room and drank my coffee while trying to figure out what I was going to do for the day.

So far, I started reading “The Cuckoo’s Calling”. I read the first chapter. It was meh. Nothing to interesting, so far. Then I got another damn sneeze attack. I had taken Benedryl last night because my allergies have been so bad. I guess I got to take some more as I am getting miserable, sneezing my head off.

Baseball game isn’t until four. I am not sure what I am going to do until then. I really would love to walk to the community pool and have a dip. Only problem is, I don’t think I can walk that far, even though it’s down the street from me. And I am sure it will be crowded and I hate crowds. They just make me uncomfortable.

I am running low on coffee and cream. I don’t think it’s going to last until my next pay period, which is going to suck if I can’t make coffee. I might have to ask my sister for some cash to cover me. I need my coffee! I am running low on my Starbucks funds too. Luckily, I don’t have to go out there until Monday. I am glad I bought my commuter rail tickets in June or I would be screwed. Monday night I will be going out with friends for dinner. I am looking forward to it.

Today is slightly cooler than it was yesterday but still fucking humid. House is so damn hot. I have been running the AC almost continuously all week. I am not looking forward to when the electric bill comes in. It’s an older AC so takes a lot of juice to run, even though it has an energy saver function on it. I never use it because once it reaches the cooling level it shuts off. Then when it turns back on again, it scares the daylights out of me. Not good for someone with PTSD.

Last night, I was talking with my cousin. He had regular coffee and it got him all wired. I never knew he always drank decaf coffee for this reason. I was talking to him late at night until he calmed down some. He was appreciative of me talking to him. It was a long time since we talked. I don’t think we talked much since his cat died some time ago. It was good talking to him.

I need to shower sometime today. I don’t know if I will need another shower after I take one as the humidity is so high. I hate the heat.

made it out for coffee and pizza

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Made it out for coffee and pizza

I woke up in time to catch the next bus to the square, though my uncle saw me at the bus stop and offered me a ride. That was so nice of him. It was really muggy today. There were hardly any seats at Starbucks when I got there. I had a double shot of espresso over ice and then added soy milk. It’s better than spending $4 for a soy latte. My friend told me about this and I have been drinking it when I don’t have my cold brewed coffee. I wanted to read some psych today but I just couldn’t get in the mood to read. I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair so I just decided to write in my journal until the next bus home came.

I got my prescription filled and ran my mother’s errand. She called me on the bus ride home. I wasn’t too hungry when I got home and then I did so I ordered a pizza. I didn’t feel like having it delivered so I just took a walk and picked it up. I was sweating bullets by the time I came back home with the hot pizza. I had two slices and then I was full. I plan on having more tonight for dinner. I can eat pizza the whole day. It’s one of my favorite foods.

I paged my psych to tell her how things are going. I am still waiting to hear back from her. I hope the talk goes well and doesn’t end up with me going to the psych ER. The voices have been fairly under control with taking 8 mg of trilafon. I have been keeping the 4 mg doses apart and it seems to be working well. Sometimes you just got to play a little to know what works. It’s always a trial and error when using psych medications. Thing is, remembering to take it. I took the dose before I left the house because going on the bus and train sometimes causes me to get agitated. It can be a little sedating but I had the coffee so it perked me up.

Baseball game is on tonight. They are playing the Skankees. They suck more than we do so I hope we win. They are playing in NY, which I am sure is more humid than Boston right now. I hope the second half of baseball goes smoothly for my guys. It’s been a rough start but we are still only two games back from 1st place.

I feel like making coffee even though I just had a cup. I try not to have more than one cup of coffee a day because I can get agitated and that is the last thing I need right now. I sometimes will have two cups but only if they are spaced out so not to give me the jitters. I don’t know why I crave a second cup of coffee lately. I am just afraid it will mess with my sleep if I do have it.

My psych got back to me. She is glad she heard from me. She is okay with the 8 mg but would like me to go back down if I can. I really don’t want to because things were pretty scary with just taking the 4 mg.

Reading Randomness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve had a long day and it’s been pretty exhausting, though I didn’t really do much. I had called my cousin to tell him I wouldn’t be visiting him because of my pain and he was not sympathetic at all. I knew he wouldn’t be. I was to say hi to him in the morning but he never called me so I went about my day. It was muggy so I pretty much just stayed in my room.

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I spent most of the afternoon reading. I am glad I am done with it because I have finished the series. Now I can move on to my other books. If I am up to it, I will start “The Cuckoo’s Calling”, which is another book by JK Rowling written under her Pen Name Robert Galbraith. If I like the series, I will read the other two books. It’s amazing what you learn from Twitter about authors.

My voices are quiet but the songs in my head are still going. They aren’t as loud as they have been. I forgot to take my dose earlier this afternoon. Yesterday, I took 12 mg of trilafon to quiet things down. Now it seems to be wearing off. I meant to call my psychiatrist but I haven’t done so. I will try tomorrow. I don’t feel like talking to anyone tonight.

The Sox are still off. They don’t play again till tomorrow night. I miss hearing about baseball. The sox are still trying to get a high school left handed pitcher. He went for a physical today, but there has been no deal yet. I wish they would sign him already.

My mood is pretty much the same: bleak and sometimes gloomy. I just can’t get out of this funk I am in and I don’t know how much the psychosis is playing a part. Most of the time I feel flat, like I don’t have any emotions at all. When I am not feeling that way, I feel sad and depressed. I don’t feel joy or any positive feelings. Nothing makes me “happy”.

I have been fighting sleep since I woke up. I just feel really tired. I have no energy to do anything. It took all my spoons just to take a shower this morning. But I know if I lie down, I will just wake up in ten minutes or my ankle will explode in pain. That seems to be happening a lot more frequently. I lie down and my ankle hurts big time. It doesn’t really bother me while I am in a seated position but soon as I lie down, forget about it. Pisses me off.

I had texted my therapist this morning to see if there were any openings to let me know. So far there hasn’t been and as the night goes on, I don’t think there are going to be any. The only thing I have planned for tomorrow is to go to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. She needs some stuff for the house. I might go to Starbucks in the morning and then go on my way home. I really should get cracking on the psychology 101 book that I bought. I am almost done with chapter 1. There are long chapters in this book. I can only read so much before my brain gets fried or I lose interest in what I am reading. I am glad I am not in school or I would have flunked by now.

feeling exhausted from psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I took a nap in the afternoon and I still am not quite awake. I really am not looking forward to tomorrow where I said I would be going to a BBQ. I didn’t realize that my mother’s sisters would be going as well. I am going to be bored out of my tree. I had thought of going into the hospital but am afraid my mother’s blood sugar would crash. She has been stable since being home from the hospital. I just worry the stress of me going to into the hospital might cause her to become unstable. I could be wrong but I don’t want to be right.

I talked with my therapist about going in the hospital as the voices are just getting worse and not better despite me taking the trilafon regularly. I am still up to 8 mg a day, which is a moderate dose. I told my therapist I would page my psychiatrist but still haven’t done it. I am kind of afraid that my psych will tell me I need to be in the hospital and then I will have no choice but to go. I really don’t want to go in, for the reasons I have mentioned. I am supposed to babysit next week and that will be difficult if I am in the hospital.

My therapist and I talked more about how the psychosis is affecting me. It is blunting my emotions so it is hard to feel anything. When I do feel something, it’s mostly depression. Last night I was feeling sad because I was thinking about my father. I was tempted to call my sister but it was late. I had briefly discussed the grief of my father with the NP I saw yesterday. She still says what I am going through is normal, what ever that means.

Since waking up at 0300 this morning, I have had the shits. I don’t know why. I haven’t eaten very much in the last couple of days. It’s taken a lot out of me. I think that was why I feel so tired today, despite drinking coffee. I just feel really exhausted. I don’t think I am going to go out with my cousin and aunts tomorrow. It’s going to be too stressful for me and that is the last thing I need right now.